If I am to die, tell the world a lie on my last day.
Tell them I was gentle, good.
Tell the world that I cared, that I loved without conditions.
Tell the world that I always spoke my mind, that I was fair and kind.
Tell the world I believed in goodness, that I had hope for all the lost causes.
Tell the world I was bright, like a falling star that crashes down from the Heavens.

If I am to die, do not tell the world the truth about me.
Do not speak of my bitterness.
The hatred wrapped under my skin, that put me in an early grave.
Do not speak of the three am desperation when I wanted the world to end.
Do not speak of the broken hearts, broken bones, broken dreams.
Do not speak of all the blood spilled, time lost on stupid petty pointless things.
Do not speak of how I raged and raged and wore myself thin over people that never cared.

If I am to die at my own hand,
Tell the world that I was always hopeful.
Tell the world a lie, so I may be beautiful in death, even if I was not in life.
Tell the world that I will be missed, even if the world is so loud it will not notice one more quiet voice slip away.
Tell the world that someone loved me.
Do not tell the world that I died because the world did not care.

If I am to die, do not write the truth on my headstone, for it is such an ugly thing.

I can see your trying to be there but I need you closer so I can repair.
You don't believe me when I say you hurt me.
You want to help but then you want to flee
I'm nasty and bitter because of the pain
Have never felt so much distain
I'm confused as hell, should of listened to the warning bell
Knowing that I love you deep down
So why do we argue is it a communication breakdown
You frustrate me as I frustrate you
But somehow we stick together like glue

Kind hands learn to be calloused hands
under the thumb of others,
and around the fingers
of heathens mistaken for lovers.

I feel you next to me
I feel your body breath
But you a million miles away
You never talk to me
At least not about things that matter
We shared everything
Now we have sepperate dreams
And yours seem to not involve me
Anymore
We try to patch up this gap

But the close I get to you
The more I feel you
Falling away
But I don't wanna let you go
I want you to stay
Instead of falling away

Oh how I love Black, my favorite color.
It's my room color and white for the door.
Bits of greys for my windows and my floor.
Let's take it deep within what is stores.

Black and white, perfect combination.
It's what I wear, drawing people's attention.
But I don't care, this is my personality's representation.
Bullies don't give you just hate, they give reactions.

Let's go deeper, make this a whole.
My hindrances never end, just like a burning coal.
Give me a mirror, I only see my reflection of my soul.
Everything on my is broken, with a deteriorating goal.

he broke me, he repaired me, he changed me.
i would do anything for him. he seemed like a responsibility. i needed to be there for him, i needed to be his shoulder to cry on,i needed to laugh with him to make myself feel better.
he changed and i didn't.
he intoxicates my mind like a drug i have never taken before. he charms me with his sweet voice and music. he can't be my shoulder to cry on, he can't talk me out of my sadness, he can't cheer me up on my bad days.
Sometimes, a certain line will take me back to when we were happy. i bet he can't identify where it's coming from.
our conversations are bland now. with blue ticks by each message showing that both of us don't care anymore. one of us is burdened with the thoughts and memories of the other, one of us can't give a ****

why does his presence linger in my poems and stories?
why does he become a reason for me to write?
why does he make me question my emotional state?

I've got my heart on my hands.
Not on a sleeve because I want you to see it properly.

But lately its invisible to your eyes. 
It's just not there when to you.

Let me tell you how it is.
With each silence a crack opens up.
With each moment with you the crack opens up and turns into a hole.
Within that hope, my heart is spitting endless pain.
It's beat is slow and unsteady, but in the sense that it wants to stop.
Because it hurts.

With each blood that drips off my palms leads to tears forming.
My hands are shaking.
My mind is working overtime trying to reduce the pain.

But it hurts.
It hurts so much that I pray for numbness.

I don't think I understand where I went wrong?
I've been trying to figure it out.
And I'm not seeing it because it's been my motive to make you smile and happy but it feels like all these attempts are breaking me.