Her ******* arose and fell with mine
Dare the foolish lip divine?

Too rapt by Time's celestial wicks,
Spend the days along the homesick.

Young flowers with their own lesson given,
The world's day and love are riven.

Without the beam, from our dreaming,
Bright as the need of a star.

Rich in the red, unto the dew,
Too fair, so shy, too new!

Death calls to me.

I kneel before her at full length—
Beside my lyre she would now dwell,
She was my smiling and my Soul!
Laid her on my golden door—
Beside my heart, she was my bride.
Laid her on my throne in sky—
An angel throng! with her bright eyes.



Death kissed my lips.

And when my deep blush went in gold,
I reached the end of her bright eyes—
She was my own sweet dream!
Shed all around me in a winter night,
Laid her wide head on my gold light.
Thus on that eve, as on that night
Held her white breast with its love light,
Kind solace to her burning sight!

**** me now,
I'll put myself to a grave.
The coffin gives the whole of me.
The moment, but no power can ever save!

Let me die.
Sit in these gardens with your dark eyes!
Silent the matter lies;
Keep a wanderer out in sky.

I won't return.
Find no escape in me.
Slow down the wilderness I see,
That crowd around thy home and be!

When we were younger, we
would meet every chance
we had. Each meeting
another break
from school and chores and
growing up.

Now, we are older. And
meeting you feels like
an assignment, a chore,
a side effect of growing up. It's a
band-aid hiding how nowadays,
we are never not apart.

///

Each headline
is harder to swallow. Each text
another punch in the gut. Each day
another attempt to save
what was mine by pushing it
away. Each decision
another crumpling of an
empty page. I only hope
when the creases are smoothed
there will be something left to
write on.

///

Man's best friend lives
10 to 20 years, and why not more?
Why can't furry tails wag
forever, if only because
I want them to.
Heavenly Father, if Methuselah had
1000 years, why not my best friend 30?
Why not, why not, why not? Why not
let his damp snout and curious eyes
see just another day?

Somone
some day
might love me;
might gaze beyond
the terror
and doubt;
the walls that stand
like angels and gods,
shielding me from
all the Bad Things of Before.

Someone
might say I'm enough,
and make excuses for the pain
I inflict--
for the icy,
blood-soaked
blade
I brandish so easily.
The thousand cuts
that lead them
to their ends.

Someone might open my chest,
see the rose-colored
soul
that shivers there:
the terrified child crouching in shadow,
and long to comfort
and give her
a home.
To shower her
with recognition
and acceptance.
To promise peace
and eternity
and the weight of gold
in an undeviating
kiss.

But for now,
I know only memories.
Only the cold,
dawning
glow
of regret.
The sting of curiosity
behind a cracked
and dust-sopped
window.
The horror
and tragedy
in Truths I cannot challenge.

Never really been sober minded
Seeking life- might never find it
Lying on a plateau
Pretend it’s a mountain I climbed.

Did it all start with divorce?
Did it start with my mah?
Or when the kid molested me in the back seat of a car?
For any light in my life I caught fireflies
But someone opened and let them all out of the jar.

I can’t lie and I can’t hide
I got called out on the pathetic way I lived my life.
womanizing just pain hiding
If any of you read this- I’m sorry I’m trying.
You don’t have to forgive
I don’t expect any of it at all.
Just know that now when I look at my wife and my baby I hold nothing but hate for the person I was and just know I hate myself in my heart.

I always claimed to be Christian
I always claimed to love God.
I know I Spit in His face with my actions I don’t know how He forgive me at all.

Nearly stopped my heart a couple times
Till friends I couldn’t love stopped by
I didn’t appreciate their hearts, didn’t appreciate they love me
So I lashed out and attacked them all
And I pushed and I pushed till they shoved me.

Honestly I’m really scared
To brutally, honestly tell you the truth
I’m terrified I’ll hurt my bride and my children like I did all if you.

Wether it’s getting high off Percocet
Or **** and lying on the Internet,
Wether it’s puking in toilets from too much to drink
Or getting so I can’t see and/or speak

I’ve seen her crying real tears
So I’ve had to start to face my fears.

My mommy problems and abandonment Issues
Are no reason to treat her like this.

Hi, my name is Blair and I am an addict
Just so you all now, I’m no longer at it.
I can understand why you hate me so much
And I know why you say nothing but negative things, I know why you just can’t get passed it.

I know why still years after
You’re writing emails to my pastor
And saying all of these horrible things not believing I can change and that’s facts.

I try every day to not hate myself
Because I know that’s not how God sees me.
I know I am nothing but a pervert and drunk
Till cried for my savior to save me.

I know you don’t believe it.
I know you hate me it’s no secret.
And I admit to being the monster you think I am years ago
I promise I’m no longer in that pit.

I admit that I punished myself
I admit that I was living like hell.
I admit I was selfish and deserved to be kicked out of Homestead for not thinking of anyone else.

Those were the best friends i ever knew
They were honest, and open and loving and true.
And I’m mad at myself for pushing away
To the point they don’t even know my child’s  name.

Some of you got your payback
To the point we’re still being harassed
People are making fake Grindr accounts
Assuming  it’s me without me being asked.

I’ve made mistakes and that’s and understatement
I can’t take it back- I’ll never change it.
Please accept my sincerest apologies
And let’s just go back to being decent.

To the women I’ve burned
I’m sorry,
To my brothers,
I’m sorry
To everyone who thinks that I’ll never change
I’m sorry and I’m trying.