When an attack hits
I become still
Trying to find shelter and isolate myself
In fear of hurting those around me

I become violent
Using my fists as my defence
Using my words as a warning
Using my brain as my weapon

They turned me into this
A dissociated being
No longer able to act
No longer able to live

But why would I apologize for being a monster?
Had anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?

As the noise increases
I feel the tension rising
I need an outlet,
I need saving

I feel like I'm drowning,
trapped in a box
with a vice grip against my chest
and I can't escape it at all

My chest is tightening by the second
I take a deep breath, just breathe
Nothing helps but music,
something I'm in dire need

I've never been to the doctor
so I don't know if these are 'attacks'
but that's what I've started to call them
because that's what it feels like to me

2:00 am
you feel it coming
creeping up
try to ignore it
but it's making an appearance

2:11 am
can't close your eyes
like the surrounding darkness
has them pinned open
heart rate accelerates
for no reason

2:16 am
can't breathe
like your lungs are collapsing
crushing your heart
causing an aching heavy chest
you keep trying to stay calm

2:21 am
frantic
shaking and shaking
both your body and breaths
rocking back and forth
clutching knees
stomach
chest
holding yourself in attempt to steady your insides

2:29 am
tears fall
as panicked eyes search the room
looking for something to slow the chaos
but the thoughts march on
with the rushing blood in your veins

2:34 am
now up and pacing
collapsing on the floor
screaming through sobs
gripping hair
hitting walls
uncontrollable

2:48 am
blacking out
from lack of oxygen
****** knuckles and bruised skin
from punching anything
to release the built up energy
boiling within

2:55 am
slowed breathing
heart still racing
softly crying
confused on why
this seems to happen
why

3:00 am
sleeping far from soundly
heart still racing
exhausted from a fight
anxiety attacks
at any moment
you lose control

I'm convinced that having anxiety gives you radar
You can spot people with anxiety from a mile away
And when you see them
You just want to hug them
And tell them it'll be okay
and you wish someone would do that to you
but that takes a lot of energy and fighting with yourself and we're all terrified of rejection and vulnerability and ******* talking to people
The tell-tale signs become more obvious
The little ticks
Shaking legs
Tapping fingers
Grinding teeth
Rubbing hands together
Pulling at clothes
You know because you catch yourself doing them all the time
You'll know its a bad day when you can see the red mark over the scar tissue on my bottom lip
You can measure by how my nails look
Or how filled in my eyebrows are
because my fingers decide to declare war there when I'm not paying attention
I swear, when I'm stressed, I can never get the taste of blood off of my tongue
Like an iron key in my mouth
The entropy in my head is enough to drive a physicist mad
Panic attacks aren't always apparent
Sometimes it's just being overly quiet
And your lungs forget how to be lungs
and you just remember the lights
or the floor
or how everything blurs at the edges
Breathe.
I see shopping carts, soap dispensers, street lights, desks, your car window
I can touch the water, her hands, the table, the doorknob
I hear cars passing, people talking, the song you would sing to me
I smell oil and tires
I taste blood.

You ever felt so lost?
Like your life had a path,
but you went off track
and cant find your way back?

The hands of depression grab a hold of me,
grip as strong as graphene.
Drowning me while I'm still breathing.
Brainwashing me of my happiness.

Through all the pain I finally scream out
"Enough is Enough!"
but it just echoes through the tunnels of loneliness.

Anxiety wraps around me like a straitjacket,
pulling me under the waves of life and socialization,
drowning me in the depths of the oceans with it's sinking anchor.
Pulling me deeper and deeper until the sands of a panic attack tickle my feet.

Thoughts in my mind swarm me like bees of a disturbed nest.
Tears in my eyes overwhelm me in the same vein a thunderstorm in a desert.

Numbing the pain with sleep, alcohol, and cigarettes.
I've smoked so many cigarettes my demons are addicted to nicotine.
But nothing can numb the pain of being stuck in your life.
The smoke will never fade them away.

Maybe one day I'll live life instead of fighting it.
"Maybe one day," I tell myself to keep going.
Maybe one day.

maybe.

My insides crash
And my lungs explode
And my eyes squeeze shut
And everything is urgent.
Muscles tense like that last argument -
You yelled, I cried.
Isolate. Isolate.
Go away.
Numb, yet bursting with pain;
Shot down & wounded.
Truly an attack.