The queue grows longer behind me
Few people ahead of me now
Closer and closer I come to fate
Closer now, any second
My eyes meet the officer
Will my dreams be fulfilled
Or will I live and die stuck in a nightmare?

Any second now
The clock ticks in the background
Louder and louder
Buzzing in my ear, louder and louder
The grey stone room seems to close in
My vision starts to shake
As my eyes zero-in on the officer
It is my turn now
What is my fate good officer?

Never did I imagine that it would come to this
I was always a nonconformist
But I wasn’t given a choice this time around
A land that once promised freedom
Now thrives in chains
And now so do I
What can I possibly do now
When survival rests on my conformity

My mother once told me
Before the very same officer determined her fate
To never stop fighting
There is hope in struggle
Because when you stop fighting
Your hope dies
And you’re nothing without hope.

I stand before this very officer today
With the chance to claim my freedom back
What am I to do?
Mother, what am I to do?

The clock ticks even louder
The room is vibrating with anticipation
What am I to do?
I can’t...think...

“Nakkiran, you will be a...literary control officer.”
All the books left in the world
Stories and poems of hope
Struggle, sacrifice,
Love, peace,
Happiness
Now mine to destroy
What a fate

Not mine.
I refuse.
“I REFUSE!”

Sometimes I sit down and think, “Is this all there is to life?”
Compartmentalize my feelings of sadness, joy, and excitement into boxes
Some of which stack higher than others and tumble down into subcategories
Times I was sad because of my period, because of school, because of ----

Other times I stand up and I don’t think, “I am completely satisfied with life.”
Because I am not
I look at cracked paint on walls and study the paths the minuscule crevices decided to take
So easily permanent and there

My head has established a tyranny of overthinking and anxiety that boxes with itself
Left, right, no left, up, maybe down, sideways, maybe
Too much to think and my brain can’t seem to understand there is still time to think
No decision has to be made about anything ever just yet not yet maybe

I understand time casts an infinite shadow
It forever runs out even though it’s nowhere near the finish line
It’s always running out
Always leaving me breathless

Life
The crack of dawn,
Grogginess kicking in,
Struggling to get up for the day,
Everyday just like the rest,

Same routine,
Sleep. Eat. Learn. Study. Sleep.
But one day something changes,
A kink is thrown in the system,
Nothing is the same again,

Going to school different every day,
Trying to adapt to the change,
But it is hard to change,
To this lifestyle that is different,

Not knowing what to do,
Or what to choose,
For life has thrown a curveball,
In my life plan,
And I don’t know what to choose,

Eventually will have to make decisions,
Which I’m not ready to make,
For I’m afraid if I choose,
I will make a wrong choice,

Time is ticking,
And I have to choose soon,
For not being ready is not helpful,
It is coming too fast,

For panicking is what I’m doing
Do I choose sports or school,
Will I make the right choice,
Or suffer my own doom,

These choices will help mold my fate,
And the pressure of the choices is unbearable,
For I can’t decide a choice,
I love all the stuff I do,

But I don’t know if I’m ready to say goodbye,
To my friends. Sports. School. Or life too.
For life is going by fast,
And I can keep up with it,
I wish I could just stay back and live in the good ol’ days.

I am not allowed to do things that
You wouldn't.
I am not allowed to say things that
You wouldn't.
I am not allowed to believe things that
You wouldn't.
You wouldn't
let me grow into a person,
Grow into Me.
If I asked you to help make a change,
You wouldn't.
If I asked you to make an effort to be understanding,
You wouldn't.
If I asked you to care,
You wouldn't.

However,

I will.
Care for things and people that need it.
I will.
Try to understand people who are different.
I will.
Make a change.
Growth in the soul
Will turn me into myself, and
I will.
I will
Determine my own beliefs.
I will
Shout what I must.
I will
Choose to be what
You weren't.

Sometimes cutting is
Easier than pretending
I’m not hurting.
Sometimes cutting is easier
Than saying I’m  okay
When I’m  really dying
On the inside.

Sometimes cutting will
lead to a decision I
Can’t take back.

save me.

There are two kinds of people in this world, the kind that get everything they’ve ever wanted and the kind that work hard and live in the dark
I’m feeling loneliest at most
Yep this definitely is depressing, watching cars go by and by
And yet there you are stuck in the same situation as always
Eves dropping, joining into conversations you’re not welcome to
Sipping on a martini, oh no you shouldn’t though, you gotta drive
Home
To where you feel the most emptiest inside