i've always loved writing. for a while i stopped.
last year i lost someone very important to me. it felt like my heart was getting ripped out over and over again.
after he passed away, i felt like writing was all i had left.
although most of the words i typed hurt,
it was an outlet. it saved me.
i remembered why i started writing in the first place and it was because of him,
everything was for him.
i go by moon on here because
this is all for him.
these words show progress and recovery and getting back up from being down,
this is for him.
my moon.

i miss your smile.
i miss how'd you understand me without me even saying a word.
i miss the way your eyes would turn into half moons when you laughed.
i miss that too,
your laughter.
i can't stop replaying that day in my head.
i keep trying to forget but i feel sadness being hung over me,
it's hard to pretend it's not there lately.
to this day,
and until the end of my days,
i'll always wonder what i could've done,
if i could've loved you more than i did,
if we all could've loved you more.
it's been a year since you've felt the grass in between your toes,
or threw your hands over your mouth to muffle your laughter,
or getting to see how things would've turned out differently.
i'm trying.
i've always dedicated everything to you but i hope i'm making you proud.
breathing is harder some days more than others.
i hope you can visit me in my dreams soon,
give my arms a squeeze,
tell me that you're okay up there.
don't forget to save me a seat next to you!
i promise i'll have so much to tell you when it's my time.
i hope you found your peace.
i love you dearly and i would do anything to see you again.
my moon,
my reason for breathing,
my everything.
i miss you.

Clock out, start my car and check my phone.
I look down, see a text "Hey, you doing okay bro?"
Confused and realizing I missed about 12 calls.
Didn't know what was going on, nothing was clear,
Incoming call from 'enter name here'.
I answered "Hey what's up?" and then I heard the tears.
"What's going on? What did I miss? Are you alright?"
'You didn't hear? She was driving and passed away last night.'
I dropped my phone on the floorboard and head hit the wheel.
Thinking to myself-****, this **** can't be real-
This 10 minute drive home felt like forever.
I turned on our song before I stopped to get liquor.
I didn't know what to do and I didn't have much to say,
So I just decided to drink my night away.
I remember calling my mom, it must have been 4am.
She started to cry and asked me, what happened?
I just kept apologizing for not being able to cry.
I tried and I tried but my tear ducts were dry.
I just had an overwhelming feeling of hollowness inside.
I know they say there is 5 stages of grieving,
But I just couldn't accept that forever you're leaving.
You had plans, goals and so many ambitions.
It all changed when you were taken by the ambulance.
Flashing lights and sirens never sounded more silent.
Ear piercing screams heard miles from the accident.
I remember when we wanted to move and start a life.
On our drive home you looked at me and said "Idaho feels right;
We can both work and I heard they have really good schools
Now can we stop somewhere so I can get some food?"
You were so funny and always could make me smile.
Sure, we fought and argued but that only lasted a little while.
Though we hadn't talked in just about a year,
I was still living my most awful of fears.
No matter what happened or time spent apart,
We'd always find our way back to each others heart.
So, though each year gets just a little bit harder,
I know that someday soon we'll get to see eachother.

I should've said something,
It could've ended badly,
It would've fixed this creeping feelings of anxiety,

I should've been assertive,
It could've been for better,
It would've stopped these thoughts I have,
That made me write this letter.

I should be sleeping right now,
I could be dreaming right now,
It would be best I close my eyes for good,
which is what I wish for right now.

Lion, Lion, Roaring loud
Wrapped his loved in shroud
With a crack in silence in the crowd
Hear the desperation he has vowed

Loss is stuck in perpetuation
Love gone, he suffers starvation
And it carries throughout all of creation
Come now, watch his imagination

Lion, Lion, crying despair
Listen and you will hear
The loved-ones voices he must bare
Listening with hope and begging in prayer

Sometimes I see her at the side of my bed;
Reading me a story;
Kissing me goodnight,
The lights go out
Sometimes her face is so clear
Like I saw her yesterday;
She is right there in front of me
I reach out to give her a hug
She ripples and fades
Like she
was never
there at all
Sometimes I hear her heart,
Beating like she's still here
When it stops, the pain starts all over
When she's gone, time stops;
When she returns, we bleed;
When she returns, we breathe;
When she returns
We are free

Sometimes I feel so sick to my stomach,
The little girl you thought didn’t understand what you were doing,
Wilting red roses on your wall that you hung for years,
Shimmering dark blue dresses in your closet,
Ones you danced in,
A stranger bought,
You said mommy sleeps separately,
He just a friend,
The liar who hides,
There’s a fraud in your phone,
When he left you,
You scummed to your hidden cave of things you couldn’t let go of,
Piles of trash, clothes and dishes
Unwashed hair,
A little girl plays alone in her room,
The sound of weeping from your abyss,  
But that didn’t stop you,
I’m nearly 2 decades older,
Yet I still have to keep mommies secrets...

A Friday night.
A slippery street.
A man, intoxicated.
Sitting in the driver's seat.

A family.
A man and his wife.
A young child.
Worthy of life.

A young adolescent.
A night with a loved one.
Never thought for a moment
It might be the last one.

A poor decision.
A light turned red.
A delayed reaction.
Head-on collision.

A first responder.
A face, bleach white.
A shirt stained red
They've lost their fight.

A stretcher in an ambulance.
A paramedic on the call.
A dreaded flat line.
They've tried and lost them all.

A police officer
On the phone, against the wall.
"Hello, this is the police.
I'm really sorry I have to make this call."

A funeral for a family
Every casket closed.
Everyone is asking why.
They never got to say goodbye.

A female kneeling at the grave
looking down with bloodshot eyes
"I love you and I want you back,
I hope you hear me from the sky"

That poor decision was a choice
You said it wasn't worth catching a ride
And you can't ever take it back now
These are families torn apart and dead inside