how do you solve a problem like
grieving?
i sat in a dark room for two and a half years
listening to old tapes of conversations with a dead person.
it was cold and unkind and thick with melancholy
and i couldn't find the door in the blackness
and i didn't call for help
and i didn't try to fight my way out.
it was horrible but it was comforting, somehow,
because i could tell there were other people trapped in other dark rooms with other unshakeable sorrows,
even if i was alone in mine.
and it was getting worse.
i should've been getting better,
adjusting to the lightlessness,
feeling around for the doorknob.
but i was sitting still
(and maybe going blind, too)
and here's the part of the story where everything gets better
...almost.
a ouija board grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards her
and it was the last thing i expected.
and a ghost
my ghost
spelled out his name and said hello
and i have never felt so at peace.
he said he missed me and that he was happy now
and my heart was floating in my body
and i was crying, as always,
but they were the happiest tears i've ever cried.
oh my GOD does it feel good to have your soul quieted
after two and a half years of unrest
and things you never got to say
and times you flaked on plans that you wish you'd kept
and laughs and hugs and
it wasn't all fun and games, when he was alive.
it was talking him down from panic attacks
and praying he wasn't hurting himself anymore
and faith that he would thrive
if he gave himself the chance.
it was the loss of innocence and the search for innocence
all wrapped up in the same two shared bodies.
we both tried our best.
and my heart cracked in a hundred places when he left
how do you solve a problem like a dead best friend?
i still don't know.
but a ghost by his name sent me love through a ouija board and told me to get my **** together,
just like i had told him when we were in the same world.
and it's almost three years
and i miss him just as much as i always have
but i think i can handle it now
at least a little better.
maybe next time i see him we'll be scarless and innocent again,
or maybe we'll be just as ****** up
but there's peace in knowing the reunion is coming,
no matter what form it takes.
.
.
.
for lucas, my heart. see you soon enough.

I wish I could wake up and see you standing in front of me.
I wish this nightmare could all be over.
I remember when I was small you would hold my hand, as I grew older you became my best friend.
I have 14 years of memories with you that I will treasure and keep in my heart.
We shared a bond that nothing could ever break.
My heart aches so much with you not being here, oh how I would love to hug you one last time.
Where there was once happiness, is now sadness.
Oh, how much I would love to hear your voice or even just see you smile one last time.
Until the day I see you again,
I will look up at the stars and search till I find you.
Love,
Amya

Excerpt from ‘The Wind on the Downs’
"That you are round about me, I believe;
And knowing you are happy; should I grieve?
And when I leave the meadow, almost wait,"
(Continued by Dani Massey)
For you to show up where I have placed the bait.
Love is keeping me here as long as the day,
Coming back until I have your say.
This is something I need to know,
Did you want to stay or want to go?
Give me all my prayers to read again,
So I can fix them in permanent pen.
Let me know so I can think of your face,
And not cry, but remember your grace.
Show me you can feel no more pain,
Show me that I am truly sane,
And that I am right about that place,
Because I know you can see His face.
The perfect peace you surely can feel,
I know that is part of the deal.
It will be a while for me, my turn I have to wait,
For the privilege to see the perfectly pearly gate.
When my name is called I know I am ready to go,
But your choice, I need to know!

He disappeared like the hazy sun over the vast horizon.
The mellow, delicate rays disguising the pain that his exit would bring.
A tragically beautiful departure.
The vivid oranges and warm yellows were now faded and weak,
Gradually diminishing,
Barely visible.
And that’s when he slipped away.
The blanket of darkness had displaced him.

She ends her evenings with a long gaze at the sunset as tears brim in her weary eyes.
A view that’s strangely melancholic.
Maybe it’s because the grand display provokes bittersweet nostalgia.
Memories of her beloved husband,
the golden sun amidst her darkness.
The soulmate that departed too soon.
And took her light with him.

Missing all the 2 AM chats
about All the Things,
the this and thats.
You were always awake too.
Ready to share,
ready to care.
Ready to tell a story or two.
You drank in kindness,
with every black cup.
To the world's darkness,
you had blindness,
always... looking up.
Grandma, how can it be,
that you WERE?
How can you be,
not here with me?
You miss us all,
I am sure.
We miss you too.
In all the little things we do,
all the times we show how to care.
All those times...
You are there.
Never again...
Cannot be real.
My heart cannot begin,
To accept that deal.
I will laugh and cry and love,
with you.
Either here,
or above.
Do not forsake me,
in my Pagan ways.
Light my path,
these earthly days.
For to live, and laugh, and toil, and love,
with your whole heart,
I have heard...
is what makes a good life.
A good wife.
A soul well lived and learned.
But just in case,
Can you put in a good word?
For I cannot bear
to exisit in a world,
With you never again there.

Dark nights, dark days, a broken heart stuck in bleak flurries of heat and muck
Grief pinches my throat, binds my wrists, pelts me with memories and what if's.
My eyes are glazed with blurry tears, my mind torn apart by deathly fears.
I cry and I cry and I cry

I miss the love you had for me
This isn't how things were supposed to be
If you were here, I wouldn't mourn
Would've saved me from being torn

I feel your presence like a faint hug
If only I felt a stronger tug
I miss you to no end
Oh how I wish time could bend

Your love for me cannot be matched
Now all I feel is a deep detach
I can't pretend you're coming back
Living with that is a skill I lack

I live everyday to make you proud
Even if you're not around
I search my mind to glimpse your face
Sometimes all I see is an empty space

They say that time heals all wounds
I doubt I'll feel better anytime soon
The void you left is far too wide
If only I could take it in my stride

You were the glue to this family
Now everything feels like insanity

I do everything I can to pull through
But I just can't seem to find another you

I can't stand how
you just sit by the window now.
Staring at the leaves in the trees.
         spring leaves, growing
                 summer leaves, glowing
                            fall leaves, blowing
t h e   l e a v e s

The same ones you saw back then
The FIRST thing you saw after hearing
Still unfairly alive when       no.

         Don't think about it
         Don't think about it
         Just don't think about it

I beg of you.

I sigh
and keep my eyes fixated on those leaves