It's funny how when you were younger, you would say in your mind,"I would never do that." Here I am doing all the things I said I wouldn't do, self harm, anorexia, suicidal thoughts.

the shade below your rib cage
inhales gusts of wind
as blue rain
wets your hips
breakfast beckons

your Tulips talk too much
and aren't fed enough
rest the words
eat your whole
darker hallows
bless your soul

Mirror mirror on the wall
Tunnel vision on the flaws
In the scale of things it’s unimportant
So no talking but it’s still an intrusive thought

Tried hard to correct it
But nothing was effective
No-one else seemed so obsessed with it, things were desperate
Until the voice crept in

I can help you, trust me, you’re ready

It seemed dangerous
But it said to have faith in it

The secret is to just be empty

Didn’t know if it was wise to listen
But what could it hurt to try?

P1:
And at first it was working
But then things were emerging
Cracked lips and Tired eyes
I’m hungry with no appetite

I’m shivering and shaking, and I tell myself it’s fine, but
You can’t fool your body, you can only fool your mind, yuh

Empty
I just need to be empty
Hide from anybody who’ll prevent me
Just fill up on water and shame
No, I’m not hungry, I just ate

I’ve developed a taste for this
Endure the neverending ache
Convince myself I’m in control and it’s not
All that voice that makes me sick

C:
Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
I’m looking but I can’t see myself

Inside it’s empty
Ana- I know it’s wrong
But it’s so hard to stop it alone

V2:
Been getting even worse
All the days begin to merge
Just a blurry haze and now it’s
Almost second nature to ignore the urges

Can’t trust my own nature
Every calorie a failure
Gotta push the intake down every day
‘Cause the voice comes back to say

You want to eat?   Bite your tongue

Don’t want to stay an embarrassment
just have to stomach it

They don't know what you want
A tug of war against common sense
don’t wanna believe that I’ve overstepped

P2:
But it’s so overwhelming
And I hope no-one can tell
‘Cause the numbers keep decreasing
This ordeal is becoming routine, check

Arms back neck thighs **** it in and Pinch my sides
The scales are betraying me, the mirror is a lie, yeah

Numbers
It all comes down to numbers
I know it’s wrong but
Just because you know you’re colorblind
doesn’t mean you can see the colors

Fine, I admit I’m addicted
But the hunger feels good, how do I quit this
I know I could die, I’ve seen the statistics
But the voice is with me through thick and thin

Bridge:
I can reach out
To someone not like me
If you ask for help it doesn’t make you weak

I can reach out
ignore what the voice tells me
I can help my mind learn to trust my body
*Credit to JaidenAnimations & Boyinaband

I don't know who I am without her.
Before Ana I was a child and in the in be tweens  been fighting to get away.
                 But who does that make me?
First child.
Then starving hatred.
With dashes, small sprinkles of wanting recovery.
               Wanting Salvation, but knowing nothing other than how to hate and how to punish because I've forgotten what it is to be a child.
Now I know how to starve better, to be hungry longer.
I know How to please her, which is how I please myself.
             But does that really make me happy?
             Is this what I was meant to do?
Was I meant to live inside the cage of my mind, doomed to this suffering?
   For what?
      To reach my ideal of bones?
What does this make me?
           Who would I be without her?
                 How would I live without these guidelines?

let me tell you how it all happened

they'll tend to tell you bullies caused it
or that everyone has the same experience
and it starts because
other people
forced it to

but what i have to tell you
is that i did it to
myself
i'm a turncoat
to my own flesh

i would look in the mirror and see
a gut
and suddenly
that was all i could see

no matter if my calves were toned
or my arms were sticks
i saw that gut
or my
curdled thighs
and that was all

so i'd say i wasn't hungry
or i'd "sleep" through a meal
and i'd work extra hard at practice
pretend i wasn't always run down

and even if i'd pass out
or struggle to stay awake
i'd pretend like it was sleep
i was depriving myself of sleep

and you know that cycle
in every anorexic girl's story
where her body bloats before it thins
because it's trying to protect her

i went harder in that stage
so i could lose the weight that made me a 2
instead of 00
and i would cry myself to sleep
because i was in pain
mental
and physical

but i couldn't stop the
taunts
i gave
myself

my dad would tell my friends
to make sure i would
eat
but i never listened

and now i look back
and see my former shell-f
a self that had no self
a self that was only

a shell

a turncoat

anorexic

Crying,
Over the bathroom scale because I think the numbers are taunting
Smiling,
Because if people actually saw how I was feeling they'd avoid me.
Hurting,
Because I'd rather bottle it up than tell anyone
Dying,
Because not eating is more appealing than being happy.

I feel it
I hate it
I can stop it. I can eat.
Food tastes guilty.
I lie,
I starve.
I hide the fact that I'm hungry,
But I'm not going to eat.
Not yet.
Not until I've taken control