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cher Aug 2018
acting on a stage,
she builds with each step,
step,
    step,
        stepping,
the floorboards trail behind her feet.
they form from the soil,
the earth breathing beneath,
wooden planks sprouting between her toes.

she sings in a voice strained and trained,
her diaphragm strong and core
rumbling in single breaths.

her skin brushed with pigment,
cheeks tinted rouge and lips scrubbed till pain,
gold-dusted on her bones
rays reflecting and blinding from her beauty.

stomach she ***** in,
twenty-four
seven,
always prim and proper,
a perfect specimen of femininity,
her blood flows in a viscosity unique
only to the elite.

fingers down
but she lacks words to throw up,
she's silent,
an empty vessel,
her lips meant to be a two-way gate
but nothing flows either way.

her skin sunkissed turmeric,
her irises tapioca pearls,
hair flowing and falling from her face
toasted nori on the white rice her dress.

daily rehearsals of sixteen
odd years practicing lines;
memorizing them, repeating internally,
the stage she builds like a church
her loves oppose to the act,
but she builds an antidisestablishment
forcing her audience of parishioners
away from her.
[ T R I G G E R    W A R N I N G ]
my friend challenged me to use the words viscosity and antidisestablishmentarianism and so i made this boi
maledimiele Aug 2018
I licked you cautiously with precision
Licked until your sharp edges were round and soft
Indulged in that millisecond, I let my mind wander off to the imagination of licking and actually swallowing you
Sweet imaginary drops of melted sticky sugary matter were dripping down my esophagus
You were dancing in my throat like a delicate ballerina
Tiptoeing, Floating.

Then reality hit in again and my tongue drawed back like it just touched a hot range
My esophagus felt clogged. Your pungent taste was burning holes into my throat-
So I used my fingers like a plunger to **** you out again.

I purged dark matter all over the white bathroom tiles
Tried to extinguish salty burning tears with stomach acid
You smelled sweet and savory at the same time.

I’m sorry for drowning the rest of you in the toilet.
But they say “nothing good ever lasts long enough” for a reason.
You see, love is a battlefield and I’m Napoleon.
Moni Aug 2018
The girl with a beautiful smile
A vibrant personality,
And a picture perfect family.
Envied and loved.
Not a single person to hate
Besides herself.
The things that nobody sees is when
She breaks down,
Cries,
And every night
Hunches over the toilet
With a spoon in her throat.
Telling herself only one more time to be pretty.
One more time to be happy.
One more time to be loved.
One more time to escape.
One more time to get better.
One more time to stop.
She lets her emotions overrule
And demons take control.
Life shouldn't be this way.
Her father's a drunk, her mothers a drug addict.
She would do anything to escape this world
Of darkness,
But no one seems to know.
She puts on this picture perfect image
To protect herself,
Despite it killing her that her voice will never be heard
No one seems to even notice
The bruises on her legs and back
Or how she always seems to go to the bathroom
Every time she eats "too much."
If she told anyone,
They would hate her,
Her parents would hurt her,
And she would never have any hope
Of becoming the girl she pretends to be.
this poem is actually not really finished. I might delete this one later
Ellie Grace Jul 2018
As each day passes I can feel myself slowly losing a part of my identity
falling into the black abyss of insanity
Once again this disease has become all consuming
eating away at my mind
I feed myself the same lies
stomaching the pain of this decaying body
Mind clouded by malnutrition
Once again indulging in this slow form of suicide
Belle Jul 2018
I want to hide.
I want to isolate.
I want to leave.
Because this was a mistake that I can't easily get out of.
I see myself and all i see is a disappointment.
A sad, fat, shameful disappointment.
I hate myself so much and I am so afraid because now I'm eating everyday and I can hardly stand my body.
I look in the full length mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I used to be so much smaller.
I want to cry.
What am I without my eating disorder?
A shell of a boring, annoying person.
Not special.
Not unique.
Just, Belle.
I pretend like I'm okay,
but I'm not.
Belle is useless and can't think of anything else except for when to leave and can go back to behaviors again.
I am absolutely horrible. Seven times in residential treatment and nothing has helped.
Why am I still trying?
Maybe when I leave this time the eating disorder will **** me.
Cause after this, I don't have any more opportunities.
I am untreatable, unlovable, and unseen.
I act like the perfect patient, because the more I do that-- the quicker I get out of here.
"I cant wait until I starve myself again"
Constantly repeats in my brain.
i am tired.
i am in ******* pain.
i am crumbling
i am not okay
but i am happy.
My eating disorder gives me more happiness than anyone ever has.
I am my eating disorder.
I just wish I could shrink
I just wish I could have that control
I just wish I could make nobody know about this.
I am surrounded by people who support me,
but I want none of it.
Yet I wonder why I feel lonely.
I am worthless, I am a willful brat.
Even when I am pushing so hard, I'm still just as pointless.
My family can't wait until I get better.
I can't wait until I get worse.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to recover, but I can't. I'm too hyper focused on being thin that nothing else matters.
Nothing will ever matter.
Not anymore.
Laura Jul 2018
Some people don't realize how much you cry when you throw up
How much you shake
How much your nose runs

Nobody likes to throw up
You feel like a ******* kid
With snot and bile dripping everywhere over the toilet
And your hands clenched to the bowl
Desperate for it to hold you back
And tell you you'll be alright

But I do it every day
Every ******* day
Because I can't afford
A lifetime on the hips

So I find my place on the floor
The place where I spread my towel
In order to make the cold, hard ground
Just a little more forgiving
I have toilet paper ready to wipe my mouth and nose
Because **** gets messy after the first retch of regret

But once it's all over,
You can't just tell people,
"I threw up everything I ate today."
You have to keep going
Like nothing ******* happened
Because otherwise they flock over you
And don't let you do it anymore
PoserPersona Jul 2018
Leaves, sticks, and seeds make up this six foot stalk.
Oh, how she blooms before the flashing lights!
Leaving men and women with a stunned gawk.
Oh, you cause the seeds of your kind at night,
to dream of heights they won't reach; how sadly
try the delusional. But in all kin,
is imprinted least a scar on their psyches.
Sacrificial offer in porcelain
is ritually performed by some daily.
If not for fame, glory, or money, then
to mirror fashion people's ideal beauty.
A cyclic mental disease that won't end.
Shhh.. Here she comes! The first, but not the least.
An appetizer for the famine feast!
Laura Jul 2018
Bun o'clock
I'm hungry but I don't say anything
Because I can hold on longer

Chew pm
Someone says I look thin
Have I lost weight??

Three pounds
Potentially three pounds
But I don't know because I always think I look bloated

Four ice cubes to tie me over
I don't need to eat
I'm okay

Five fat shaming *******
Stroll past me in their skinny jeans
Reminding me who deserves to be a size 0

Tricks o' the mind
Start to play
As I tell myself I don't need to eat because I did yesterday

Age seven is when
Mama first told me to stretch my shirts
Hide my figure
Watch what I eat
Stop taking second helpings
No dessert

Eight
Looks like a couple of donuts.
Muffins.  Pizzas.
Any round food.
My round stomach.

Nibble pm.
It's okay to eat a little?  Maybe?

Ten pm?
Or ten candy bars?

Eleven hours later
Nothing in my belly
But four ice cubes

Twelve: time to taunt my taste buds
Trick myself
Tell myself that I'll eat tomorrow
Tomorrow will be the day
The day I really splurge
Everyone knows that's a lie
But my tummy doesn't
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