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LOVED?
I knew someone,
As far as I knew.
Knew him till none,
But my love was true.

He had humour, he was silly,
He was like me; he was just me.
We shared our joys, shared our sorrows,
We had our today, dreamt of tomorrows.

But then, I saw the lies,
They pierced my heart like knives.
I hated him more each day,
I wished he’d go away.

His presence haunted me,
His guilt engulfed me.
He needs to go, go far,
But he can’t leave,
I am him.

Standing on the edge,
Step on the ledge,
Leaned to the front,
Skipped to the front,
Falling from the sky,
Falling onto die.

As I fell down, I realised,
He is human, he can change,
Maybe he can heal himself,
Maybe I would love him, again.
But as I fell down, I realised,
All that gone now, all in vain
And we laid down, with no pain.
Why do I still miss you?
I miss the way you talked to me so sweet
Told me that I was so pretty,
The way I o            p            e            n            e            ­d my legs for you.

I knew it was wrong.
It felt so wrong.
But I was so lonely, and something in my ****** up mind said it was right.

And so, I came back.
And when I couldn't, I turned to others, tried to replicate that feeling.
And now I can't even do that.

I feel disgusting for what I did.
They say, I was only 10, I didn't know any better.
But I did. I know I did.
And I feel guilty for painting myself as the victim.
I mean, he didn't force me,
He didn't split me open.
He never even touched me.
He just turned me into a puppet
and
had me do it myself
with
a camera in front.
...

I still miss you,
No, crave for you.
For those words that
dripped sweet like
the slick between
                               thighs
my
                                                              ey­es
your
                                                         ­                                    ****.

Why do I still miss you?
Why do I still miss him?
Why do I feel disgusting for the actions of that disgusting man?
Unsaid 7d
I tell myself, Not now, but soon,
As hours slip by and day turns to moon,
Each task a shadow, a whisper, a weight,
Pushed to the future, left for fate.

The list grows longer, a towering spire,
Each undone deed fuels the fire,
A creeping pressure, a heavy chain,
The echoes of time call out my name.

One more scroll, I plead, I stall,
As unfinished work begins to sprawl,
The walls close in, the air turns tight,
Procrastination steals my fight.

I see the path I should have tread,
The steps unwalked, the words unsaid,
Yet here I sit, in stillness bound,
With every choice, I lose more ground.

The weight of delay becomes my cage,
A storm of regret, a quiet rage,
Trapped in a cycle, I fight to break free,
But the grip of avoidance clings to me.

Still, I rise with a trembling start,
A small rebellion, a beating heart,
One task, one step, one fleeting win,
A crack of light lets hope begin.

For though the mountain looms ahead,
And doubts still whisper in my head,
Each effort, no matter how slight or small,
Chips at the fortress, crumbles the wall.

Procrastination, you won’t define,
The rhythm, the purpose, the life that’s mine,
I’ll fight your hold, though the battle is long,
With steady resolve, I’ll grow strong.
Ember 7d
my heart is tucked away
under the floorboards
in the back of your brain.

out of sight,
out of mind.

because you couldn't look me in the eye.

but i still haunt you,
don't i?

do you hear me?
does the sound of me
remind you?
does the guilt follow you?

am I driving you insane?
do i make you want to scream?

are you going to confess your sin?

will you tell anyone of the crime
you know you committed?

is my heart beating loud enough
for you to peel back the floorboards once more,
and find the pieces of me,
torn apart by you?
inspired by "Telltale Heart"
egg hot pot Nov 21
my ol' hobby
smoking you in
harming my kin
takin the pill
going in all out for the ****

you're white and yellow
sore and mellow
you give out gray
you're my demise they say
make me gay

you make my lungs hurt
but smoking you in makes me feel like kurt
holding the guitar
smoking a cigarette
how smoking makes us feel
Ayesha Zaki Nov 19
I open my eyes, look up at the clock,
which now, unbeknownst to me,
ticks backwards.

I sigh, gazing at the window,
only to be met with the sun
setting like a stranger,
unwilling to share its grief
as it had done before,
with its awry, dark clouds
and tear-streaked face.

The flower pressed
between the pages of a book I once read,
now lay wilted.

It was, I reckon
too late to realize,
the stars that once graced the nights,
now were lifeless and forgotten.

Glancing down at my bloodstained hands,
and the hollow shell of a person
that once bore my name,
my piteous heart dripped
with forlorn anticipation.

It was then,
when I heard the whispered hums of a dirge,
the very disdain coating my guilt,
That I had once vowed to purge.

From the start,
it wasn’t the wilted flower,
or the lifeless stars,
that were dead--
it was me,
the person who I was before.
Would it really be a crime, if all I did was free myself from me?
You saved me and kept me, then denied me.

Spat on my grave while you whiled away, free from your guilt.

An egoistic, a gymnast of lies. Fireflies and your coffee-colored eyes.

My soft sobs echoed through the night as I was buried in the deepest quiet hollows of the earth, where no one could hold my hand and lift my body.

I can already taste the sweetness of the other side. God forbid me not to, but the only thing that replays in my head is the lips that made me religious. My beloved religion.

Seven minutes before my sapped breath, your face flashed a fond memory—a saccharine—yet draining facade of yours. Those minutes turned into long-showered hours; I pleaded with the grounds of the earth just to see those melancholic eyes that once captivated me.

If it’s meant to be, then it will be. Thereafter, the earth angered all the religions I once suffered—
you were my ill-fated haven.
I was just listening to this song and I wrote this piece according to what emotions I have felt while listening to it. Ethel Cain is known for her indie and gothic rock, she’s a really talented artist and her music is currently helping me sort out my pain and grief. :)

11/05/24

Song: Sun Bleached Flies - Ethel Cain
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