I thought that saying goodbye,
would be the hardest thing to say to you.
And in a way it was,
but in another it wasn't.
It felt sad; it felt exhilarating.

I thought that love, all kinds,
meant giving you're all to someone.
But it doesn't, it means something more.
It means that you give them a piece
of yourself for them to cherish,
and they do the same.

But you can't give something away,
that doesn't exist.
I didn't understand at first,
but now I do.

I never loved myself,
I loved you.
I used to feel I would die
with joy from being around you.

And then I woke up one morning,
and I realized that I did die.

That the every miniscule piece of who I was,
had ceased to exist.
I realized that I was empty,
and always had been.

So instead of killing myself for your love,
I lived for my own.

And now I drive around,
listening to Tom Petty,
wearing red lipstick;
lips wrapped around the back half of a cigarette..

And I am so happy.

I feel free.
I feel like I can conquer anything,
because I escaped a painful death;
a death by you.

But then it was time to say "Hello again.."
and it was harder than goodbye.
It brang back the memories of sadness.
Of lonliness.
Of being afraid.

Then the moment passed...

*And I still feel free.

are we so unloved........in this the very day
that holds together all of creation?

wonderous sight!...eachother!
freely coming unto what we know to call
"the sacred door"

weeping and moaning in sheer lonliness
hating our abusing friends
who we then so gladly abuse
thankful for "justification"

we stomp our own poor face by face
we'd re-lynch negros if we could
get the rag heads YES WE CAN...HURRAY!
while the deadly oil spill
SIMPLY ERASED

IF NOT FROM THE WATERS .....THEN
FROM MEMORIES

we hate our lovers from the day we meet
and when he's gone
we want him back again!

so very unloved
but wait!
when a true friend appears
we just call him "nerd" or "geek"

lonley loveless
yet so safe

from the overwhelming reality

loving to be unloved
the power trip that never fades away

I had to...
I have to do something.
The lonliness and stress were eating away at me
My hands and heart have been itching to be creative for a while now.
I have not been able to write for weeks.
My head is on over-drive.
I am so stressed/scared/nervous about the tomorrow.
What if it is worse than they thought?
What if something goes wrong?