I live
In false reality,
So they say.
A world of 'nonsense'
And 'immature play'.

A world where one
Cannot be torn.
No heart to break,
Nobody to mourn.

For here I lay
On my bed,
To breathe.
Creating a creation,
Only known to me.

As Stars and moon
Begin to shine.
Through world of wonder,
That is only mine.

And this little truth,
Is truly divine.

I’ve gone over tiktok, then instagram, then tiktok then
facebook and no sign
no sign of you, this is odd that you would
after a year of dumping me with no contact,
saying you are happy with her,
that you’d stay gone, today as well.

Oh I know .
I know one does not love like I love if one
has not got damage, you feel so sweet in my
head; in real life, I might push you
away, in here you are mine, forehead pressed
to me, mine, I keep
your heart in the palm
of my hands, like
a baby bird, I keep it
gently, I could
break its bones
real easy, I would
never,

in real life you hold my head,
a sickly child all over
again, I cannot
hide my eyes and pretend
I am invisible like I did
then, I know

you have seen me, you have seen me
and you will not say the words;
when you do not
speak them, I want to die, you
call me friend, in real
life you frighten, you
do not want me, or that’s
not what you said, you said
you want me but

can’t choose me over her, said
you were happy, now here
I am, here, it’s been so long
you’ve crushed it and still,
somehow it
pumps, I

dreamed briefly of
crashing into rocks
instead of you, not

for you, for men,
all lovers betray,
I still have the note,
sits hollow and quiet, in
my google docs, IN CASE
I **** MYSELF, I edit it
sometimes, add people, it's
in comic sans, just to
**** with you all,

but days like today I imagine
I imagine you and forget you are
not coming back ever,
ever, not as a friend,
not as a lover, not
ever
not coming back, ever

I watch videos of me imagining
your reaction,

look at angel numbers, google the meaning, and
twin flames,  

when there’s nothing to hold on to -
I invent it. I hate that I am like this,
it’s why I survived.

I hate that I am like this,

how I love you is not
normal, one should
not love like this, It's
okay, I just need
to **** the hope, I need
to make the hope stop.

Don't imagine what it's like to be with me
Because I'm not an easy person to be with
I will tell you I won't cheat
But you will think I am lieing
I will not make you feel secure
Because when you ask me about my day
Or why I dropped off the face of the earth for hours on end
I will tell you I don't remember
And I'm only partially lieing
because I don't want to tell you that my mind was in the clouds and the characters in my head i find more important than you
But don't take this personally because I don't find many in reality more important than the people I dream up
So while you assume I'm cheating I'm digging craters in my bedroom floor pacing around my room talking to myself
But I'll tell you I don't remember
Because that's so much easier than explaining the turmoil going on in my brain

Lusting lies
Soulful cries
It was not in the book
I made it up in my mind

The maladaptive is attractive to those like me
Isn't there a world where you'd rather be
Hours of daydreams at the expense of living
Is worth it for a world more solvable and forgiving
Infection, hiding scars, and makeshift bandages
Are worth it for the focus and the high's advantages
Anonymous self depreciation like a digital confession
Is worth it for hiding my distracted depression
Wandering around with thoughts of the end
Before I start to face down what's going on in my head