I sit and think about all the things you've said to me,
Sweet nothings, the time you asked me to go on a date with you
I was almost but we stopped because you were too nervous.
So cute, so sweet, so independent.
Lately there hasn't been anything more though.
You don't talk to me anymore.
When you do its always,
"Give me an hour." "I'll be there soon." "Some other time."
No follow through though.
I'm waiting.
Always waiting.
"Soon" is never going to come.
I'll always be waiting on you won't I?

And he is sunshine.
He warms me from the inside out,
like drinking wine straight from the bottle.
He smiles and a dove coos,
He laughs and I cry.
He whispers his dreams to the stars and they play it back to me like a record on repeat,
But at night the needle scratches and all I can hear are my own whispers of I love you,
I love you,
I love him.

Hugs are thing I've lived on,
the difference between now and then is that I've learned to go longer without
But now that's a decision that I am starting to doubt.
Now some of my relationships just seem so impersonal,
and if I can remember what it feels like it'll be  a curse and a miracle.
Maybe it's how it gets me feeling emotionally protected
cause I'm strong but this life can blow my chest in,
Maybe I'm just being too overdramatic
If I am then it's most likely a habit.
Being someone who cries it's an emotional release, and I'm an addict
What I'm used to is escaping and keeping an attitude of "let me be"
especially when I try to keep them all from to ever see.
Because what need is there if they don't know what to do, or what to say?
It's a road I've always walked alone anyway.
I've been cried to but what do I have to complain about?!
Keeping a straight head is something I've had to learn without
any guidance. I haven't lived with both of my parents since 10.
I know it's longer than a lot of other kids get, but for a moment can I just pretend
that I can still be affected, that it's understandable to collapse?
It's not like anyone will catch me, I've pretty much seen them all just wait for the emotion to pass.
I've tried to do exactly that,
but then life beats harder with it's emotional circumstance bat.
"Alex, you don't need to go this by on your own"
Thanks, I'll let you know when I find someone who'll help me carry on.
"But just text me when you feel in the bad way"
Okay, but everything you've said is almost identical to what the others say.
And don't get me wrong, I've took of the popular advise,
But it either shows how they don't feel for me or what I've already realized earlier in this life.
This is probably the most I've straight up gotten but I feel there's more to pour,
"but if I do then who reads it"
Self loathing, I do not know anymore.
Sometimes I shouldn't listen to myself, but nobody else would talk to me,
and if they do I can tell their meaning isn't of much purity.
Just don't tell me you'll talk if you're not going to listen.
Communication's a one way street, and lately mine seems faded and distanced.

I know this is my fault, I can't look at it otherwise.
We all know I can be strong body-wise,
but is there strength in my mind to apologize?
And once I do what other path can I go on,
I've seen no other roads I can walk on.
Cause all I feel is been stomped on.
This game's looked impossible
and you know I have played on!
So where's my mental strength now?
It looks like it's on the ground,
where do I build it up?
Nobody seems to wanna teach me how.
Can I ever build myself up to where it would hold,
or am I forever destined to be left in the cold, lonely soul?
Who's to say the cause, I just do not know.
The only thing that's been built are these feelings inside,
stuck in my mind,
trying to climb,
and explode up like a triggered mine.

In words
I am blind folded in a room and people are or are not standing around me
Either way, I cannot feel them**
In other words
I am missing a wire in my brain, the one that is shared between two people
It sparks when you make a connection with someone, a potential
Mine was never installed
That is
I have become such good friends with myself over the years
We are bored now and need a new playmate
So basically
I have taken the time to try and be “friend” but it never works
I know because I’m never invited to the late night McDonald’s trip unless I’m in the room
In plainer terms
I feel I have a presence that turns people away
With a glance they decide they cannot be my friend
Simply put
I think I’m lonely
And seriously lacking interpersonal skills

There will be someone there
Down that long lonely road
Maybe someone who will
Help you carry the load.
Maybe nothing more than
Someone who cares
To listen to you speak
And walk with you somewhere.

It all will depend on you
Whether you are seeing
And whether you can hear
A loving caring being.
Or whether you are hearing
That chanting in your mind
That you have trained yourself
To treat yourself unkind.

It will matter heavily
If you prefer to count weeds
Rather than smell flowers
Because that’s what it needs
If you want to change directions
And take a different route.
Want to ***** and grumble?
You have to cut it out!

Look for the beautiful
The kindness in your life.
Avoid the painful focus
On resentment and strife.
There will be someone there
Down that long lonely road
Maybe someone who will
Help you carry the load.

Afraid for my thoughts to come out of my mouth,
cause then if I do it'll put the others in doubt.
Am I needy if every time I want I keep quiet,
because then all that'll ever follow me is silence.
I never owned a car radio but I have a love for music,
I've cut skin,
worked out
and banged my head to it.
It's been expressing my highs and lows all throughout my life,
but it's often failed to save me when reality takes its bite.
I ask a question,
and it's often answered in silence,
when has silence made any **** sense,
it's why people make riots.
Yesterday,
before I left for a trip at the end of the week,
I saw a ripped note from my sister saying that she hates me.
I couldn't quite get it because half of it was ripped somewhere else,
but if I found the other half it wouldn't make me more or less hate myself.
Is my presence here wrong? 
If so where can I belong?
How many people will remember me if I'm not gone.
I've heard "it's okay" but that only works for so long.
Quick distraction,
it only works back to back and simultaneous.
But keeping up the charade has proven just as dangerous.

Acting either fake or like no one else is more real,
so how's it true that anyone really cares how i feel.
Senselessness, right in my home's illogicality,
how am i suppose to make sense of this reality?
And all that is ever not working is their broken mentalities.
Everything that I've set my mind for has been firing back,
and an original solution is something others simply lack.
Why am I feeling so degenerated, 
it's because my senses are irritated:
hurts to feel,
all smells rotten,
and every taste of color has been intimately forgotten.
All I see is problems and everything I hear is cotton.
Maybe it's just time to find a new moral doctrine. 
Don't be scared,
the numb pain visits me every night,
just be sure to buckle your seats and hold on tight.
You've been on a ride going through my mind,
and this won't happen at just any time.
And especially now don't forget how are these words are mine.
I was left here,
morals and chance chose my path,
and if you'd say any different you would face my wrath.
It's dark here, 
and if no light shows no light reflects, 
coldness and hostility is all I can detect.
Don't let me rot here,
like all the others before you,
I hope by now this is a fine picture I drew.
I hate here,
I'm the points that I make and each rebuttal is a step you take.
And wherever you're walking I hope you have not begun
cause the chances of my following you are slim to none.

Smoke on the windowsill
Dust and ash clinging to bare feet
Cigarettes numb the air
Sighing each other to sleep in synchronization
Breathe slow

Half-sipped cups and sticky residue
Strewn playing cards collapsed on the carpet
Crumbs and remnants of socialization
Empty chairs
Silent atmosphere

Eyes open in a sleeping room
Anxiety pooling in jittery feet
Twice heavy breathing in tandem
Syncopated with a third dissonant exhalation
Closed blinds