well it actually happened
i guess i fell in love
but everything seems to be messed up

you see my lovers a demon
with sugar flavored lips
shes poison and treasure
is hidden right below her hips

im crazy for craving her
and her perfume of nicotine
im crazy for loving her
because she isnt what she seems

up and down and back again
rollercoaster of euphoria
hot and cold and warm again
drowing in hysteria

my love,
her name is mania

In this moment I pray:
For peace
For strength
For life to slow down
to speed up
To give me all the things I want
To take away all the things that break me
To end my rollercoaster emotions
up and down
side-to-side
happy and sad

In this moment I beg:
To be successful
to feel proud of the strides I've made
to not feel like a failure
that I will be nobody forever
that I will be stuck in the same place
for the rest of my life
For the day I will see the light
and I will trust my feet to take me where I need to be
to appreciate all that I have
and to stop comparing myself to others

And in this moment I hope:**
That I will continue to fight for my life
That I will get better one day
That I'll no longer be sick and scared
That I will find what I'm meant to do
That God actually does have a plan for me
and I just need to be patient and have faith
That healing will take place
And that there will be a day
That I will no longer feel this pain
That it will be replaced with joy.

some days I'm awake
Others I'm asleep
Try to relive the moment
But unfortunately I'm too weak

Asleep last for months
Painful and dark
Treading like a ghost in chains
I can't get very far

Blood is red
And as warm as humidity
Sticky and dead
There is no serenity

Being awake
Is no better than asleep
For that's when /they/ come
The voices that scream

Plenty of energy
But nothing to do
Seeing a door open
Yet no one comes through

Feeling as if
Someone's touching your spine
But you blink and realize
It was only your mind

These are the tortures
Of awake and asleep
Flipping back and forth
As my sanity leaks

Drown out the sadness
Drown out the pain
Drown out the voices inside my brain

******* cutting up my skin.
In only places I can see.
Never ******* meant a thing.
No not to anyone.
I'm just tossed around.
Thrown sky high only to hit the ground.
One two three.
All blody lines on me.
Can I just take one to my neck?
Get it all over with.
Wash the blood from my hands
Dress me nice.
I made the ultimate sacrifice.
I took myself away.
So you can have a worry free life.
You never needed me.
Until that day.
Imma just ******* cut!!!
Bleeding.

Look through a child’s eye and you’ll see their despair
Then look through another and you’ll feel a run down tear.

Take 5 minutes of your time to think of how your life is;
Compared to the eyes of knowing how desperate change is.

Eyes show more than people say
They only lie to keep their pain away.
Instead of thinking of how better your life can be
Think of how some cringe to flee.

Most believe me when I tell them everyone hides
When they commit a domestic homicide, but;
It’s most surprising that most don’t believe me
When I tell them the kid who just ran out went to commit suicide
Then they have the guts to tell me,
“Leave it aside.”

The next day comes,
Only to find out that the kid who ran out?
He was found on the bathroom floor, dead.
Without a doubt.

If only a person was to show how they felt
By giving him some loving affection,
Instead of forcing him to reject his bipolar depression.

If only you would have looked through that child’s eyes;
You would’ve saw their despair
Then if you looked through another, you would have felt their suicidal tears.

I'm not well...

I know this.

I took these meds because I want to be better for them.

But I'm so ******* up that my pain lingers and clings on to thier lives.

I'm broken and I know its my past that pushed me into this life.

I took these meds daily in attempt to be less miserable for them.

Because my illness is not contagious, but taintable.

I want everyone to be free from what I feel.

I care so much about how they feel.

But these meds make me fat, and the bipolar in me can't a hundred percent be held back...

I inconvenience everyone with my sorrow and rage when I peek into thier world.

It makes me feel guilty and worthless.

I want to be what they want, to smile and laugh everyday.

Or just loose my mind and not care about anything.

Being social and anyone but me is what I'm supposed to be, but Im cursed with my life in my bedroom and failing my family.

I don't write to get anyone to understand.

I think I write this because, it's all that I am.

I'm sorry for the people who read these words and can relate...

Because your either stuck like me or have actually found your way.

I'm still gone as I breath and sit, and I hate myself beacause of the space I waste.

Just today I flushed my meds away.

Nobody should care, because I've never gotten better.

I've never been well enough for them.

Maybe I'll shed some pounds, but who cares because I'll be in my bed.

Maybe the difference in me med free will help someone see.

Even if it's just me.

Fall is like death.
Like bipolar.
You gradually fade away,
then you are completely gone.
Falling!
Swaying in the wind,
as you hit the ground.
Brittle.
Easy to crumble.
Dying!
Your colors use to be so bright,
so vibrant,
and alive.
Joyous!
Then...
Your colors begin to fade.
One by one.
Reds,
Oranges,
Yellows,
then browns...
Your life is now dull,
brittle,
fragile,
and dead...
like the colors of the leaves.
Face it,
you are dying inside.
Fading away.
Piece by piece.
You eventually,
come back.
Slowy begin to grow,
and get your color.
Your vibrant colors...
You feel on top of the world,
for a short while.
But...
All it takes,
is that down state,
to go crumbling,
to the ground again.
To die,
and fade away....