Fantasizing everyone
Sexualizing everyone
And why?

I am alone

Fantasizing everyone
Sexualizing everyone
Again.

I'm alone
And I

Devote myself to life as if to keep
The stars promised of our destiny
Safe and strong and confronting
Their mirrors with the proper self applause

Alone.

I contain a fire, the raging heat
The signal pyre, Autumn and the Spring
For heat, I chill with my demeanor
For cold, I prefer to warm your
Goosebumps with my open mouth
If permitted take the walkabout
To linger with my fingers down your leg
If permitted, take the hidden way
To kiss your heart and light your path
With the source of all your worry
Nurtured between my lips

Fantasizing everyone
Sexualizing everyone
And why?

What connectivity is left to crave?

The men who back their friends
Into corners after arranging
Clandestine ******* after
Clearing out the place to have their way

The men who stand with ****
In hand, pathetic and commanding
Limp of love, and targeting
The the light they view as weak

I was made just for that
Assembled in a factory
As an indentured guide
To lead to the promised land

They drew up my design
Schematic with *******
And motherly empathy
Perfect for abuse
And a ***** perfect
For dysphoria
For when I learn to love myself
It reminds me I'm
Armed with alarm
And filled with the fluid
The learned are simply right to hate

Alone.

At times in existence
What you feel cannot be described
The words are there ready to erupt
The circuitry laid inside
Is beyond description
You're allowed your own wants
You'll never know if they're wrong
You paint it, you say it, angry at night
You sing it til it curdles into bloodied screams
The reality is your beauty
Is so kind that it gets the knife
The tip drips with black instead of white
The pen is, it turns out, poisoned
With toxicity to life
You live hope. You live faith.
You are strength.
Yet your desire is forever ensnared
Caught in a cry

I can't take the pressure and stress
Year after year, mess after mess
Giving less than my best, in constant distress
I'm looking for a relationship not just ***
I search for someone who isn't impressed
By checks and material objects
Who would rather talk in person not on the phone or text
I'm going to give up now unless
Silence is broken, it's not so I guess
I have to get used to this loneliness
I feel ill if I talk to myself for too long
So instead I fill the silence with song
If you are Mr. Right why are you always wrong?
I guess it is time for us to move on
Watching you break while I remain strong
Stomping your feelings but you walked upon
My feelings first, now it's dawn
I'm wrapped in the memory of how it feels to belong
Alone so I grow clingy, wish I knew how to prolong
This relationship til someone new comes along
I am too needy, you're too withdrawn
If it could have worked I wouldn't be singing this song
We need to let go, no point holding on
The love we took for granted is already gone.

HOOK:
If happiness finds a way to your door
That knock I hope you will not ignore
I am rooting for you to win and succeed
I may be what you want but not who you need.

I look into your eyes, I know we were meant to be
We weren't meant to stay together, that's the catch you see
I was made for you, and you for me
For who we were during those moments, not infinity
Our love wasn't a mirage because it was temporary
We grew into two new human beings
Who could never decide so we'd disagree
I no longer call you baby
I'm not the same girl you fell for anymore
That foolish child walked out the door
We wish we could be who we were before
Two teenagers excited to learn and explore
Our issues were easy to ignore
We left them to rot on the bathroom floor
We didn't notice now we both are transformed
All the way down inside our cores
Hopelessness has my heart sore
Love is not supposed to feel like a chore
We hate the one we used to adore
We can't make eachother happy, what we try for?
I love you but I realized I need something more.

HOOK

Ever since I was a child,
I have held near and dear
Fairy tales and whispers of More
Not often faithful belief but joy,
Wonder, lessons of morality mental pearls
That I might string, lively, worrybeads,
Which turn, fixed, Princess Periezade's grief,
No healing waters for transformed princes,
For the Magic has gone out.

It is no wonder that Pandora
In that box containing all plagues
Held too Hope, broken-winged, fragile, dull
Worst of all evils, to Nietzsche,
I understand him much better now,
It does truly prolong the torment,
The taunting cruelty that some tomorrow
May be better, but not tonight  
For the Magic has gone out.

I go to write the words on my pen,
but the ink runs dry.

Looking into the sea of my thoughts,
I begin to drown.

I reach and I grasp,
nothing.
I scream and I shout,
only silence.
I fill with doubt,
and doubt screams back at me....

"It's not true.
You can't make it.
If you ruin it,
then at least it was by your own choice.
Your fears,
are just the reality you face every day.
Give yourself back to me,
and become again who you used to be."

For a moment I sink further,
further into the abyss,
wanting to give myself away,
to let myself drown.

Further and further I go.
With each passing moment,
the doubt grows,
and I dwindle.

No longer knowing who I am,
I succumb at last to the water.
The dark chill of my thoughts,
the empty hollowness of who I become, and
the fears of my past begin to sink in.

All at once,
I am reminded of my past faults.
I am reminded of my past fears.
I am reminded of my past anxieties.
I am reminded of the loss of all that I hold dear.

I rise from the water at last, and
I breathe again.

I realize that,
no matter how much I grow up,
no matter how much I try,
no matter how many tears I cry,
I will always be scared.

I will always be scared,
of those who said they cared,
and hurt me the most.

There is a figure in black
Behind a door.
He talked with whoever
Came by.

He told tales
Of a time
When he was great.
A time
When he saw he sun.

His voice fills with anguish
When he gets to the part
Where space and time lurched
out of his reach,
And he fell into the gap in between.
Slowly he deteriorated,
And his sobs are heard through the door
By the listener.

He tells them,
'I am fading away.'

'No longer do my eyes glow with the same light as they used to,
They are dimming.
And no longer do I embrace my children,
Or cry in my wife's arms.
They are miles away from me.'

He is alone with his tears
And his suffering,
As everyday
He flakes away a little more.
The ash pile beneath him gets bigger all the time,
And all he can do
Is tell the voices through the door.

It's always the same.
He weeps against the wood panels,
Pleading for them to help him.
Get him out.
Open the door.
Turn the handle for goodness sake.

And then he hears their footsteps recede hastily.
Twigs and leaves snapping under their feet as they bolt into the darkness away from him.

He knows what will happen,
Every single person will react the same.
But he can't bear to let go
Of the hope that one will be different.

And yet he knows they never will be.

Hmm, what’s that smell?
I’ll follow it through the house.
It lingers wherever I go,
Perhaps it’s me.

I recognise that smell…
The sickly stench of failure.

What’s that sound?
I’ll follow it through the house.
It rings in my ears wherever I go,
A tinny, shrieking laugh.

Of course,
It is the sound of cynical laughter.
Mockery.
Every second of it impaling me.

What’s that darkness
At the edge of my vision?
It is creeping further in.

Of course,
It’s the blinding death of guilt.
It is the poison that seeps throughout
My every cell.

I cannot see,
I am choked, unable to breathe,
The sound, it deafens, it deafens.

The floor is colliding with my knees,
And my vision is running away.
My ears are being crushed into my head
By my hands,
In a desperate attempt to shield them.

But the thundering howling overdrive
That my senses are in…
It is melting me from the inside.

My body caresses the floor,
Slipping…
My hand curls away from my head,
Falling.
My vision keels over.
Darkness.

And my nose breathes in the last breath of failure,
As it rattles into my broken lungs.

We run across the tracks,
A horde of desperate children.
Our tears are raked off our cheeks
By the wind that slams into our faces.

Crouching, cowering, gritting our teeth,
A fruitless attempt to make ourselves smaller,
To dodge the never-ending stream
Of lead teeth that eat into our flesh.

Gripping the clammy fingers
Of our only hope,
Until they are pummelled into the floor,
And we leave them behind.

We live to impress,
We walk a tightrope every day.
God help you if you fall,
Because you are on your own.

They’ll only hold your hand
If there is something in it.
They don’t love you,
So just keep running.

Running, running,
Stretch out your fingers,
To the other side.
Because when you fail…

Well at least you can say
one part of you made it…
Right?