I can feel the darkness, beckoning me to jump,
Allowing it to envelop me in its cold winged, empty abyss.
A hollow, rigid weight pressing down upon my chest,
getting heavier and heavier, pushing me deeper to despair
until it crushes my lungs, allowing for no air to be gained.

I can feel the terror enticing me to play a game of Russian roulette.
Any minute now may be my last.
An empty coffin, surrounded by mourning faces of those that once turned their backs,
pleading that I had just spoken, but when I did they ran away,
telling me that the burden I have always carried, was mine to bare alone.

I can hear the last beckoning words of my once happy dreams,
'just hold on, it won't be this dark forever';
but then I remember that it is not the dark that I am afraid of, and maybe that is the problem.
I am afraid of the emptiness that unfurls before me,
leaving me alone to battel these faceless monsters that are too powerful to ever be beaten.

I can feel the cold, darkness enticing me to lie down and give in,
enveloping me in my last shred of sanity
before the darkness takes me up in it's hollowed out pity,
laughing in my face about the weak, feeble character I have become.
Broken and bruised by a world that could not see the damage it had caused a child;
offering only cold shoulders of the night to lay my head upon.

do not face the pain
hide in your abyss
cut your emotions wrists
don’t ever slip

the pain which you don’t deserve
i fight to forgive myself
please be happy
i’m sorry

my body’s a prison
the flowers that grew on my heart
now dry and dead
the the butterflies in my stomach
decayed to dust
the rainbow over my eyes
covered by rain
my brain is fried
i can’t take this pain

I claw and drool for social acknowledgement.

I’m so blind by the drive, I’m not disgusted by the animal I am and others I admire.

Degrading and defacing myself in the process.

Leave a compliment, for attention and false exchange of treatment.

I hold my phone incapable of moan.

This thing.

It doesn’t care about me.

Neither do the people on it.

My family does.

But I must find acceptance from my peers.
I have to steal their eyes and ears.
They do it, so I must too.
Throw away all my integrity, of which there is few.

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Fresh Guatemalan coffee roasting,
the aroma sedating everyone in the café,
calmness ensues

Jovial conversations filled with sincere appreciation for the company they have
each corner of this café vibrating with positive energy
I’m watching and hearing all of this from the back of the room
my corner has a small table,
two seats and I occupy one
the empty spot mocking me

All the noise and life in this room has no effect on me
I wear my smile and drink my liquid sedative
in the middle of all this beautiful chaos I find myself detached

my reality skewed and fixated on a negative perception of my young life
the stress has convoluted my heart strings

even with happiness in the air smothering me it fails to make me feel alive
regardless of all the people in this room I feel isolated
it’s as if I bought a first class ticket into the oblivion
the cold, deserted, barren wasteland that is my mind

I step into the doorway
Goosebumps form across my skin
Four purples wall surround me
I sit on the bed, that almost became my coffin

This is where Lost Soul was made
I heard footsteps as my mom walks in
She says " I bet you miss this room"
But she doesn't know when I come back in here that I'm afraid

I look at the desk where I wrote my last goodbye
That fan dried my tears
That pillow soaked up my nightly crys
I spent so many months in this room
many parts of myself died
I can feel the faint presence of little girl and Lost soul still in this tomb

Thats why...
Ever since I moved out I have writers block
None of my poems trend
I wake up several times in the night
To just stare at the clock
Tick tock tick tock

After every visit...
As I drive home, I feel the room call my name
All the demons want to play
I drown out the voices
But my mind doesn't feel the same
as when I came

No mom, I do not miss this room
You have no clue what went on in here
All u do is assume
I say all of this in my mind
Because if she was to pay attention
Theres secrets in here that shes not prepared to find....