It will be okay
You'll have another one some day
It seems that's all they have to say
Like you can be replaced

But, I will never forget the day
I learned that you were on your way
Tears of joy streamed down my face
Everything fell into place

I dreamed of all you'd grow to be
beautiful and sweet
I couldn't wait to kiss your adorable face
And tickle your little feet

Your daddy was so proud
And just as happy when he found out
He was so excited to be your father
We'll always love you without a doubt

We are so sad to be without you
But In our hearts you'll always stay
You will never be forgotten
And we will meet again one day.

I Promise♡

The heartbeats dead,
It's long and gone
and yet I run my
fingers over my flattened stomach.

There used to be a beat
that I didn't feel before
but I feel lost without it now.

I lost you and I lost it
and I just want to stop
losing people.

I wonder if it would
have been a boy or a girl.

I can imagine a little girl
in my arms, with dark brown
hair and chocolate brown eyes.

Hopefully she would've gotten
your hair and smile.

Or a boy, squirming in my
arms and giggling with glee.

I know it's for the best that
I lost it.

I mean imagine us being parents.
It would've been hell, you couldn't
even handle a relationship,
how would you have handled a baby?
A family?

So it was good that I lost it
and just maybe it was good
that I lost you.

All you have ever done was hurt me.

Or maybe it wasn't, because
without you I feel ruined.

I still haven't told you,
for the sheer fact of what do
I say?

We haven't talked in awhile
and if it was brought up now
you may just think I'm saying it
to get you close to me.

When in fact, you sicken me,
with you perfect laugh and
perfect smile.

With your personality,
it would've been a heart breaker.

You deserve to know,
but if I tell you it's real.
All of this will be real.

All of it is real, my life with
you will be gone and I may have
lost the only child we may ever know.

Our child is gone, because
I wasn't strong enough to
carry it.

Just like i wasn't strong enough
to lose you.

I run my hand over my flattened
stomach. Again I feel nothing
no heart beat.

I don't want to tell you because
if you looked at me with pity,
I think I would die.

I don't need your pity.
All you ever did was lie
and it's because of you that
we lost it, if you had been
more careful, there would've
never been an it in the first place.

I brought this on myself
loving you was a mistake,
just like believing you loved me
was a mistake too.

You were never mine in the
first place, just like it was never
mine.

I place my hand over my flattened
stomach waiting for a beat that will
never come.

"It's dead," I whisper not looking at you.
"There's nothing there." I look at my
feet and revel in the silence.

I didn't know what it was and yet it
was apart of us, of you and me and
if you don't care fine. At least I told
at least I tried.

The heartbeats dead, it's long and gone
and yet I run my fingers over my
flattened stomach, hoping you'll
envelope me in a hug and help me
forget for just a second.

Have you ever
been told to do one simple thing
but that one simple thing
cannot be done by you?

Have you ever
felt so useless and helpless
because you are unable
to do the one thing you are supposed to do?

Have you ever
been told you will never hear
the pitterpatter of a toddler's feet
running across your floor again?

Have you ever
wanted the one thing you will never have
so badly it keeps you
awake at night?

Me too.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

When I was 19
I felt a horrible pain in my stomach

it was the end of the summer
we were in bliss
and love surrounded us

Then winter swallowed us whole

the blood was just as bright as the sun
crimson and hot
dripping between my thighs

the doctor said it was unexpected

I didn't even know
but
I mourned the loss

I didn't even feel anything

How could I not sense this
budding
swell
of life

that was taken too soon

I'm liable to forget
That we all have phantoms
Hollow spaces
Dug and never refilled
And it was only last October
That I began wondering
Whether you miss your baby brother
Who never breathed
Your parents named him John
And I began wondering
If
Like me
You sometimes fell
Into the caverns and abysses that gaped
From the expectant space
In every family portrait
And whether you occasionally lost yourself
In the pregnant air inside your house
That anticipated an un-breathed child
An unused bedroom
And grew thick and stale
In it's emptiness.
I'm liable to forget
That we all have dropped stitches
And voids
And holes in our favourites scarves
Our brothers slipped down the plughole
But I mostly forgot about yours
Because mine was blood
And yours was always
As fickle as water.

This is not a poem. This is a series of events that has happened in the past months.

Starting with last Summer:
I ****** over 20 people in just 3 months. I was ******* anybody who gave me even a second glance. It was usually random guys on the internet, and one day one of those guys held me down in my own bed and choked me. But that didn't scare me off from doing it again. Every day I had a new person in my bed, and it felt so normal to me considering I have already slept with over 60 guys and I'm only 17. But towards august I started to want a relationship. I found a guy I liked named Brandon and I tried everything to make him like me, but soon as we had ***, he never talked to me again.
At the end of September I was finally getting a little control over myself when I met a guy named Erik. He was 18 and graduated, more accomplished than half the guys I have been with. We talked for a couple weeks and on October 3rd he asked me to be his girlfriend. I laughed so hard and was even a little angry. Why the **** would he want to date me? He knew about my tendency to self harm and he knew I was unstable. He said it was cute when I laughed, and when I finally understood that he was serious, I said yes. That night after he left, I cried for hours. I couldn't help it. All I could think was I did not deserve a nice boy like him. As the days went by, things were great. I wasn't cutting and I had somewhat stable moods. But then bad things started happening again.

In the middle of October, Brandon died in a car crash. The last time I saw him was the day he ****** me. It was raining when he drove me home and I told him to slow down, but he looked at me and said he is the safest driver I could ever meet. But I guess he was wrong because now he is dead and his car is in pieces.

When Brandon died, I felt so ******* guilty. I found out about his death like literally 5 minutes after I finished having *** with Erik. I was starting to get bad in my mind again but I didn't tell anyone.

About a week later, my ******* cat died.

Erik and I had started to argue a lot more by then and on my birthday, October 21, he gave me mono. What a ******* way to celebrate my birthday right. I was throwing up for weeks and unable to eat. This went on until early November when we got some even more ****** up news.
I was pregnant.
They said I would have been 3 or 4 months and based on the dates, the baby probably wasn't Erik's. We fought every single day. He got kicked out of the Navy and suddenly it was all my fault. He said I was selfish for keeping it. I was so excited to have the baby and be a mother, to grow the **** up and move on with my life. The second week of this month I announced that I was pregnant. And yet again, more bad things happened.
The day after I told people, I started bleeding really ******* bad. It hurt more than anything I have ever experienced. I went to the ER and they couldn't give me any direct answers, so I waited 3 days until I went to my OB/GYN. Erik and I sat in the doctors office waiting to be treated, when soon as the doctor walked in he told me I had a miscarriage. I held it together and fought back tears until we started to leave the building. I was crying so ******* hard I couldn't breath. I feel like a part of me has been taken away and I can never get that back. I feel incredibly betrayed by my own body. My heart shattered as Erik had no emotions towards the situation. All he would say is "I'm here for you." or "You can get through this." After the miscarriage, he got put back into the Navy. By the end of the day I started to realize, I am the only one who can feel the pain of this loss, and I am going to be in this constant battle with nobody but myself.
People started to think I lied about the pregnancy because I lost the baby a day after I announced it.

I was a ******* mess for all of last week. I didn't go to school or even get out of bed. I only went to school last Friday, finally starting to feel a bit better, excited to see my best and only friend. But as you probably guessed, that didn't go well as usual.

My best friend got kicked out of school and sent to the alternative one in another town. She was all I had, she was my support system. I was upset about her leaving me and it hurt pretty bad. But I made it through the day and didn't have a complete break down.

The next day, 12/13/14 , was Erik's birthday. We went to Minnesota for shopping and it was actually an overall ok day. When we got back home I checked my Facebook and my entire body froze.

I had known a guy named Ben for about a year, he was the sweetest guy I have ever met. Last winter we were both lonely and desperate to fill some type of void within ourselves. So I guess we thought if we ****** all the time then we might start to feel a little less numb. As the seasons changed and summer approached, we realized that having *** in a cemetery parking lot was far more draining that fulfilling. Ben was the kind of guy who would do anything for anyone. He has been there for me whenever I needed him, no matter the time of day. I just really wish we had stayed friends...

Because the first thing on my Facebook news feed was the announcement of his death. Ben, the guy with a heart of gold, committed suicide. I have cried every night this week. He had told me he was suicidal a few months back, I tried to help but he shut me out and we never saw each other again. I didn't go to the funeral and I regret it more than anything. I should have said good bye. I should have never stopped talking to him.

So far this week I have held it together pretty well. Until today at least. While sitting in class I got a message from my best friend. She told me she wants to die. In august she had tried to **** herself and nearly succeeded. That message just ripped me to shreds.




Everyone is giving up, and there isn't a **** thing I can do to save them.