I
Sleep
Yet
Never
Rest

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To make out in seclusion
Coz no water is on the peak
Penetrated deeper inside
Stuck in captivus
Ov'r the hilltop
Into the horizon after

rumble of thunder
lightning across the skyline
light shines in the night

.....
.......
.....

I see my friends in new relationships, in bliss
I'm happy for them
I'm also a bit bitter if I'm being honest
And if I'm being honest I'm never really honest
It's a protection plan of mine like
the kind you get when you're at the checkout and the
cashier who's on her
second hour of overtime
says that for thirty extras dollars all your broken parts can be fixed
if you bring it back
There was an asterisk next to the plan
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
so when you bring it back with a shattered screen
they say they can't help you because you did it to yourself
And I've done this
thing
to myself
Over and over and over again
Waiting for the time it works
The right formula of time multiplied by distance divided by maturity
But the solution I come up with always equals zero no matter what numbers I move around it stays the same
I don't commit because I've committed too much before
I don't walk on those egg shells anymore
When I love there is an asterisk next to my heart
Terms and Conditions apply, please sign here
Don't get too close because you might see me without my mask
And unmasked me is brutal and burnt out
As frail as thin ice covering the pond of his regrets
I've grown old groaning on about these things
A cold king with a cold crown sitting on a cold throne
alone
And I don't want to be alone but I don't want to change
This is normal for me and it feels safe even if it is killing me slowly
Nobody has been through my shoes
You can sympathize but don't ever say you can empathize
You have not seen through my eyes or felt with my heart
There are parts of me I lost with every step forward I took in absolute fearlessness and faith and it crippled me
So don't act like I have those parts of me, still
There are things I just cannot do anymore
Like an amputee who can't feel his wife's hand in his anymore
Like a paraplegic who can't run a marathon anymore'
Like a young boy who spent his love in fullness and never got any back
Please, just accept that this is who I am and I can't change that
Because it's not in my nature anymore
It just can't happen

Words don't come to me as easily as they once did
I've said it before
Said it before
said it before
Cynical echo sound away
So I erase, backspace, highlight and delete every syllable of love, fear, anxiety, I've lived through in this life
Smother my worth with worthlessness but I hope someone else feels they are worth it
That's my drive
Keeping a stranger alive another day, perhaps
Writing on a beach just to let my words wash away in the sand
Let myself soul drift out beyond the waves, but my body forgot to become drowned in the deep
where silence is the deadliest sound
and I've grown deaf
breathing but not alive

Sleep
No longer rests
for the hauntings
In my dreams
Looking back
always
Never forward
For what is there?

I see myself
Slip away
Before I begun
Fear-ridden
By ghosts in my head
so much potential
yet I stay here
withered

I would describe depression as purple
and show you the frailty of my sanity
a long hallway with a long staircase
that goes up as it goes downwards
parts of you will fall off as you climb
rattling and echoing like a ghost
passing yourself seven times over
dusty lungs barely keeping you up
do you ever wonder if it ever ends?