The story I thought I wrote
The story I thought was made was the story that never began
I became the person who forgot how to love
Because all the love was taken
Yet I still have a story to tell
But I can’t speak it
I can’t write it
I just can’t give you my story

Why did you have to do that, Melany?
Why did you have to tell your mother what you saw?
Why couldn't you just be a good daughter and just keep your mouth shut?

Everything I ever taught you has been replaced,
By a world with a so-called-moral base,
That you and I both know, will only end in disgrace.

This is all your fault, Melany.
If only you had understood that I was devastated,
and that I felt obligated,
Maybe you wouldn't be so isolated.

Why did you tell her I didn't deserve her,
Why did you see what I did as ****** up,
Why did you describe the way I touched her made her tremble more than
your mother ever did after getting beaten up.

Why did you try to stop me when I hit her, Melany?
You have to understand that when a slave is doing anything but their job,
you punish them until they say nothing but "yes, sir".

When something that belongs to you is not working properly,
you bang it against a table until it starts working again.

Your mother deserved it, Melany.
She deserved it for searching through my clothes instead of playing her role.
For crying for no reason, whenever I got home drunk.
She deserved it for begging me to stop when I had done nothing wrong.

Your grandfather has always taught us this and I don't understand
why you don't seem to understand.

How many times do I have to tell you, Melany?
Why don't you get anything, Melany?
You have to focus on school.
You have to focus on school because if you don't
you'll end up as a slave and you are nobody's slave.
You have a future and you have goals that you have to accomplish,
so why aren't you learning from me like you learn from school?

You know your trig but not my trick,
The one I try so hard to carve into your brain so you'll never forget.
You can do the math, but you don't seem to catch,
That what I'm trying to teach you will forever last.

I am your father, Melany.
I made you.
You exist because of me.
Remember that.
Pay attention when I talk to you.
Listen to me.
"Why won't you listen to me?"

You ask me the same question but it is only because you don't speak.
Your headphones are always plugged in,
and your personal life is hidden within,
You look at me as if I were a sin
And  avoid the conversations whose scripts are too thin

You can't let people hurt you Melany.
Don't let these boys hurt you.
Don't let them touch, look, or love you.
I love you and that should be enough.
Is that not enough?
Is my love not good enough for  you?

I love and miss you,
and I try so hard to teach you.
You have to lie when you need to, Melany.
Don't tell me that it's wrong.
You need to defend yourself no matter the cost,
you have to do it with no fear for loss.
You have to realize this world is cruel,
and the only way to succeed is to live by MY rules.

You need to obey, Melany.
You have to listen to me, Melany.
You have to be by my side, Melany.

I did this for you.
I did this for your teacher.
Your teacher needed love, Melany.
She needed love like you needed an ice cream on that hot summer day,
and I just happened to be cold enough for her.

You don't understand
You don't understand what I do for you.
You don't understand what I try to teach you
Why is it that you seem to understand poetry and calculus just fine,
but refuse to take notes on my view on life.

I loved your mother, Melany.
I loved your mother as much as I loved your teacher,
I loved your teacher as much as I'll love the next,
I love them all how I've been taught to love.

And

I love you, Melany, as much as I've ever loved anyone in my life,
You understand?

stuck in the middle
where nothing is bad
but nothing is good
it's sad how drab it is
but at the same time
it's steady

reliable
consistent
in the worst ways possible
when you're in the middle you don't get any pity
lost in a city sea of other people
no one knows your name
and no one will care to learn it
every day the same
sometimes all that I want is to
burn it

there's an ocean of fire in my eyes
in my mind
another sky but hazy smoky
lazy low key
another day at home

another day of arguments
another day of tears
year after year of anger and hate
they say
it's hard for those whose parents split
but wouldn't I rather that than parents hit
though they only hit with words
arguably worse

since they have enough to put food in my mouth and clothes on my back
no social worker will ring the bell
since my bruises are not visual
invisible wounds are visceral
infliction controversial contradiction
extinction of hope

It's early summer
All the individually potted trees are lined in rows
and ready for sale.
How nice would it be to take one home,
It could be so beautiful.
Sowed in the corner of the yard.
Picture perfect.
You buy the tree.
Just a tiny twig now.
Frail and vulnerable.
On the way home all you can think of
is how beautiful
and how big
and how impressive your tree will be.
The neighbors will admire from windows,
Maybe even acquire a tree of their own.

You plant and water your tree
Enthused for the remainder of summer.
But then, the seasons change.
A long fall, winter and spring
come and finally go.

The next summer you've moved on
from your coveted tree.
Now the work is a chore.

Years pass by and you no longer water the tree.
You no longer trim the branches.
You no longer admire its beauty.

Your tiny tree now touches the sky.
Pushes up against the house.
The roots are disrupting the grass,
creating bulges and bumps
that were never there before.

Cursing the tree,
you decide to cut it down.

Next summer you realize,
you no longer hear the birds singing,
rejoicing for another day to fly.
Your cool, shaded outside relief, gone.

The fall come back and you notice
the absence of crunching leaves.
The way they changed colors so beautifully.
The feeling it would bring.

With sadness in your heart,
You realize what you've done.

She climbed in bed. Her luscious curves against my naked back
Naked. Curves. She was cold but hugged me tight
I pushed her away
I pushed her.
Away.
Now she is away
Her curves tight against someone else's back
Someone else's naked back
Her. Someone else.
Pain. No. No. She is mine.
MINE. MY GIRL. MY FUTURE WIFE
She is not mine. Not anymore she is not mine.

She bought me belts. Handmade Chelseas. Paisley pocket squares.
She did my tie in the morning and kissed me goodbye.
She did my tie. She leant in and did it.
Half Windsor. Blue Paisley. Cheap suit.
She tiptoed and concentrated.
Then she kissed me.
She kissed me.
Me.
But I pied her off as I was rushing.
Rushing to work. Somewhere.
Nowhere.
Nowhere to rush. Nowhere to hide.
Now she leans in every morning.
And does someone else's tie. Full windsor.
Cause he doesn't rush. He waits for her.
She does his tie.
The way she did mine

She wears a ring. Tiny diamond. On her left hand
Ring finger. Platinum band.
She used to smile and say "I am his wife".
Wife.
She was my wife.
She still smiles.
She says "I am his wife."
But he isn't me. And the diamond.
The diamond five times the size of mine.
She doesn't smile and say she is mine anymore.
She is not mine anymore.

You never were here.

After you cut the cake,
was our fate sealed?

Did it hurt when you,
realized…

What was your thought,
one second before?

Did you ever really,
laugh?

Why did it take,
so long?

How did you look,
at him?

Who are you?

Who am I?

We left it empty…

It's gone.

Our dream.

What was I thinking wasting my time with you
I can’t wait to shed my skin
I can’t wait to give to it to the wind
You ****** my soul and left me thin
I can’t wait to shed my skin
What was I thinking letting you in
You took my heart and left my head to spin
I can’t wait to shed my skin
Seventeen years wasted, gone like the wind
Just like a scorpion it hurts, when you sting
I can’t wait to shed my skin
No more tears I won’t give in
You’re a Narcissist, I won’t let u win
I just can’t wait to shed my skin
Filled with feelings of misgiving
I won't fall for your gas-lighting
God please help me to shed me skin
I Pray, I Pray for a new beginning