i notice
every little thing
he does.

his hand on my waist
as he slips past.
fingers grazing skin
when we both lean
against the pole.
our eyes meet,
as i hand him
the word
he was reaching for.

the other day
he gave me a side-hug.
stroked my back,
slid to my arm,
and i forgot
how to breathe.

then i missed my bus,
so we could talk,
just a bit longer.
longer
than we should have.

when i finally left,
i melted into him
without thinking.

i felt horrified,
almost betrayed.
because next time
i might kiss him
if my mind can’t
hold the reins.

every thought of him
is a slip toward the rim,
and i’m falling.
with hands tied.
i’m falling in love with him.

i asked her—
of all people—
if you’d ever said
anything about me.

i knew you wouldn’t.
you don’t hand
your secrets to anyone.

but she said the way
you look at me
is evidence enough.

she questioned
why i haven’t told you.

maybe you’d stay.
maybe you would.

but i could never
make you choose
between your dreams
and your chance with me,
only to watch us
fall through.

we play two rounds of pool.
he beats me twice.
now the air between us
is nothing but teeth and heat—
and in my head
he’s already got me
on the table,
thirsty for every part of me.

he grins, asks
exactly what i’m thinking,
and god,
he’s right—
it is too fast.
a week in,
we’re breathing
nothing but each other.

so i settle into his lap
just to rest my head,
to counteract—
this.
us.

but his mouth
finds mine,
and the world
tilts open.

i wandered downstairs,
and found you there –
my boss.
wearing
my friend’s sleepwear.

before i could
muster a word,
you asked about him –
my housemate,
with the angelic hair.

i laughed it off,
but you asked again.
serious.

you filled her coffee mug,
disappeared upstairs,
leaving me unable
to get your nonsense
out of my head.

now i’m rewinding the years,
pulling up the time
i’d have jumped
at the thought of this.

it’s not like that.
it's platonic.
except when i forget
what he’s saying,
shoulder brushing mine,
and wonder —
if i leaned in,
would i be allowed...

my phone was on silent,
and i missed his call.
“i called you by accident,”
he said, when i rang back,
“i have nothing to say.”

nineteen minutes later,
his sweet sound of nothing
was still on the line,
untangling his day.

we met in a bar —
by accident —
i was with a friend.
we matched on tinder
a while ago.
yet, word by word,
you quoted my bio
back to me.
as if you didn’t care.
so casually.

we talked bad dates,
cats, the types we were into,
living sitch in oxford,
housemate gossip,
then silently judged some people.

my friend left, eventually.
we decided to head home.
you were parked at the station,
and i lived off botley road.

you didn’t mind the company.
i didn’t know you.
but i knew of you.
barely.
a friend of a friend.

then i found myself accepting
the lift you offered.

we were almost by my house
when you asked about my plans.

maybe i’d finish
a half-drunk bottle, i said,
with nothing else in mind.

you glanced over,
said you had one at home
you were dying to open.
extremely cheap.
probably vile.
saved for special occasions,
and improvised nights.

the spark was effortless.
as we got to my driveway,
you turned us around.

the ridiculous treasure
you had saved
was worse than we feared,
yet we drank it
until we forgot the taste.

the selfies you made us take
were the silliest kind:
posing with fake glasses,
bandanas,
and that cursed, stick-on moustache.

yours (bandana, not moustache),
wrapped around my neck,
pulled me close.
then you kissed me.

it caught me off guard —
the difference.
you didn’t need me to stay.
i didn’t hear you beg.
with the bottle between us,
we settled in your bed,
discussed programming,
reflection,
the act of meditation —
such an unexpected night to have.

as you drove me home,
you put cheesy pop songs on,
belting out taylor swift.
i noticed the comic strips
glued on the interior —
it was harley quinn.

i still remember all of it.

mostly the goodbye kiss
you carefully asked for
as i opened the door.
and the way our lips brushed
was almost like a dream,
because it was the first time
a kiss,
exchanged with a stranger,
didn’t feel cheap.

we weren’t really strangers
by the end of the night.

(at least not as much
as we currently are.)

i was warned
i'd fall for you.
stay away from him,
they said.
sweetie, he’s bad news.

i laughed it off,
thinking i knew better,
thinking, that this time
would be different.

i always loved a challenge.

three months it took
for my mind
to catch up
with my heart.
by then,
you’d already
moved on.

You say that we don’t chase but we attract
Attract whatever is there but I’m not that kind
I want to be loved by someone I love
I don’t wanna attract something that is not mine.

he touched my arm
as he paid for his latte —
i smiled as he talked.
he’s going to budapest.
same time as me.

he asked if i could
recommend things to see.
easy.
the ruin bars,
the chain bridge.
the gellért baths,
if you like steam.

i could be your guide —
i didn’t say —
i know a great place
i could take you.
it doesn’t need a ticket.
conveniently,
it’s located
in my bedroom.

‘take off your clothes,’ he said.
i glared — long enough to matter.
he peeled off his cardigan,
set it on the desk.
‘wear mine.’

another glare.
maybe half a smile.
‘i know how much you love it.’

then he walked away,
knowing my heart melted —
not from the warmth
of his sleeves
wrapped around me,
but from the fact
that he noticed i did.

later, when the rainy days passed,
i looked for my scarf.
i was sure i left it in the office.
‘you did,’ he said.

‘so where is it?’
‘i took it home.’
his grin lit the air between us.

‘what can i say?’
hands over his heart.
‘i needed something
to warm me up.’