The thing I use to fight with
has turned against me,
and is winning the battle

The enemy—
my own mind
—is about to attack,
and I’m unable to act

And now all I’m left with
is scars that never seem
to be healing,
I never seem
to be healing

A handful of pills
in my palm,
their color is a sign
of truce, purity,
and surrender

And I surrender

So here is my shield,
my sword,
my soul,
I no longer want
to fight this battle

when the doctor tested my reflexes
he broke both of my knees
so now i walk at a crawl
and i struggle to start again

I pretend to laugh
Even when I want to cry
I pretend to live
Even when I want to die

I pretend that I'm in control
Even when I'm not
I pretend to move forward
Even when I know I've stopped

I pretend to believe there's hope
Even when I'm not so sure
I pretend that the medicine is helping
Even when I know there is no cure

I pretend that I'm getting better
Even when I know its not true
I pretend that isn't real
Even when I know that I do

All my years, I’ve been preparing to die,
and now they’re forcing me to stay alive
Claiming they can heal my wounded soul
by shocking my brain causing more trauma

How do you go back
from being buried?
How do you find peace
when you know what’s awaiting you?
How do you love
when your heart has stopped?
How do you remember
when you’ve lost your mind?
How do you cry
when you don’t have tears?
How do you overcome your past
if it’s still your present?
What do people do with their lives
if their whole being didn’t yearn for its doom?

How do I start?
Where do I begin?

This is the first day of my life
where I’m not suicidal, and
I don’t know what there is to do
when death was my only salvation

I don’t know this new version of me;
the one who doesn’t find it impossible
to stay for another day,
another endless night

I’m scared of shifting back;
I’m scared of being buried
by my own deadly psych,
I’m scared of dying again

Things are more lighter now
The elephant in the room is no
longer perched upon my chest,
and my wrists are no longer
bleeding, only the scars remain

What if I get hungry again, and can’t
find anything to feed on but my own blood?
What if I woke up in a casket again?

I can’t help but wonder
for how long is this going to last?
How long am I going to last?
I hope this lasts,
I hope I last

I can hope like others do!
I’m hoping again
which is a sign of life!

Am I deluding myself?
Am I better or worse?

I need someone to squeeze my hand
just so I know that this is real
It’s dangerous to get stuck in
a state where nothing feels real
No matter how deep
you went to draw blood,
you still don’t feel like you’re here

In my head I’ve already
killed myself, long ago,
and now my corpse is
somehow trying to breathe, again?

This goes against logic
This goes against my own head,
my head is going against
its own suicidal thoughts

Am I going to look back at this,
and not believe that one day
One day I felt alive enough to breathe,
and not wish I wasn't

When I close my eyes at night
I want to think of you
I want us to be happy
I want to dream of you
I want you in my arms
I want your kiss
I want to know you're there
I want to feel you near me
I want you to feel this way too

The dream wasn't for me
Like a window shopper
Peeking through the glass
Six feet away, desperately
Even if I reach out,
I'll never be able to touch
There's nothing I can do
Nothing will ever come true

The dream wasn't for me
When I dreamt it, I doubted it
And when I thought I'll have it
It slipped past me
Now I'm left with beers
Some broken hopes scattered
And worries and fears

The dream wasn't for me
I won't ever dream about it
Again and again it would come
Again and again I'll wake up
Some things are meant for others
But definitely not for me

I know you wish I was skinny
I can feel it in my bones
The girls you’ve touched were pretty
Trophies you could bring home

I’ll never be ****
Just cute for what I am
My hair is always messy
At least it matches what’s within

I crave to feel desired
I just want to drive you crazy
I know that you’re tired
But I need to be your baby

Love me, kiss me, sink your teeth into my skin
**** me, need me , show me where you’ve been


    Please don’t leave me alone in this bed

Another day, another night.
Life is the battle and I’m losing the fight.
The world keeps spinning but the color is gone.
29 years feels far too long.

I’m not who I wanted to be,
I don’t even know who I am.
I wake up feeling empty
And see a reflection I can’t stand.

I only have one purpose.
To care for my son.
I’m a mother at the surface,
But inside I’m undone.

The devils at my door
He’s been knocking for years.
The loneliness I abhor
Well, it never disappears.

“I’m doing good, how’s yourself?”
What really can I say?
I’m too scared to ask for help.
I don’t want to be this way.

“Someone please love me!!”
I scream in my mind.
I’m in pain and need saving.
I’m a failure by design.

“Life is what you make it”
They tell you when you’re young.
But love will leave you naked,
With a bitterness on your tongue.

Well the show must go on,
Check your baggage to the side.
It’s Easier said than donee ,
When you no longer feel alive.

There used to be butterflies
living inside my chest,

but they turned into bats
when it got dark

The bats fed on my blood,
and my chest was their cave

There used to be orchids
blooming,
flourishing,
above my ears and to my short hair

But now I am dead,
the weeping orchid bled

As it withered upon my grave,
and emitted the scent of death and I

Its decayed petals dropped,
like blood from cut veins

The corpse flower,
scentless bloom of death belongs