She opened my eyes allowing me to tap in to something I never knew existed from within. Embedded. Tethering her soul onto mine, talk about alignment. Setting all of my paths straight, God really must be a woman.

You can confide in me, just remember I too am only a vessel which means I can only hold so much before I'm overloaded carrying baggage I was never meant to, and can't drop on the curb every Friday morning...but come Friday night, I thought I did. Pouring out bottle after bottle, drowning myself in liquor drunken in a sunken place reaching an area unfathomable and out of reach of everything. The more I drank, the deeper I got, losing myself in the waters, hoping I'd be able to catch a wave, but it was too late. I found myself in a place where waves didn't happen anymore, and the pressure continued to build by masses I wasn't built to handle. I finally hit rock bottom, and there was nothing more I could do.

Hopeless.

Feeling this way is like screaming while on a roller coaster, it happens, but no one ever really pays attention. After all, we are all on the same ride. Belonging to the same local area, networking creating a web of support, but everyone knows once night falls and the screen goes black all you’ve got is yourself.

Restless.

In the middle of the night, running through thoughts without leaving a trace of how to get back so I go until I can’t run anymore. Falling deep into a-me-gdala. Trapped in a trance of nostalgia, replaying past experiences in search of something new. Instead, I just lay hear hoping that tomorrow never comes. After all, it isn’t like we were promised it in the beginning.

In the morning,

When the morning comes, I’m a new person. Sun shining through the window, shedding light through the pain I once had. I remind myself that life is like an echo, and the world we live in is listening. So, I try to speak things into existence creating a balance from within. Aligning the cards I was dealt trying to make sense of them, but now I’ve noticed that the next day deals from a new deck.

I am trapped in a vessel I cannot call my own, separating myself from flesh my mind races searching for answers throughout the universe trying to pick up a frequency I hear in the distance as I close my eyes and just breathe. Imagining the crashing of waves taking me to a place of solitude. The vibe becomes promising as I’m pulled into another dimension I like to be, reminding myself that in order to find peace I must follow the beat box central from within. Producing the transfer of messages necessary to keep me going.

All I ever want to do now is soak up the positivity, see me as an electron in search of a proton forcing a pull greater than any, this what I yearn for. I’m conflicted with the thought that my own life might not be in my own hands and that my destiny was predetermined which is why I find myself lost, stuck in a place of non-complacency I must not conform to these motions/notions instead learn enlightenment, be more like Buddha. Practicing internal balance, meditate listening to the stories the wind has tell or hearing birds chirp, singing a tune in a tranquil expanse of nature where even flowers never really die but are rebirthed.

Keeping self in mind I mustn’t become jaded by the external, allowing my chakras to become deranged. Instead, I become selfish. Realizing that the ten toes I was given weren’t made for falling. I gain hope in process where failure gives the opportunity to grow in what we call life.

But, could it all just be a dream? Letting inception take its course when things are out of my hands. Feeling more myself than I’ve ever been. Actually feeling what it’s like to be me. To be free.

It's funny how I'll put up this front like nothing's wrong and keeping my heart far from my sleeve so you won't know the pain that resides deep down tethered around my soul.

Even the day after, I still wanted to pick up the phone to call you trying to figure out what was going on, but I couldn't. Now all I have are one way conversations trying to find some computation to make it all make sense...but it still doesn't add up.

I couldn't form my lips to speak the words into existence without realizing how painful it actually was. A pulse trembled throughout my body, but I felt a part of me escape through the tears that ran across my face effortlessly. Stripping me of one of the only pieces of you I had and I would truly give up my last to get that back.

In a world full of puzzles I only hold a piece without knowing where the box is. And all I ask is that I'm able to keep onto it til I'm shown that time doesn't actually exist and that life is just a dream we are waiting to wake up from. Because that's what I imagine it feels like.

All I'm left with are memories, but then i remember that not all stories have happy endings.

I love you.

12 June 2016

I want to burn that **** house down, feel the heat of our arguments burst into flames leaving nothing but ashes of memories. I want to lock myself in a room composed of 4 walls, and no door. Sit there remaining lonesome, because in that house I was always alone. It was never a home, and I was never wanted. All I ever wanted was to be taken to a place far far away...

You can never trust the kid that laughs everything off, and does all he can without anything being reciprocated. Next time you see him, tell him that Halloween is over, so he doesn't have to wear that mask anymore. Get him to release the unchained thoughts lingering in his mind, devouring him from the inside out. Give him a place to call home where the doors are open so he doesn't relapse from nostalgia, because he has come too familiar with what happens behind closed doors.

You only get time to think.

They say everyone has a killer instinct, you just gotta push the right buttons. It seems that you believe that I'm a robot to your command, and have lost the instructions so you continue to press all of my buttons until you find the right one. Ignorant you are, and will remain until you learn me. If only you would take the time to sit me down, open the gate to my insides to be introduced to my wiring. Unscrew the jar of pain that resides near my chest, so you can know what strength looks like. I want you to unwind the clock on my wrist to turn back time to see how long it's been since the last time you told me you loved me.

He prays you have time, because every hour you pass another year rewinds. It's 12 o'clock.

11
10
9
8
7
6

Have you ever dreamt of what's it's like to wake up knowing you left others to live their lives as your soul ventures on it's new journey, after death, but before Christ you will bend hand and knee letting Him know you believe and hope that you will fit through the narrow pathway into the gates of heaven not quite sure of what it will be, but sure enough of it being pure greatness. And in a split of a second all of your lifetime memories replay inside of your mind causing a neurological explosion of nostalgia to release and you remember...remember those you love living in the moment and feeling the pain of sorrow

Can you prove to me that it isn't a struggle to tell a young black boy that he will never experience the physical presence of his mother, because she was taken away from him when he was just a baby. A baby, who will grow and wonder why none of the familiar faces is the one he is in search for. A child, who will never have the benefit of being a mamas boy. A young man, victim of defaulted abandonment issues. Just another precious black son, who will be challenged as another statistic because he was deprived of the greatest love one can ever receive.

A mothers love is one of the greatest love there is, but a black mothers love is even more powerful. Because a black mothers love is built on back aches from working all day long to feed her children dinner ever night. Foundation so strong, Hercules himself would break a sweat. A black mothers love is shaped by the predetermined deck of cards she was dealt as a person of color ever since the beginning. Misused and hardly understood. Her worth, a beautiful black queen so devine, it shall endure until the end of time.

And still I ponder!

How can you tell a mother holding her newborn child that before she sees her last day, her sons body will leave this earth before her own? Giving her the knowledge that will cause hurricanes to reach shore. Changing her life for the worst, because she must raise a boy who may not make it into being a man, but he will always be a mamas boy. And she will do her ****** best to make sure his life was worthwhile and had meaning. Impacting more then just herself, but the world around.

I tell you, there is not a pain greater than a mother laying her son to rest, because  his days are ceased before her own. It's non-traditional, a bit unorthodox but is slowly making its way into a norm as the number of young black lives lost rises. Im just tired of seeing the numbers of my people drop slowly but surely  

So, still I ask when are black lives going to matter? How many more lives have to be stolen from us until we say enough is enough? How many more lives have to be stolen until we teach our young ones to love their skin, and every little thing that makes them them. Teach them, that black is beautiful and always has been. Maybe then we will find peace, And if not we will die trying.