Every night I dream of swimming, but this time it was different. I’ve been caught inside a wave, I begin to drown. My legs are tied to an anchor and I’m finding my way closer to the bottom of the sea. I yell for help, knowing no one can hear my cries. I begin to look up and see the people I love watch me as I suffocate wanting to gasp for air, but life swallows me whole. Every morning at 3 am, I am at war with my mind while you are asleep. Balancing between life and death searching for a way out of limbo. But the waves get bigger, and the tides come in harder. I remember the one time I went to the beach, and all I ever wanted to do is be the king of the ocean. So I built sand castles to the best of my knowledge, conquering my skills. But the tides of the waters continued to crush my creations. Knowing this would happen, I still became frustrated unaware that I was supposed to be learning a lesson about life. Where life was the ocean, turning into a tsunami and I was the castle being torn down and taken back. I begin to drown again. And when my lungs fill with water, it feels like a knife being jammed into my ribs and I am bleeding. I start to become cold and numb. I run to think that maybe I deserve this, maybe I am fault so I begin to give up. In that very moment I notice my position continues to get deeper, I gasp for my last breath and I am only letting the salt water run through my veins drowning me from the inside out. And I am being crushed by the pressure, it becomes unbearable. This is my life, everyday I suffer with this, and I know that you will not be able to walk a mile at the bottom of the sea in my shoes. Every night before I go to sleep, I tell myself it is okay to let go and be done, but I cannot leave the ones I love to suffer at the expense of my doing and my wrongs. I will not stand to be that selfish. My eyes begin to close and I knew this was it. My days are over, this time I was not waking up from this dream. But then something happened, and I was not prepared. As soon as I let go, I let God. Tears begin to rush down my face. He gave me breathe once more, giving me life again. Letting me know that He will not let His creation go to waste that easily. He told me that He did not create me to give up, but believe and live by Him. He lifted me up and showed me the way back. He taught me to love myself, and to never feel alone and left filling me in that I am never alone and that He will always be there with me. In a blink of an eye, He was gone but there at the same time. Now, I do not dream about swimming anymore but flying, wings spread out knowing I will not fall, because as long as I believe and never let go I can conquer it all.
