the way
that i spent
nearly countless hours of
my precious time
psychoanalyzing
nonexistent nuances
in any
desperate attempt
to escape the silent shouting
void around me;
only to be left
in the same void once more
the moment i got
an ounce of clarity.
~it's astounding, but not in the good way

He is scared that I'll go someplace he can't reach me,
So he's chosen not to connect at all.
I do not intend to be absent,
But I wish he knew
It hurts equally to regret love not given
As it does to lose love you've given your all.
Regretting time not spent and care not shown
Is a special kind of hell I do not wish upon him.

it sang the melancholy tune of regret
of frustration
the small breeze of a promise that it would all get better
the pain would subside
the failure of my breath would discontinue
i maybe could breathe up in the clouds
or down in the dirt
where fresh flowers are wilted
but the smell still captures the air

but then i thought of you
and i realized your face when you found out
and i couldn't bear
to fail you again.

The fact was, I didn’t want to because I was afraid of addiction.

But then I had this thought—
1. if you do it right, it’ll only be once so you won’t have to worry about that.

That’s how it all starts, right?

2. Just this once,
you swear it to yourself,
only one time.


Except we all know it’s never just once.


3. You don’t even want to, but at this point it’s become more sort of a, “Why not?”.

4. Staggered footsteps and a headache later, you forget your feelings.
Regret doesn’t matter when you’re too busy giggling at the spinning ceiling about nothing.


5. But then you crash.

And you’re tired.
You’re so ******* tired.


6. Rinse and repeat.