"A slaughterhouse,"

I think of my own home, the way imagery of the blood from my mistakes slips down the walls, all vivid in my head as I visualize the old house.

"An outlet mall"

The mall that was shut down about 2 years ago now, one where my grandma worked, I'd visit and we'd shop together in Old Navy where she worked and we'd talk about what used to fill the old stores.

"Slot machines,"

The casino off Exit 33, a familiar name in my life, having been once as a kid even if the casino haunts my memories as everyone somehow connected to it.

"Fear of God"

The religious trauma, the slow drag of sin taking over the little catholic girl I once was, as the smoke exited my lips after an attempt to revisit the church after 4 years.

"Windows down,"

The flashbacks to the car rides with mom or dad where we'd scream the song lyrics and laugh, the way they both sped even with me in the car, not a single care other than to be picked as my favorite.

"Heater on"

I always hated heaters, hated the warmth, but the smell of the vents turning on after the long summer is soothing to my brain.

"Big bolts of lightning hanging low"

I watch the storms, until they finish, all lights off in my room with the blinds all the way up as I ignore everything around me and focus on the rain hitting the glass, the booms of thunder, and the flashes of light.

"Over the coast, everyone's convinced"

The East Coast is too familiar, I've been here my whole life, and I don't think I could ever comprehend not being here at some point cause I always planned to stay.

"It's a government drone or an alien spaceship"

I couldn't know, I didn't understand, how everything could somehow collapse in 4 years.

"Either way, we're not alone"

I found someone, a boy, someone I love and could never leave, the future bright in my eyes as I don't wish to relive my life for the first time.

"I'll find a new place to be from"

His family was amazing, caring, and accepted me so fast, I could never feel whole anywhere else even with my own parents.

"A haunted house with a picket fence"

My old home.

"To float around and ghost my friends"

I'd always regret.

"No, I'm not afraid to disappear"

I was never scared of death but the idea of dying scared me.

The billboard said, "The end is near"

As I pass by the familiar roads.

"I turned around, there was nothing there"

The memories were fading, whether good or bad, I was starting to forget.

"Yeah, I guess the end is here"

I'll silently stare at the old house, the old mall, my old friends, my parents, my boyfriend and his family, and even myself. And every time I look, I know, I'll remember the end.

****** folds of paper,
Bind with a sewing needle,
And of course, it needed a cover page-
A drawing in crayon,
Because the little child in me found joy in drawing with crayons.
Most of the pages were little glimpses of life.
As the pages passed, drawings appeared-
Drawings of what I thought I looked like,
-A strange way to capture self-hate,
Some pages carried words that would-
Make you feel like they were pressing down on your chest,
And you couldn’t really breathe.
-Suffocating
If I read them out loud, I would burst.
Some pages had tissues speckled with blood-
Like little red polka dots.
They were words I couldn’t express on paper.
I put them in a little box,
The world will never see it.
It wasn’t meant to be published.