Mother Dear,
I love you with a love that is uncertain, tentative, conditional as the sun in the sky
You broke my heart years ago.
you took my life, the one I wanted and ripped it up
you claimed I never loved anything that I did,  and never wanted to be with/see/love any of it, all of it again you claimed I asked you to do that

As if I didn't know my own head and my own words
You took away the horses that ran as fast as my thoughts, the books that reminded me that I wasn't truly alone, removed me from the friends like mirrors of my heart
and for the first time...I knew what it felt like to love nothing and be loved by no one.

I wrote I hated you, I starved myself to feel like you didn't own me and you took that from me too...taking away my journals, forcing me to eat when I would rather have allowed the bones to jut from my body in subtle defiance
You couldn't take the novels I wrote in my mind or the memories of those days, pieces of words and conversations forever circling back to haunt me like the ghosts that make you who you are

You made me a shell, a blank, southern, suburban wife in the making someone who disgusts me...but you are my mother and I can't hate you

I have to love you- even when the feeling is fleeting and I question it.

Your hair curls like mine you say and I can only imagine yours curling from the heated vapors frying in your brain all empty the way you want it
"Ignorance and bliss" you say and that is why you live in your tiny bowl of stupidity and joy- a hopeless optimism that angers me more than anything else.


I want to despise you sometimes and others I want to be your best friend
You have hurt me in ways that nothing else could ever compare to
but without you and your dedication of 87 days to a hospital bed, I would not be here at all
I do not know if I can handle looking at your eyes with my own or holding a hug for more than a moment but i know i always try
I must always try.

Moments pass with us in tune and as friends or even better a mother-and-daughter
not at war but at peace and it is nice
And then you say, your hair is too long, your shoulders or slumped or you need to lose weight and the feeling spirals and fragments like a million little snowflakes

no one feeling the same but all of them razor sharp
cutting me in jagged pieces of who I was and reshaping me into a girl, young and frightened, a girl who I do not recognize. A girl who I do not want to be

the pieces of your cold words bury themselves under my skin and
they rattle around in my mind long after they melt against the warmth of my anger

i wish you were here my dear
to share this happiness i feel
for once my face is not dripping in tears
isn't that grand to hear?
i wish you were here my dear
to hold my hand so tight
to help me make it thru the night
but even when you're gone ill carry on
just for you my dear

What I saw was true,
I was bound to love you,
-- Until I die dear.

- 05152k15

so tell me, dear, what game are we playing?
would you open your card to me,
or are we gonna pretend and playing heart?

so tell me, dear, what are you gonna do?
would you give me a hand,
or are you gonna leave me building 3D puzzle?

The darkened hall grew around me
as she came, the breath in my
lungs filled and stilled, halting as I halted
the moment from passing
her skin without blemish, her hair
so short compared to my own
her eyes black voids to another
universe no longer recognized
her mouth turned up, though sewn
closed locking inside a world once
seen clearly in a childlike mind
and though time was still, all I
had ever wanted was looking at me
and it was the most terrifying experience
of my half life and I wondered
how scared was she, staring
into the future? I wondered if to her
my eyes were fallen, my skin so pale
especially in the muted gray
if she saw a destroyed fantasy
or a kiss of hope, and I wondered
if she knew too much because
sometimes it is best to be uncertain
and be happy than to be sure
but always disappointed
but my fear turned to agony when she
acknowledged my existence that
in the turn of this realm I am real
that she accepted me for all I
am and never will become
so dear I hold her, so far away she stands
with one arm gracefully raised
“Take me with you,” a prayer to understand
but I cannot, I will not
because I want her to remain uncertain
in loving memory.

Dear Doubt,
the promises of God…
are proven and true!
On His principles,
I regularly mediate
and thoroughly chew.

Dear Doubt,
though you resemble
a humongous mountain,
my victory is coming;
my praise is rising,
as I’m dancing in Zion.

Dear Doubt,
you’ve no lasting control
over how I conduct myself;
my spirit is renewed daily
and my holy sword isn’t…
collecting dust on a shelf.

Dear Doubt,
here’s a final reminder,
regarding what you’ll see;
despite my human failings,
His mercies are new everyday
and my God still loves me!
.
.
.
Author Notes

Inspired by:
Matt 21:21; Deu 28:66; Jude 1:22

Learn more about me and my poetry at:
http://amzn.to/1ffo9YZ

By Joseph J. Breunig 3rd, © 2015, All rights reserved.

Every man
Has his own Atlantis.

A paradise
Submerged forever.

You are
My Atlantis.

I know it's
Kind of impossible.

I'd still be searching
For answers.

Why and how
You disappeared.

And if I'll ever
Find you again.

**My dear Atlantis.

to the one who broke my heart
I should have known
I gave in to you're pathetic lies
now my life has fallen apart.

I hope you're happy with your life
good luck, you're going to need it
I'm ashamed of what you've become
and embarrassed to have ever called you mine

dear self, what's happened to you?
you used to be so strong.
the wear and tear of others words
you now believe to be true.

you'll be okay, I promise.
you can do hard things
day after day it will get easier
just don't look back, regret, or miss.

to the one who gave me life
and to the one who sorta helped
thank you for everything you've done
all alone I could not handle my strife

dear crush...
I'm sorry that you don't exist.
it's a real pity
the idea of you is exciting, but I won't rush.

to the place that's suppose to teach
when will I learn how to live?
I'm unsure of my life
lifting me higher to the goals I may reach.

dear brother, dear sister
I know I am stuck with you
but for what it is worth
I love you for who you are and what you were

to me long ago
don't worry about now
we are doing alright
things do get better, I know

dear first love
when I was blinded, it was beautiful
my eyes eventually opened
you weren't there when my days were tough

I burned all your gifts
deleted all your pictures
but mountains of memories remain
and I'm falling off the cliff

there's not enough words to say
just know one thing
I loved you with my whole heart
and I felt nothing but betrayed

to the new me years from now
I hope you're still doing okay
please tell me that you've healed
maybe danced away the pain somehow

dear friend, my dearest friend
I wish you were not so far away
I love you with my entire being
no matter what may are friendship never end

you have been with me through hell
and helped me stand up again
forever have my heart and soul
you my friend, who knows me so well

to my child who is years away
you make a perfect addition
to our imperfect little family
we have not yet met but I love you anyway

dear person I hate
sorry we don't get along
unsure of who you are
but I guess now it's too late

to the one who has my heart
thank you for being in my life
I wish I could know who you are
and I wish we didn't have to be apart

dear friend who use to be
I'm sorry for everything I did
I wish it hadn't happened
but I hope you will please forgive me

to the people who don't like me
I'm sorry you feel that way
I will not change to please you
because you hate me for things I may not see

dear boyfriend of mine
so sorry you aren't real
maybe I will meet you soon
but while I wait, I'll be fine.

to everyone who has existed in my lifetime
thanks for doing your part
you've shaped my entire being
and made my life sublime