It seems like
centuries worth of
prayers still
cannot thaw
this metal heart.

Forgive me

If I ask for more than what I can give

If I scream when I must be silent

If I run away when you need me most

Forgive me

When I say, "I don't love you anymore".

They are words that I've never felt and that are now turned against me

Forgive me

If my hands have ever hurt you

If I spent one day away from you...

In someone else's arms, body, and skin

Forgive me

If I'm not who you deserve

If I'm not worth the pain you've paid time and time again

Forgive me

And don't look for a reason or a "why"

You can blame it all on me

Forgive me

If there is one thing I want from this life, it's you

Forgive me...

it was beautiful.
The way you made me feel.
Flowers bloomed amongst me,
Happiness flourished as did we.
The sunshine and the breezes that enveloped me came to mean so much more.
I was home in your presence.
I was where I'd always hoped I'd be.

But the Crack of thunder startled me and in that moment, I awoke.
Your eyes were filled with fear as lightning filled them and you became overwhelmed with the decision of whether to fight or flee.
I paused.
I stared at you, searching your eyes for comfort.
Tears rumbled. Rain enveloped us, even though we were sitting beneath shelter.
It pierced my face as my thoughts grew louder.
-what was he going to do?  should I persuade him to stay or let him make up his own mind?-
I was naïve.
I allowed you to make your own decision.
Lightning struck.
I was blinded and before I could recover from the flash, you were gone.
I waded in the pools of water that flooded me.
I found not a single life jacket.
I'd been left there to drown and drown I did.
But somehow, somewhere inbetween the suffocating and wheezing,
A boat arrived and took me back to shore.
I swallowed air like a newborn baby.
An island was what I'd landed upon, one on which I'd be stranded for months.
In those months I'd found a peace within myself.
I told myself I didn't need a savior.
I didn't even need you.
9 months passed and flowers were blooming once more.
I guess that's when you'd decided it'd be the perfect time to "rescue" me.
You arrived onto my island of peace and you stirred it up.
You told me you'd bring me home.
I wanted you so bad, but I wanted to go home even more.
You were home, though.
"Stay with me," I cried, "Please."
"I will. I won't leave. You're all I want."
I took to heart everything you'd said.
Weeks went by as the fleshes of our skin grew to know each other well.
Your kisses melted me and I knew that you were all I'd ever wanted.
I found myself within you and I couldn't bear to part from it.
I needed you.
You knew that.
You cried yourself to sleep over it countless times.
The whimperings were more prevalent than your actual cries.
You didn't want me to hear you, you didn't want to lose me. But you were confused.
I woke up one morning, turned over, and stuck my hand out, ready for you to grasp it like you loved to do.
All I felt was the emptiness in my heart because when I opened my eyes, you were gone.  
     Again.
        Again.
My trust met its demise.
   My eyes met tears yet again as the skies darkened and thunder roared.
I ran to the shore, hoping to catch you fleeing, but you were already so far gone that I couldn't see anything left of you.
The waves were pounding onto the beach, so I ran for shelter.
The home you'd built with me to suit us was demolished by the heavy winds, so I was homeless once more.
9 months passed again quite quickly and so did my love for you.
I felt free.
I ran around my island basked in such a great amount of joy. I was unstoppable.
"Hi," I heard someone yell.
I turned mid-twirl and my eyes laid upon a boy with stunning blue eyes and a tall, lanky body.
He approached me shyly.
"Hi," I replied, my lips tugging into a dimpled smile.
That's all it took for me to feel "in love" again.
We were hooked on each other within moments.
He took me home, a real home. I was safe again.
But it wasn't the same. After a few months of constant worrying and nights of sobbing, I pushed him away.
"You're all I want," he'd cry.
I didn't believe it.
I needed myself. I didn't want anyone.
The End of may soon arrived and so did you.
My home.
I wasn't too sure about getting involved, but I needed to see if the third time would be our charm.
We tried again.
It wasn't the same.
I couldn't trust.
You hated yourself for it
and I hated myself for it.
I longed for you so much that I was beyond control of my actions.
I said crazy things and I dreamed crazy dreams.
I cried myself to a river each night for a week.
And so that's when I denied myself another storm and denied you a home.

He passed in double yellow
Like he was heading to a fire
Really nothing to you
Yet it provoked your righteous ire

Would it make a difference
If you felt the fiery flames
Watched a simple man's dreams
Consumed in a flippant blaze

Would it make a difference
If you saw his baby trapped inside
Or counted the tormentous days
'til his agony would subside

That waitress was a little rude
Like she wasn't really there
She just found her husband cheating
And she's aware that no one cares

Her heart is shattered inside
But she tries to paint on a smile
The darkness is overcoming
Her future bleak and vile

Could it make a difference
To someone lonely, hurt, and lost
If we measured our words and actions
And we stopped to count the cost

After our separation
All I have is remembrance
The sound of your voice
In my memories telling me
If we break up I'll fly to heaven
To find you I'm ready
To leave the earth
The razor kissed my veins
My blood flow
My soul fly
My heart stops
In the far-faraway
Sounds of yells screaming my name
they're sorry and dissolve into tears
& here you are

whispering in my ear :
*I'm still here , I never going to fly to heaven without you , come back to me , we don't care about your parents anymore , don't let me all alone in this earth , please I forgive you for your mistake

English Tranliteration - Pratishod Ek Mithya Hain

Ghisi peeti baate hain ab, tum naa uljho ateet mein,
Tyaag dwesh gar maaf karo, badle shatru bhi meet mein...

Sugalte badle ki chingaari ko, nahi lagti der badalte aag mein,
Barsaao kshama ka paani us par, katutaa badle prembaag mein...

Sabhi jeev hain mitra tumhare, fir bair bhav ka kya prayojan,
Waqt rehte thook do gussa, behtar hain apna lo sanyam...

Pratishod ek mithya hain, mat uljho iske jaal mein,
Saajisho aur yojaanaao mein, aur badle ki chaal mein...

Krodh ke angaare oor mein rakh, khud hi ko jalaa baithoge...
Man ki chinta chittaa samaan, yeh baat puraani bhulaa baithoge...

Der nahi huyi hain ab tak, maafi ki ehmiyat jaan lo,
Thoda maaf tum kar do ab, aur thodi tum bhi maang lo...

- - - - -

English Translation - Vengeance Is An Illusion

Begone and ancient thing it is, you don't get indulged in the past,
By abandoning hatred, if you forgive (someone) , then even an enemy gets transformed into a friend.

It doesn't take much time for a burning vengeance of cinder to change into fire,
Pour the water of forgiveness onto it, and even bitterness will change into garden of love.

All the beings are friends of yours, then what is the use of aversion?
In time, spit away your anger, and it's better to adopt temperance (sobriety/control) .

Vengeance is an illusion, don't get entwined in its trap,
In its conspiracies & plans, as well as in its schemes.

By keeping the burning coals of anger in heart, you will burn yourself alone,
Mind's worry is like a crematory pyre: you'll forget this ancient wisdom.

It's not too late still; know the significance of forgiveness,
You should now forgive a little and you should also ask for it a little...

- - - - -

Original Poem - प्रतिशोद इक मिथ्या है*

घिसी पीटी बातें हैं अब, तुम ना उलझो अतीत में।
त्याग द्वेष गर माफ़ करो, बदले शत्रु भी मीत में।।

सुलगते बदले की चिंगारी को, नहीं लगती देर बदलते आग मे।
बरसाओ क्षमा का पानी उस पर, कटुता बदले प्रेमबाग मे।।

सभी जीव हैं मित्र तुम्हारे, फिर बैरभाव का क्या प्रयोजन।
वक़्त रहते थूक दो गुस्सा, बेहतर है अपना लो संयम।।

प्रतिशोद इक मिथ्या है, मत उलझो इसके जाल में।
साजिशों और योजनाओं में, और बदले की चाल में।।

क्रोध के अँगारें रख उर में, खुद ही को जला बैठोगे।
मन की चिन्ता चित्ता समान, यह बात पुरानी भुला बैठोगे।।

© Poem by *Manas Madrecha

Forgive me my envy
of your amazing lives--
you who have children
you who have husbands
or you who have wives--
I left a life of torture and pain
so long ago, you see--
and now all I have left
is living alone --
yep, just me.

So, forgive me my envy
of your amazing lives
for I know that what I lived
was not right or good
even though I tried--
I saw I could not survive
the pain and anguish
heaped on top of me
I had to run, to leave
the intense torture, you see...

but still I envy those
who have loves and lives to share
who know that they come home
to someone who will
truly love and care
and perhaps in time
I'll have that one day too--
but for now, please...
forgive me for having
such envy of those like you...