I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,
I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.
Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.
I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.
I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.
At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.
I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.
When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.
Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.
Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!
My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.
