three thousand three hundred and thirty four miles
that's the distance that separates us
somehow it feels like so much more

it hurts to know that you could be so close
in the mere matter of a plane flight
just a few hours and then we'd be together

but it seems impossible now
between my life and yours
sometimes it seems that it might not even be worth it

i get questioned about you by friends
i never know the correct answers
because i've never seen you in person

i've never held you in my arms
i've never played with your hair
i've never had pillow fights with you

and somehow i feel like
i bring you down
and it makes me feel bad

because im nothing important
im just a terrible person
and you're you

an incredible
beautiful
great
person

and if i ever hurt you

im sorry

it takes
many months
fit into
many years
to drink your way to
to smoke your way to
to **** your way to
to lie your way to
to trick your way to
to swallow your way to
to consume your way to
to fiend your way to
to light your way to
to hate your way to
self-sabotage

it is wanting
everything
and denying yourself
everything
you need
to get there

I'm partly this and partly that
partly veggie and partly fat.
Trying hard to be the new man
and as she says 'partly human'.

There’s this void in my heart
A terminal illness, I was bound to die from the start
Day by day it slowly gets bigger
And so the amount of pain it does trigger
I don’t consider this to be living
And I think, Why is life so unforgiving?
But somehow I get through it
Now that I think about it, there is one secret
There is one thing that makes the pain all the more worthwhile
And it never fails to give me a smile
Always there when needed
And without it I never would have succeeded
This thing makes my body numb and fills me with joy
It makes me feel alive like a newborn baby boy
It caresses me dearly
Helps me see the world clearly
Because of this thing I feel brand new
Dont be surprised when I say this thing is you

"you know, the past
should be kept in the past."

there's a thunderstorm in the window behind me and I've been checking in on some people I used to know; would you call them friends or lovers, I don't know. my fingers can't type as fast as my mind works; or doesn't; do you know what it's like to get shot in the head? there aren't any tears; you're not a debby downer, you're the life of the party; you're smiling and cracking jokes but inside you wish you were dead; you shoot deer but you think about turning that gun around and shooting yourself; gunshots can't be as loud as your mind; to disrupt the neighbourhood would be the least of your selfish concerns; would anyone remember you if you died?; has anyone noticed you left or have they all just moved on without you?; old habits die hard and you just want to feel something, I just want to feel something; who are we?; no one but strangers who once kissed so hard their lips bled; oh how raw and passionate; i can't seem to be able to distinguish the difference between pain, pleasure and passion; but in my dreams I feel more alive than when I'm awake; when can I crawl into bed next?; I don't want to sleep, you are too far but you are too close; perhaps this was all an impulsive mistake, don't you worry about the inbetweens and the afters; worry about now and yesterday; I am forever haunted by my past; your karma follows you and so do I; don't you dare point that gun in my direction again; I'd rather be set on fire; douse me in gasoline in our bed; turn everything you loved into ashes; I will survive because you never really loved me; everyone is moving on and like the sun I am staying still; revolve around me but don't get too close; you can't even look at me without going blind; the sun is not as beautiful as we romanticize her to be; thunder so loud it shakes your room; you shake me to the core; the lightning will strike again; do you know what it feels like to be shot in the head?

I am trying to pull myself together
Every single day, trying to make it through
I can't do this

I feel like a dog pulled by the neck
I can't seem to breathe and my breath has become someone else's
My feet are buried deep and I'm destroying the flowers I'm being dragged through

I stopped eating from the hand that once was there
I miss it but I can't seem to piece it all together
How something so full could pass faster than the weather

I can't stand on my own, I can't do this
I saw the beauty in things other's didn't
This beauty was never beautiful
Everything I did seemed to be wrong

I am everywhere yet I can't seem to grasp a hold of myself
My thoughts through my fingers
My breath is not mine anymore

i love you,
i really do

i just can't seem to accept it.