When im anxious
I want to drink
I want to cut my wrists
Release these stressful thoughts
In the form of
Whiskey
and blood

I took some Ativan
Ive been prescribed
longer than a normal person should
Because its a benzo
And that ***** addicting
And I know that
Because I have a nursing degree

But still I think about mixing
The benzo
And the whiskey
With some blood
When im anxious

Because when im anxious
Rational thought
Is a thing in the past
Gasping for air
Feels like choking on glass
I am now physically sick
But my doctor insists
"Its just stress"

When Im anxious
I think about killing myself
But wouldnt that be typical?
Follow in his footsteps.
I can hear the chatter now
"She was never going to make it"
"Why would she do that to herself?"

Is this real?
Or my paranoia?
Because when im anxious
It all feels the same

I think I would die in vain
If I take my life
When im anxious

Sometimes I just like to chill with the lights low and turn on some sad songs and just cry my *** off

Mixed emotions are coming through.
And I have to stay fit, can’t let them know I’m feeling blue.

I stay in character, and I stay okay.
But deep down inside, I think I’m starting to decay.

They ask me how I’m doing, if I’m feeling fine. I keep a smile on my face, but what they don’t know, it’s a big lie.

Fighting the tears and the sorrow everyday. I try so hard to keep up in this earthly play.

But I think we all are, and that makes me feel sane. That the whole world is also, feeling this pain.

they say the gods grant you
a wish if you build a thousand
origami paper cranes
I have built a million of them
using the finest coloured paper
from stalks of bamboo written in ink
each flies with a wish I've made
hundreds with the same whisper
that you'll find me again someday
they say good things come to those
who spare the life of a spider
I've spared every spider I have ever seen
since I was six years old, I was careful
talked to them often, quietly
so they wouldn't be lonely like me
gave them droplets of water late at night
and asked them if they would help me
find you again some day, too
now, good luck visits me late at dusk
when I dream of your countenance
my reward is the sweetest night
bliss at the moonlight against your softness
though I wake, alone once more

At the edge of the wood
And draw maps of what we believe
Our anatomies will look like
Before and after the war

sometimes I wonder,
sometimes way to late at night.
I think about my plunder,
and my life before I had any real sight.
I ponder the actual point,
of life, god, and love.
I think about the way that life always blunders along,
a never ending train, and a never ending song.
when we fade away from time, from minds across the worlds.
I wonder if the earth remembers all our crimes,
from breaking hearts to stealing pearls,
we're all guilty from budding till we curl.
In many ways we're a flower,
in many ways we're not.
I wonder what they're seeing
and I wonder what their not.
i guess they wonder too, about life. probably a lot

6 months you say.

That’s how long you’ll be away. You leave today actually, maybe in the next 6 or 7 hours. You’ll be saying goodbye to your family and your home and I will be here.

I haven’t seen you since last Sunday’s church service and I think I won’t see you until these months are over.

To tell you the truth Baer, I’m scared of being by myself for that long. Most days you’re the sister I met too late, and I do and don’t wish we met sooner, but as for right now that’s not a big deal.

So I’ll count the hours in 6 months. 4380 of them to be exact.

I’ll get through how I can, if I can.

You remember what you said to me before I left the church that morning?

“Call me, text me, I’ll make time for you.”

It still seems funny that you’ll make time for me like I’m incredibly important or something.

I still haven’t even texted you. Part of me believes you’re too busy for me to barge in.

But I will wait out these hours. That’s something I can do.

Before you go...

I just thought you should know... you know..

I love you always. Come home safe.

I cannot breathe

My nostrils caving in on themselves
The sensation of impaling arrows piercing my chest

My body is heavier than it was
A minute ago
When I wasnt thinking
About
My breathing.

Twidling fingers
The twitch of my jaw
Restless legs: a mind of their own

This bed doesnt feel as comfortable
As it did
When I wasnt thinking
About
Relaxing.

"Just breathe"
"Its all in your head"
"Sink into the mattress"
"Dont look at how late it is"

My mind is much louder now
Than it was
When I wasnt thinking
About
My anxiety.

When you are afraid
It will masquerade
As smiles and nods
There is no escape

If fear is a lier
Yanking my thinnest wire
I am too trusting
Pouring gasoline on the fire

Now I'm shaking to the bone
My feet are made of stone
I'm surrounded by faces
Yet somehow I'm alone