If I’d happened to be someone else
weaning myself dry from my silent spell
may have taken months
waiting for words to
find me again

"It was just a touch"

Find me again
here
drowned in this skin
I used to know before you
chose to
burrow under

Fingers seeping into soil and rooting in
Once
a friend explained her process of
extracting similar roots
like foreign veins
we'd grown accustom to this

The same friend that
smokes herself to sleep in fear
those roots will find her again

By mere sense she learned the mold of mace and
how to wear her Woman in a public space
She demonstrated proper use as
finger wavered trigger--

If I’d happened to be someone else
reconciling air in my lungs
may have taken years

counting up hours into days
buried in a mangled garden of
thoughts
lingering

Nights spent spinning back clock hands--

I mistook unwelcome hands with the gentle brush of a petal

but luckily

orchids grow
and heal
on their own

Luckily I was not someone else--

Someone so used to gardening open wounds that
trauma festers like a patch of weeds
wild and
unforgiving and
when the soil has dried and
sun has silenced into night
the only remedy is to
uproot the vein

If I'd happened to be
someone else

--
c

Lone wolf,
In the storm.

Howling a broken melody,
Uncertain where to trek.
Uncertain of herself.

She plays strong,
She plays cool.
She plays wise.

Inside,
She knows.
She's broken.
Scarred.

Trying to reach,
That hand outstretched.
Trying to pull her into his arms.

He's trying to understand.
She's trying to explain.
Why it happens...
Why she's broken..

She can't explain,
Life just pushed her down.

Into the darkest hole,
It could find.

He's trying to save her,
She's trying to save him.
Not herself.

She doesn't think about herself,
Maybe that's the issue.
The burden she has.

The anxiety,
The mistrust.

It's all because,
Those she thought.
Could be trusted.

...couldn't...

Suspicions and mistrust
run high

so we hold ourselves tight
dread locked and buy
deadlocks for the doors
and deadlocks for the deadlocks
in case anyone tries to steal those too

then circle the whole thing with a moat
and from inside we burn the bridges.

We watch our backs
our fronts, our wallets
our mothers, but
oh mother, especially
our wallets
because that is how we speak
now.

We speak
not with words but with money
and self expression is a valuable thing
and it’s a crime to keep quiet.

At two in the morning
the police come to knock on your door
to chide you and remind you
that a number value is
very relatable.

You want to be related to,
don’t you?

They go on to tell you just how valuable
it is and was (before inflation)
because
we’ve been tracking it
with google statistics.

You’ll find all the details
in the police report.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being an idiot
I'm sorry for being rebellious
I'm sorry that I'm not who you have always thought I would be.

I'm sorry that was you see in me,
Is not what's true.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure
I'm sorry that I'm lazy
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment.
And don't say I'm not,
You're not allowed to.
Not if you think these things in your head.
Even if it only happened once.
It counts.

You say these things in your head,
And I'm sorry that I have to tell you that they transfer into your words.
Your tone.
Your eyes.
You don't have to say it for it to be true.
You don't have to say anything ever.

So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so rebellious and terrible.
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry.
But have you noticed?

The more I say I'm sorry
The less true it is
And the less it means to you.

We've both taken too much time to say sorry.
BOTH of us.

Don't blame it all on me.
And I won't blame it all on you.
We are both at fault.

But it doesn't matter.
Because even if you DO read this,
You won't say anything.
We're both really good at going behind each other's backs.

I'm sorry I'll never be who you want.
But that's fine.
Fine to me. Your son.
Because I was never gonna be who you wanted anyway.

People are scary, that’s what I know,
They are like animals without leashes
With sharp teeth and lots of diseases
Like Envy and anger, greed and mistrust,
They stab you in the back and leave you to rust.

Go talk to them! They seem nice!
Yeah, sure, as if I believe that foolish piece of advice.
I know how humans are, I know what they can do,
Cause at the end of the day, I am still a stupid human too
And what can I do, when I have the diseases that you do.

I try to change something, but all still the same.
My heart freezes or it feels like its hopping away.
I’ll carve myself to pieces, It will be quite easy to chew,
Not too complicated, bit dull, but that will have to do.
Cause we are all just humans trying to make do.

as the flower bloomed
brighter days were promised
in love letters and hopeful kisses
everything…

everything fell in to place
because finally
we made and experienced
something so beautiful
so pure
so lovely

as it grew — matured
we thought of futures
our jaded happy minds
longed to embrace

but as the flower wilted
we turn back to the time it bloomed
forgetting to take out the ****
neglecting its need of water
asking what ifs
losing trust

we failed to realise

that its destroy

did not start when it bloomed

it started when we first planted it

and then we realised

it was planted on toxic soil

we began to realise,

it was never beautiful in the first place