my only fear is that
there will be too much
in my system,
and they will find every
trace of you.
lingering through the veins
of complications that we
both once knew.
since my body won’t
absorb all of you,
the high will consume me,
ease the pain
then release various endorphins
that i forgot i had made.
it will fill me with
would be’s, should be’s, and could be’s.
then leave me on the ground, flat lined.
constantly reminding,
that the only reason you are not here
is because of me.

you’re out here
making me look
foolish.
denying what the truth is,
like you really didn’t do it.
like i’m some petty *****,
who just couldn’t move on
through it.
like i’m the one who was
doing the other wrong,
when it was you who was
constantly leading me on…
you’re acting as if you weren’t
swiping through tinder
all night long…
like i never saw the messages
before you moved your arm.
as if i had no reason to leave
you on read…all semester long.
but if you need me to list them
i’ll give you an abundance of ‘em:
i had left before you had
discussed your views of
me with your homies,
who had uncontrollable *** tendencies.
before you began to imagine
all those matches on their knees
praying for your drunk sanity.
before you decided to tap
two days before you suddenly
saw it heading downwardly.
and all those nights where
you thought you had me oblivious
to all that you had attempted
to conceal. and even before
your little homies stated:
c’mon dude its college
forget how she feels…
but boy please, i knew it all…
and i had left long before
our kisses and your bed
grew cold.

Every day, like clockwork
I sit at my desk
with a pencil, paper, and calculator
and I strive to become a better version of
me

I wouldn't expect you to be like me
constantly thinking, working, and calculating
like a self-sufficient machine
that does not stop to breathe

But as every day turned to night
and I sat at my desk
restless,
unlike ever before
I didn't feel like you were there.

The sun would rise and I'm still grinding
This seat will be warm for fifty hours
before my day will fade to
black.

I'd invite you over for lunch
so that I could get a chance to talk to you
and let you know how much I love you
and that even in this life that I'm living
I will never forget about you

But every day, you'd go away
and run into the arms of
intoxication
and with every hit you took
the girl that I knew slowly faded away
like a watercolor painting in the rain.

And as time goes by
I realized that as I work like a robot
I'm still only human
I only have so much energy
and I can't keep doing this anymore

With every hour that goes by
I see that my brain is failing me
and what should be an easy task
has now been rendered impossible.
I'm losing my mind.

And all the while,
as I frantically try to learn with maximum efficiency,
Still in the back of my mind I think about you.
But they aren't happy thoughts anymore
I just think about what you were and what you are

How am I supposed to be
everything that they want me to be?
How could I be a machine
and a loving human simultaneously?
How could this be the way to happiness
when I'm dragging on rock bottom?

How could you sit there and watch me die
and come back in the morning to yell at me?
How could you go away and get high every day
and then come back and lie to me?
and how could I let it all happen?

Every single time I wake up
after a rare period of slumber
I think to myself
I can't wait to be unconscious again
when I cannot think or feel

If I want to be the best version of me
I have to cut the anchor
The anchor that has held me down,
the anchor that is
you

He said “Cult of Simultaneity”
in such a sultry way
it made we want to kiss him
in that “Gay guys are attracted to me”
sort of way.

An English major taking an
upper level history course
as an elective—

When he smiled at you
in one-on-one conversation
his Irish emerald eyes gleamed between
slits (as he squinted his eyes
in a merry, amiable way).

He wore silk dress shirts and vests
every day with pressed tapered
black dress pants and
gleaming black oxfords.

His well-trimmed red beard
enwreathing the doorway to his mouth
made his lips (full, lush;
I swear they were glossed)—
evermore tantalizing.

I gave him a cute nickname
that was just his name shortened
but with a y, like Jimmy
and Bobby and
I hope he liked it—

He spoke with such finesse
carefully enunciating every syllable
running his tongue smoothly
across his teeth lips and
the roof of his mouth
free of spit and stutter—

every phoneme imbued
with his placid charm,
I ate every crumb
with my eyes glued to him
across the classroom—

Vain and straight,
straight in vain.

All I have are pictures
Pictures torturous
Igniting memories
Memories of our past glories
Glories I can never relive.

Should I shed a tear
Cause I miss you?
Could you even hear
My cry to you?

We played and danced
We sat and discussed
We were friends in need of maths
And our parents saw arrogance
Together we couldn't win
But together we could play!

All I have are pictures
Wish I had contacts
You won't even know I am missing you
How will you know I am staring at you?
The good thing is you will never frown
How can you frown when you're emotionless?

I'm here
now to
sing aloud
a dominie
in her
class of
yore with
style in
a school
with another
day there
with her
winks for
tradition that
flash her
letter of
primacy again.