He didn't grow angel wings and go to heaven. He put on an astronaut helmet and found peace in the stars. A tiny soul floating through the galaxies, just waiting for mommy to join him. His dreams were to big for this planet. Curiosity, love, adventure, and fearlessness. He was soaked in those traits as he grew in my womb. The unknown was calling and I don't blame him for answering. He was concieved by two souls who desperatly wanted more than life can offer. We created something too beautiful for human form. All I can do is hope that the night sky is full of kindness. It brings peace to know he left this earth knowing nothing of pain. An artist like his mother, I know my son is painting constelations in the sky and sprinkling stardust over my head. One day I'll have the guts to put on a helmet of my own, and he can show me the universe through his eyes, resting in my arms for eternity.

Just in nine MONTHS time,
Thou will be brought to life -
Prithee mine heart sublime,
Into the seas so rife.

Right in front of me,
For a couple of weeks,
Below the giving tree -
Next to Heaven's creeks.

I'll hold thou in my hands,
Nevermore than truth -
My unmade plans,
Written in sand.

Come slowly, Heaven!
My lips are for thee,
When the months are seven -
My delicate bee.

Reach late my flower,
Hold tight to my thumb -
From your unborn tower,
The Chamber that hums.

It will be okay
You'll have another one some day
It seems that's all they have to say
Like you can be replaced

But, I will never forget the day
I learned that you were on your way
Tears of joy streamed down my face
Everything fell into place

I dreamed of all you'd grow to be
beautiful and sweet
I couldn't wait to kiss your adorable face
And tickle your little feet

Your daddy was so proud
And just as happy when he found out
He was so excited to be your father
We'll always love you without a doubt

We are so sad to be without you
But In our hearts you'll always stay
You will never be forgotten
And we will meet again one day.

I Promise♡

The heartbeats dead,
It's long and gone
and yet I run my
fingers over my flattened stomach.

There used to be a beat
that I didn't feel before
but I feel lost without it now.

I lost you and I lost it
and I just want to stop
losing people.

I wonder if it would
have been a boy or a girl.

I can imagine a little girl
in my arms, with dark brown
hair and chocolate brown eyes.

Hopefully she would've gotten
your hair and smile.

Or a boy, squirming in my
arms and giggling with glee.

I know it's for the best that
I lost it.

I mean imagine us being parents.
It would've been hell, you couldn't
even handle a relationship,
how would you have handled a baby?
A family?

So it was good that I lost it
and just maybe it was good
that I lost you.

All you have ever done was hurt me.

Or maybe it wasn't, because
without you I feel ruined.

I still haven't told you,
for the sheer fact of what do
I say?

We haven't talked in awhile
and if it was brought up now
you may just think I'm saying it
to get you close to me.

When in fact, you sicken me,
with you perfect laugh and
perfect smile.

With your personality,
it would've been a heart breaker.

You deserve to know,
but if I tell you it's real.
All of this will be real.

All of it is real, my life with
you will be gone and I may have
lost the only child we may ever know.

Our child is gone, because
I wasn't strong enough to
carry it.

Just like i wasn't strong enough
to lose you.

I run my hand over my flattened
stomach. Again I feel nothing
no heart beat.

I don't want to tell you because
if you looked at me with pity,
I think I would die.

I don't need your pity.
All you ever did was lie
and it's because of you that
we lost it, if you had been
more careful, there would've
never been an it in the first place.

I brought this on myself
loving you was a mistake,
just like believing you loved me
was a mistake too.

You were never mine in the
first place, just like it was never
mine.

I place my hand over my flattened
stomach waiting for a beat that will
never come.

"It's dead," I whisper not looking at you.
"There's nothing there." I look at my
feet and revel in the silence.

I didn't know what it was and yet it
was apart of us, of you and me and
if you don't care fine. At least I told
at least I tried.

The heartbeats dead, it's long and gone
and yet I run my fingers over my
flattened stomach, hoping you'll
envelope me in a hug and help me
forget for just a second.

Have you ever
been told to do one simple thing
but that one simple thing
cannot be done by you?

Have you ever
felt so useless and helpless
because you are unable
to do the one thing you are supposed to do?

Have you ever
been told you will never hear
the pitterpatter of a toddler's feet
running across your floor again?

Have you ever
wanted the one thing you will never have
so badly it keeps you
awake at night?

Me too.

You were just a line
A line so faint I couldn't believe it
But then you became two lines
Three lines
Four lines.

Scattered out on my bathroom floor.
Its amazing, what lines can do
To a twenty year old girl.

I couldn't even say the words out loud.
But its been 9 months since those lines
And you're not here.
And all the thoughts I wouldn't let myself think
They're all too real.

Perhaps your name was Audrey
And you had your daddy's curls
Maybe you would've had your mommy's nose

Perhaps your name was Elijah
And you had your mommy's eyes
Maybe you would've had your daddy's smile

Or maybe I would've never known you
And you'd never know my name
I'd dream about you every night
As you lay far away.

I wasn't ready
For those little lines
Nor was your daddy
He cried.

I remember how I shook
The night you went away
The crying and the aching
I wanted you to stay.

I'll never hold your hand
You'll never ask to play
And I will never know
What it is like to hear your voice

But I am healing
I think less of your loss
Than I do my inability to care
You deserved better than I had.

When I was 19
I felt a horrible pain in my stomach

it was the end of the summer
we were in bliss
and love surrounded us

Then winter swallowed us whole

the blood was just as bright as the sun
crimson and hot
dripping between my thighs

the doctor said it was unexpected

I didn't even know
but
I mourned the loss

I didn't even feel anything

How could I not sense this
budding
swell
of life

that was taken too soon