why do i feel so sad?
nothing happened
least not really
but i am wrong
i am always wrong

that is what
they said

I believed them

I can feel the darkness, beckoning me to jump,
Allowing it to envelop me in its cold winged, empty abyss.
A hollow, rigid weight pressing down upon my chest,
getting heavier and heavier, pushing me deeper to despair
until it crushes my lungs, allowing for no air to be gained.

I can feel the terror enticing me to play a game of Russian roulette.
Any minute now may be my last.
An empty coffin, surrounded by mourning faces of those that once turned their backs,
pleading that I had just spoken, but when I did they ran away,
telling me that the burden I have always carried, was mine to bare alone.

I can hear the last beckoning words of my once happy dreams,
'just hold on, it won't be this dark forever';
but then I remember that it is not the dark that I am afraid of, and maybe that is the problem.
I am afraid of the emptiness that unfurls before me,
leaving me alone to battel these faceless monsters that are too powerful to ever be beaten.

I can feel the cold, darkness enticing me to lie down and give in,
enveloping me in my last shred of sanity
before the darkness takes me up in it's hollowed out pity,
laughing in my face about the weak, feeble character I have become.
Broken and bruised by a world that could not see the damage it had caused a child;
offering only cold shoulders of the night to lay my head upon.

do not face the pain
hide in your abyss
cut your emotions wrists
don’t ever slip

the pain which you don’t deserve
i fight to forgive myself
please be happy
i’m sorry

my body’s a prison
the flowers that grew on my heart
now dry and dead
the the butterflies in my stomach
decayed to dust
the rainbow over my eyes
covered by rain
my brain is fried
i can’t take this pain

I claw and drool for social acknowledgement.

I’m so blind by the drive, I’m not disgusted by the animal I am and others I admire.

Degrading and defacing myself in the process.

Leave a compliment, for attention and false exchange of treatment.

I hold my phone incapable of moan.

This thing.

It doesn’t care about me.

Neither do the people on it.

My family does.

But I must find acceptance from my peers.
I have to steal their eyes and ears.
They do it, so I must too.
Throw away all my integrity, of which there is few.

101 156 144 040 151 164 047 163 040 150 145 162 145 040 141 147 141 151 156 015 012 167 151 164 150 157 165 164 040 150 145 163 151 164 141 164 151 157 156 054 040 167 151 164 150 157 165 164 040 167 141 162 156 151 156 147 040 015 012 015 012 121 165 151 145 164 054 015 012 101 164 040 146 151 162 163 164 056 015 012 015 012 123 154 157 167 054 015 012 123 145 145 160 151 156 147 054 040 144 162 151 160 160 151 156 147 056 015 012 015 012 111 040 160 165 164 040 151 164 040 144 157 167 156 040 164 157 040 141 040 146 145 167 040 163 164 162 145 163 163 146 165 154 040 167 145 145 153 163 056 015 012 111 040 143 141 162 162 171 040 157 156 056 015 012 015 012 111 164 040 165 156 160 141 143 153 163 054 015 012 127 157 162 162 151 145 163 054 040 141 156 170 151 145 164 151 145 163 056 015 012 015 012 107 145 156 164 154 171 054 015 012 106 157 162 040 156 157 167 054 015 012 015 012 124 151 160 164 157 145 163 054 015 012 127 150 151 163 160 145 162 163 054 040 143 162 145 141 153 163 056 015 012 015 012 342 200 230 111 164 040 167 151 154 154 040 154 145 141 166 145 040 163 157 157 156 342 200 231 040 111 040 164 150 151 156 153 040 342 200 230 111 164 040 141 154 167 141 171 163 040 144 157 145 163 056 342 200 231 015 012 111 040 153 145 145 160 040 147 157 151 156 147 056 015 012 015 012 111 164 040 163 145 164 164 154 145 163 040 151 156 054 015 012 107 145 164 164 151 156 147 040 143 157 155 146 157 162 164 141 142 154 145 056 015 012 015 012 107 145 164 164 151 156 147 040 154 157 165 144 145 162 054 015 012 101 156 144 040 154 157 165 144 145 162 056 015 012 015 012 102 141 156 147 151 156 147 040 164 150 157 165 147 150 164 163 054 015 012 111 156 163 157 155 156 151 141 056 015 012 015 012 342 200 230 120 154 145 141 163 145 040 144 157 156 342 200 231 164 040 142 145 040 150 141 160 160 145 156 151 156 147 040 141 147 141 151 156 342 200 231 056 015 012 111 040 163 150 165 146 146 154 145 040 141 154 157 156 147 040 155 171 040 144 141 151 154 171 040 162 157 165 164 151 156 145 056 015 012 015 012 103 154 141 167 163 040 151 156 054 015 012 111 156 163 151 144 151 157 165 163 056 015 012 015 012 123 143 162 145 141 155 151 156 147 054 015 012 145 166 145 162 171 040 144 141 171 054 040 145 166 145 162 040 156 151 147 150 164 056 015 012 015 012 123 150 141 155 145 054 040 167 157 162 164 150 154 145 163 163 156 145 163 163 054 015 012 110 165 162 164 056 015 012 015 012 342 200 230 120 154 145 141 163 145 040 147 157 040 141 167 141 171 342 200 231 056 015 012 111 164 047 163 040 150 141 162 144 040 164 157 040 143 157 160 145 056 015 012 015 012 107 162 157 167 151 156 147 040 151 164 163 040 162 157 157 164 163 054 015 012 111 156 164 157 040 155 171 040 142 162 141 151 156 040 141 156 144 040 150 145 141 162 164 056 015 012 015 012 102 154 157 163 163 157 155 151 156 147 040 160 141 151 156 054 015 012 127 151 164 150 040 145 166 145 162 171 040 142 145 141 164 056 015 012 015 012 105 155 160 164 151 156 145 163 163 054 040 154 157 156 145 154 151 156 145 163 163 054 015 012 101 142 141 156 144 157 156 155 145 156 164 056 015 012 015 012 123 151 154 145 156 143 145 054 040 123 164 151 154 154 156 145 163 163 054 015 012 342 200 230 111 040 143 141 156 342 200 231 164 040 155 157 166 145 054 040 111 040 143 141 156 342 200 231 164 040 143 157 160 145 056 342 200 231

Fresh Guatemalan coffee roasting,
the aroma sedating everyone in the café,
calmness ensues

Jovial conversations filled with sincere appreciation for the company they have
each corner of this café vibrating with positive energy
I’m watching and hearing all of this from the back of the room
my corner has a small table,
two seats and I occupy one
the empty spot mocking me

All the noise and life in this room has no effect on me
I wear my smile and drink my liquid sedative
in the middle of all this beautiful chaos I find myself detached

my reality skewed and fixated on a negative perception of my young life
the stress has convoluted my heart strings

even with happiness in the air smothering me it fails to make me feel alive
regardless of all the people in this room I feel isolated
it’s as if I bought a first class ticket into the oblivion
the cold, deserted, barren wasteland that is my mind