To M.

See, I should have kissed you.

I should have kissed you when I had the chance to. Should have pulled you closer, stood on my tiptoes, my hand tightly clutching your neck, and kissed you full on the mouth. Should have run my fingers through your spiky hair, smiling as your arms closed around me.

I should have found you, the taste of tiramisu still on my lips, and I should have kissed you, giving you a taste of the happiness in a box that you'd handed me so timidly.

Your voice still rings loud and clear in my head, I hear it when I read your messages, that distinctive accent, eyebrows raised, cheekbones moving. And that smile, so sly and cunning, your lips slightly upturned. I *should have kissed those lips when I had the chance to do so. Then and there, among tears and sporadic, almost desperate hugs, I should have kissed you. When you held on to me for just a little longer, your hug tight, your hands running along my back, I should have traced your lips with mine. I should have sealed that promise with a kiss.


"You never see a person only once in a lifetime," you whispered in my ear, your breath tickling me. "That's a promise," I choked on tears, "You hear me, it's a promise."


I should have kissed you; instead, I hugged you once again as you held me tightly and rubbed my back. I should have just reached out. Fate or whatever mystical force there is ******* us up pretty badly. If only I'd met you earlier. If only I'd known you before I got mixed up with the wrong person. I wish we'd had more time. I wish I'd done a lot of things differently. My heart drops in my stomach every time you say you miss me. Your voice will fade away. I won't be able to conjure up your face without looking at pictures, and all your familiar features will be blurred by time and memory. The ephemeral imprint of your skin against mine will soon be gone forever. My heart will grow cold.


The taste of tiramisu will linger, though. Always in the back of my mind, the unanswered question of what it would be like to taste it from your lips. Have tiramisu some time. I hope it tastes like me. You never see a person only once in a lifetime, but perhaps you only have one chance to kiss.

I should have kissed you.

I
a fireworks display in summer.
flashing light -
bursting sound -
nervous adrenaline pulsing through the air.
grabbing fingers -
frantic touch -
it's lightening,
grass under feet,
lingering glances -
a revolution,
a government overthrow,
with guns blazing.

II
a warm fireplace in winter.
fleece blankets -
steaming cups -
christmas carols floating in from the next room.
a warm body -
a sleepy smile -
it's pajamas,
thick wool socks,
a kiss on the forehead,
a moment of home.

to call us lovebirds, dating, etc.
to our faces, like just another mask we wear
ain't quite right, like the lack of function in broken hearts;

we're in love (if what i think about is mutual)
but we'd never take the extra step
unlike our own shy and socially awkward flaws.

I don't know what we are
and I certainly don't know what we're becoming.
All I know is that you have her,
and really... that's fine.

Really.

I'll sit here, relishing in our 4 hour text conversations
trying to decipher where exactly we stand
until I finally realize it doesn't matter.

At least we're standing.

A touch of hand
Hardly a brush
But you felt enough
A word
he whispered
Not much
But you felt yourself
getting swept away

A smile
He brings when he comes,
Nothing strong,
But it won't ever falter
A new hope you found
Amidst all these doubts,
No way to know where it will lead
But you can't stop

You can feel it,
Everywhere you go,
The winds keep spreading
His aroma all around you

You can see it,
In the darkness
You are now dreaming of his face
With eyes wide open

The adrenaline rush
Giving you the highest high
you ever felt
A shrug, it can't be that
But you can't stop looking her way

A glimpse
Not long before she goes
But she continues to linger
In your thoughts

You can feel it
In your solitude
The ebbing pain cursing her name

You can hear
the fresh leaves saying
The weather will soon change

A growing blush on your cheeks
Not too prominent, you hope
But everyone with eyes
Has started to see a pattern

A stutter along with some whispers
Your heart floats some place far
With a buoyancy  
it has just acquired

You can hear it
Inside your chest
What once was hollow
Is now pounding with grace

You can feel it
By the flutters of the butterflies
That rose from the ashes

A strange euphoria wreathed around you
Not one reason you can confirm
But your friends say
It is cause of her

A late night revelation
Not a thing you planned
But here you are hoping hard
The cupid hit both of you and not just one.

You can see it now
clearer than the moon
on a cloudless night
It is love.
You know it now
Better than the childhood rhymes
You have learnt
*It must have been love all along

I may wish on stars as the rain drops unto you
Today
Although the Rain gets to me too,
I still miss your sunny rays

If only you'd direct some of that sun toward me,
I'd be " " in every other way.

But you are a sunflower that can only be kissed in the rain.
Yet, I am transparent; Diphylleiac and Gray

And as the sun comes out,
I hesitate, and
you face the other way.

You're a dying breed
Amongst the dust and in a druzy,
You do not see me

Yet

She is your sunshine and I'm not.
We're full of no promise;
Forget-me-not.
I try not to be the one-sided crusher
but I
can't
stop.

Actions are words at deeds,
Feelings untold,
Feelings unspoken,
Actions are worth better at showing.

Love is a building tool,
Hearts breaking,
Hearts leaking,
Love is still a mending wool.

How do you say these words felt?
When is the right moment to voice them?
What hormone builds such a desire?
Will these emotions ever die?

Words Unspoken,
Hearts sealed,
Love leaking,
Thoughts hindering.

Words untold,
By a heart dreading,
To a heart unknowing,
For a stranger unseeing.

i try to bottle them up,
but i can't keep these feelings at bay
and no matter how hard i try,
i can't seem to make them go away.
i'm tongue tied
and silent,
because no words can convey
the feelings that reap inside of my body
every second of the day.

and i can feel the words coming,
the ones that'll sting like when you pour salt into a cut
you know the words that always feel like someone is stabbing you in your gut
and i have plenty to say,
but i keep biting my tongue,
because i know for a fact that you have already won.
but my heart doesn't listen,
it just says, "so what?"
and i can't fathom what to say
so i just keep my mouth shut.

i want to blame you
and hate you,
for the mere fact that you don't like me back.
and i want to accuse you of a crime,
but i think the only crime that has been committed here,
was by me,
and it was the crime of wanting someone who would never want to be mine.