Dreading every ******* day
Hoping for the best

Waking up every morning knowing I'm already dead
Letting the pain leave my chest

Covering my scars, hiding this massive hole in my heart
Taking a deep breathe, baby steps

Lighting up a cigarette, told myself I'd quit last week
Staring myself in the mirror, telling myself I'll be brilliant

Crying in the car, rambling on about some awful **** that I did
Starting the conversation, never letting my mind wander

Walking through the halls, dwelling on the past, dwelling on how bad the future will be
Sitting at this desk, knowing I am intelligent, letting myself be brave

Hiding in the bathroom, I am never enough
Talking to myself, I've come this far

Drinking myself to death, glass half empty
Putting down the bottle, knowing the answers don't lie at the bottom

Taking my demons to bed, letting the things he told me burry themselves in my skin
Laying down, accepting what the day has brought

I hate this world
of noise
and greed
That grows
much smaller with
each day.
Terror
Is the dawn
Of light,
Solitude serves
To shape the clay.
I fight
Though there is
Nothing left,
Struggle yields to
Slow decay.
Remember me
As darkness blooms
Know
My heart has
gone away.

There's lightning outside, while on the inside I dream of the ways you can light me up.
My thoughts keep drifting to your silent smirk, the sure sign of a winner.
I seem to have stumbled my way into your headlights.
I had no intention of losing until you came into focus, until you owned the game.
My ego keeps slipping through my fingers, an indication of lost time.
My bare feet long to dance on cold ceramic tiles, to breathe in endless plastic roses.
You see my luck seems to always slip away from me.
One was the father of a child, forever bound to his little girl.
The second was bound to another, as if they were only meant for each other.
The third was my pitfal, he was all is fair in love and war until someone's heart was ripped apart.
Now I have nothing to lose, because he is a lone howler and his heart only loves the open road.
I realize that eventually none of it really matters as long as I can feel the pressure from your fingers.
All I need is to admit defeat, God had dealt me a losing hand.
Now I stay up late chain-smoking, and hoping for some solution.
My heart beats on a path my mind can't control and my feet have become tangled in these threads

Another war ensues
deep within my chest.
The past has made me stronger now, yet I feel
until I’m dragged down to the blazing flames of defeat, again
it won’t rest.

I keep fighting,
with all my skills from the past
But the war yet continues
with the fervent desire to last

This war doesn't **** you,
you either win or face defeat,
although winning it is quite a feat!
Whatever the outcome,
I’ll be proud of myself that I fought
But the darkness will only grow
If once again I lost.

And I looked at her then,
So many years after

I saw her

Smile for the first time
And long after
I swore to her endless
Days of pure love

Ghostlike I felt then
Observing her figure,
Or maybe it was a shadow.
Defeated I walked to her,
Breathing heavily,
Yearning for the past,
Even then I loved her so,

Days like this seem far too common now..... when the tears show up uninvited to my party's where I masquerade as content...
I can say I used to own someone's love... now I can barely afford to rent...
The days where the only strange comfort are broken words on tattered sheets....
About the world I once remember. ...  before it was pulled out  from under my feet....
Smoky interiors cloud the clear vision of outside happiness.... empty bottles and half empty cups now only melted ice....
I swallow the drugs like painkillers while it feels my hearts getting squeezed by depressions rusty vice...
Your expectations Weigh down the hope of ever being up once more......
 So before I can hang up my phone I'm off to *******  score......
What happens when you can't pretend the day is gonna end in any other way than a hundred days before...
When your mind tells you it ok to drink too much take another line.... You won't do any more.....
Lost intentions become untamed inhibitions and depression turns to anger....
You become confused about why you end up this way, was it sadness about something or are you ******* at a loved one or a complete stranger......
Either way you go home to a castle where the only damage on its walls were caused by its king.....
And the place I try to remember now doesn't cause me to be happy like it used to bring...
Believe me when I say that all this isn't because of you.... I am not worthy of placing blame on anyone but the enemy in the mirror...
I let the cracks in it grow so I don't have to see myself clearer....
But if I am really the cause of all this pain than watch me **** myself with the poison I ingest....
Because while you can't let me leave and this is the only thing I know... For all of you I only wish the best......

I stray away from love
Cuz i fall faster than the leaves in Autumn
        The after math will hurt us both
                Cuz with love comes stress
                And with stress comes pain
            And "Pain demands to be felt"
        And enough pain can cause death
                 In this 2 player game
               Love will defeat us both
                 So i rather not play

I now lay defeated.
Torn from the very thing
I worked endlessly to achieve.
And all that remains
is me.
Emptied of all sensation, hope and desire
I get to relax inside my own skin.
Until the next big thing comes along
pulling me back
into the tensions of the day.