Who am I?
Why am I here?
How do I grow?
Where do the words that I utter spring from?
How do my actions unfold to take flight?
What are the roots of my habits both desired and not desired?
When did my character become undesirably ripe?
As defined by Another?

Piously pompous extruding expectations
We both wagged the tail of judgment from our respective roles.
Each casting the wands of incantations, illusions, and lies!
One to change the controlling illusion
Another to maintain it's web and power.

It was handed down from the very first mothers
It was handed down from the very first fathers
It was set into motion from the very first breath of the very first lie.
It created the very first shadow of darkness that fell upon Truth.

Tainted, "It" fell from realms of Light, the realms of Love and Joy.
"It" tumbled and rolled down the family Tree
Branch by branch, twig by twig, and leaf by leaf
Deeper into the darkness, grief, sadness and pain.

We were taught to ignore the dragon of dysfunction
Lying among the branches of our human family tree.
As "It" grew and grew, and grew.
"It" matured and gave birth to expanding prodigies
Who fained deeds of compassion, fained loyalties,
Fained emotions, and fained love

To twist and to alter reality,
Aimed toward total power,  riches, and total control.
Using the swords of Expectations,
Judgments, half truths and lies, they waged war!
With their army of
Every wolf in sheep's clothing
Every entitled the fair-haired child
Every hero - rescuer
Every "I am the victim"
Every fearful guilt burdened peacemaker,
Every misunderstood black sheep,
And all the unaware lost lambs.
The cycle of dysfunction turns
As a companion within the wheel of time.
We are told to never speak of It and deny It's existence.
This is the power that feeds It as It expands.
And we find ourselves beyond the ability to contain "It."

One day our eyes open to awareness
We come face-to-face with "The Choice."
Do we go back to sleep? Or do we get up?
And if we stand up, what is next?
When we see our unveiled past, will we fear and hide?
Or arise as a seeking warrior of Light?
If we choose the Light will Love begin to arise from the darkness
Will Love transform "It" to find It's-self Immortal & Eternal?

Give me understanding of Love!! With Understanding I will seek!!
Standing between the windows of time past, present, and future
With the root of addictive desire, laid upon the alter
Banished! Gone!! Released!!

Will the Darkness  release "It" from the depths of grief, sadness and pain?
Without a word "It" became a He
And He draped the blanket of courage over His shoulders
with the Light of hope in His eyes.
Refusing to never give up
He dawned His Innate strengths
Refusing dire circumstances
Letting go of confusion, ignorance, vises, grief, blame, and all ill desire
He stepped straight and firmly into the Light which expands!
He stood with joy in the Light and looked back

As "It" became a She
And She draped the blanket of courage over Her shoulders
with the Light of hope in Her eyes
Refusing to never give up
She dawned Her Innate strengths
Refusing dire circumstances
Letting go of confusion, ignorance, vise, grief, blame, and all ill desire
She stepped straight and firmly into the Light which expands!

The Light embraced Her and embraced Him
They stood together seeking understanding
Their hearts opened
Each to sing their own song of joy, of love, of peace
Together in harmony
Dancing  in the Light as One.

So with courage, do my actions unfold to take flight!
With joyful Love the words uttered within my heart sprang!
How, I do grow!
I am fully here, awake!
I know who am I, really!
Because  in silence I sat upon the earth
As He sat upon the Earth
As She sat upon the Earth
Looking toward the heavens
She female and He male
Focused in silence, they taught me how to breathe.

Now throughout the generations of Time
We began to breathe as One
Together in Love, in Peace and in Unity.
Reaching and holding each other
Beyond and through the Wheel of Time.

You’re undecided whether you like me better blonde or brunette
it doesn’t matter as my hair is dying and coming loose.
I’ve abided to the unspoken terms of complete regret,
I made my bed, I’ll lie in it, tucked in tight as a noose.
Lifeless eyes that are overwhelmed with saggy lids,
so very tired but they’re still searching for a spark.
Feeling unwanted and rejected but still accepting bids,
but I belong on the sidelines and kept in the dark.

We can talk to each other about anything and everything
as long as it’s spoken in non corresponding code.
I’m at a dinner party fasting with nothing to bring,
at the wrong house on the wrong road.
You’re trapped in the maze that is my mind,
and that place may just become your home.
I’d direct you out if there was an exit I could find,
but even breaking down the perimeter reveals a dome.

Won’t you please be kind,
and please rewind.
Travel back and find,
the roots where we bind.
Stained from tear streaked flushed cheeks
and shredding through each line,
months became years but first days became weeks
and I still reply “I’m fine.”
It gets weaker every time.

She said “if your scared of ghosts then you’ll hate falling in love.”
It’s like an empty house and you’re the host
but there’s noises coming from above.
Every single door is closed
no matter how persistent you knock,
and you’re left feeling like you’ve imposed
on the person who convinced you to walk.

You can keep repeating it,
until you start believing it,
but my dear, we both know the real deal.
And I’ve been retreating in,
pouring out and bleeding in,
I’m already dead but when will I keel?

Won’t you please be kind,
and please rewind.
Travel back and find,
I’m half deaf but fully blind.
My home’s become the floorboard that creeks,
and my heart’s a vacant gold mine,
months became years but first days became weeks
and I still reply “I’m fine.”
It gets weaker every time.

A star never falls the same twice
and each week the moon has a new face,
I’ve been treading carefully but still slipping on ice,
I thought it was the tortoise that won the race?
And now my heart is booming
and beating straight out of my chest,
cardiac arrest is looming,
it’s been too long since it’s had a rest.

In all my over thinking I’ve never had a wishful thought,
this will be the last time I’ll wait around to see.
In all my over thinking I’ve never been satisfied with what I’ve got,
this will be the last time you can explain it all to me.

So my teeth grind, please be kind and rewind.
Maybe I was blind, please be kind and rewind.
Yes I’ve lost mind, please be kind and rewind.
Made beds to which we’re bind, please be kind and rewind.

I am difficult most days
I'm guessing because I'm a mess
Eats me up to know I'm damaging
People close get hurt and I am distressed

I cannot take their advice
Or tell the truth so instead
I silently float in a pool of omission
At the bottom scribbled words unsaid

Desperately trying to hide and deny
Dysfunction under a thin cloak of happiness
Like fireflies in the cool evening wind
Each smile fizzles out giving way to darkness

why do i crumble
fall into pieces of
oats and sugar
something beautiful
in a white bowl, but
a mess on the floor
when i wake up
in an empty house
why do i wither like
brown leaves
under brand new and
borrowed boots atop
autumn sidewalks
when i’m alone,
i’m alone,
i’m alone
it is not enough
to eat breakfast
however small
to wash my hair with
coconut milk
to not step out into
the busy street;
i freeze before the ice
touches me
i do not allow
the chance to warm
my own hands
i lie down, on
***** sheets,
and wait for someone
anyone
anything
to awaken me

he looks at me
carnal grin in place
with essence of small death
smeared across his face

but these wild nights
existing only in my mind's eye
were nothing more
than the ephemeral kind

vanishing when i wake
these wild dreams and created nights
leave nothing but an ache
in the space left by his flight