she is not a thing, she is her and I am me. Shedding things and growing me she was discovered. She was not lost but she certainly was not found. twisting turning life through other people's eyes we see ourselves. she is not a thing or a drug, but I want her I need to be with her have her with me together we can be. be happy, be hopeful, be nothing but together, six it would be, but four mostly. turns and twists, off and on, up and down. when I don't see her or hear her my puzzle misses a piece, incomplete

She is the the reason that my sun comes up in the morning, the cause of many sunsets with colors abound, only seen in my minds eye. I know with everyday we are closer and she is dearer to my heart. no matter the space no matter the age she is my love, my life, my everything.

It is true that not all who wander are lost
But it is also true that
Not all who are lost want to be found

Or maybe I’m I just don’t think I deserve to be found
I feel to lost to be found
I am too far away from who you think I am
That if you knew
I would be a stranger to you

Blood strange to mine, I could get ready to stay dead
I would hate my father for ever having planted me
A tall bird hunched in cold weather
Wild out of the darkness, I knew that living was terrible
The reason for living was to get ready to stay dead
Fear was invented by someone who had never had the fear
Pride, who never had the pride
Love, he called it
My aloneness had been violated
Words are no good;
Just a shape to fill the lack;
Words don’t ever fit.

My brain is stuck in cruise
And sometimes I get lost
Lost on words and emotions
Stuck on what I should be feelin
Head poundin and medication low
My brain is stuck in cruise
Just goin with the flow
Maybe I am addicted
Or maybe this is withdraw
But baby I am stuck
Stuck on words to stay to you

If you were to ask me what I am looking for,
I think I'd only tell you what I've found
I found love in a bathtub I lived in
My body soaked in gin and glitter
He loved me like he'd love me more
If maybe I just wasn't me
So when he moved me out of my bathroom
Into a hardwood floor home
Changed my clothes and my hair
But not my habits
He decided it was my fault
For not being what he wanted to love
And not his fault for telling me he loved me
Instead of telling me that he might one day
And if I didnt try to leave him
He wouldn't have to lock the door from outside
And if I'd just remember to do the dishes
He wouldn't need to break them
And if I'd just say yes
He wouldn't have to make me.
I found love in a basement with a guitar
Hair pulled back in a ponytail
A pipe that never stopped burning white
Crystalline eyes and cheap wine
Slow dancing in the early hours
When we wouldn't wake up, but we'd get up
And that was enough to call it morning
Until I stopped turning our pipes
And he found veins he didn't know he had
Invited death into his bloodstream
And asked if he could share it with me
In a letter written in crayon
Sent to the rehab he'd begged me to go to
And was now begging me to leave
He tattooed me on his back
So he can pretend I didn't leave him
So I'll be a part of him when he leaves.
I found love in a room full of addicts
His head bent down making art out of sorrow
I wondered if he could make me beautiful
Like he did everything else
When he met my family they found love
In the lack of bruises he left
And in the way his nose was clean
And he slept at night
And we called that enough because at least it was more
But it was nothing at all when he left
While I did laundry and cleaned
Stared at a wall because nothing was beautiful
If he didn't make it so
And I remembered too late
That people like me love everything else
More than they love those who love them
I became the one counting minutes
Believing that tonight didn't mean in a few days
Believing it was my fault
For not already being beautiful
Or maybe for loving someone at all
So if you are asking me what I am looking for
I'd say that looking got me lost
And do you please have a map