It is not possible to erase
Those thoughts, that pain
Those tears, that anguish
Each time i touch them
They awaken again
Like fire from a slumber

Let’s dip gently in goodness

In smiles, in God’s glory
In music, in nature
A little bit here
And then some there
Some sweetness
Some love
Some beauty

Dissolving

Moment by moment
The saltiness of tears
Cleansing the anguish
Healing the pain
Drowning in goodness
All darkness and shame

Tears appear once more
Sweet like a smile
Wrapped in inexplicable joy
Our heart blooms
    And offers itself
        At the altar
                Of peace
                        Dancing
                                with love

Mosul streets I walk,
Blood on every corner,
Innocence dead and lost,
Somebody please take me away.
This warzone has become,
A hell too much to bear,
There is no life for some,
While others die in despair.
Mosul streets I walk,
Counting bodies on the path,
There is no end to this gore,
No point in keeping false hopes.

We lay in the bed
My red singlet was all that was between the warmth of our skin
It had white polka dots on it
Do you remember?
The scent of you in the bedding was like heaven to my mind
I was in the place I had dreamt of being time and time again
This was it
This was real
We could finally be
I had began to doubt that love could ever be between two souls so incredibly lost
I felt the roughness of your hand slide over my abdomen
I so badly wanted to take that hand to places I'd never had hands before
We didn't know what love was
Having not been taught by those supposedly near
Confusion
****** anguish
Fear
I knew you were afraid
I could feel the fear you held
It was based around being afraid of hurting me
I only wonder now
Had you hurt someone before?
Or was it you who was hurt?
Within your soul the pain was evident
I didn't sleep a wink that night
I didn't want to miss a moment of your arms around me
Your warmth against me at last
The safety and security I had been without was finally within
It was love
My first love
I miss that
I know what I miss is more than an idea
More than a perception
I wonder if you miss that too.

My flesh crawls, and my blood flows
As I attempt to turn to marble
True stasis
Homeostasis
Oh to maintain beauty to be gawked by muses
And to never have been alive, merely beings of retired faith
But unsurprisingly, just as pointless
I sigh…
I may parish in mind and finally body
But marble will diminish slowly
******
All while watched and attemptedly preserved
I breathe.
Homeostasis

Teardrops on a book,
Take flight in the harsh morning air;
Turning into particles of ice,
Just as the cold feeling stinging my body internally and externally.

Days like these,
I wonder what my friends are doing,
And I wish I could be with them,
But instead I am sitting here;
Lost, disillusioned, hopeless, and cold.

Nothing on me to light a fire
In this dark place
Only my instincts can save me
A shattered heart and torn soul
But I’m still holding on
There’s not much hope
But I hold faith
That one day I’ll make it free
From this place
I’ll do everything it takes
To get out of here alive
It’s not as easy as it sounds
The hardest things take time
And this is an endless war
Between a conscious mind
Of doubts and regrets
That fill an insomniacs head

All these monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
Hellhounds chase me down
For many monsters, I have slain
But there were only more that came
It’s just the monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
I’ve followed winding roads
Hid in dying woods
Snuck through the marsh
Covered my scents with mud
In this land, it’s always dark
Woods with leafless trees
It gets lonely here in purgatory

Can you hear the howls,
screams and cries
Deafening to the ears
It’ll make you tremble and shake
You can’t give into fear
Or you won’t make it alive out of here
I’ve been facing down monsters one at a time
Too many at once and they’ll eat you alive
It’s not easy to decide
Which one will be next
Just hope that you don’t mess up
And end up dead
I’m locked and loaded
With guns in hand
I’m prepared as I’ll ever be
I’m gonna make it out of here eventually

All these monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
Hellhounds chase me down
For many monsters, I have slain
But there were only more that came
It’s just the monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
I’ve followed winding roads
Hid in dying woods
Snuck through the marsh
Covered my scents with mud
In this land, it’s always dark
Woods with leafless trees
It gets lonely here in purgatory

The battles are far from over
Still on guard, ready to defend
Every corner I turn
It gives them a new chance
To catch me off guard
And rip me apart
I’ve got a lot of scars and marks
Barely scraped through
some of my past fights
At the last moments
I was able to turn the tides
How much longer
Can I keep myself alive
I guess the future holds the secrets
Just gotta keep moving
Until I find the exit light
And break free
of this apocalyptic dream

All these monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
Hellhounds chase me down
For many monsters, I have slain
But there were only more that came
It’s just the monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
I’ve followed winding roads
Hid in dying woods
Snuck through the marsh
Covered my scents with mud
In this land, it’s always dark
Woods with leafless trees
It gets lonely here in purgatory

I’m panting
Taking a deep breath
Bite wounds in my leg
Hellhounds found me out
All is lost now
Guns are out of reach
Might as well accept my fate
Just give in
Let the monsters win
Sometimes you can’t beat a sin
Unless you devote
your unconditional love to him
This was something I never did
So where I’m going is uncertain
Now it’s finally time to
Let the curtain close
Shut my eyes
This is it
I’m torn to bits

All these monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
Hellhounds chased me down
For many monsters, I have slain
But there were only more that came
It’s just the monsters and me
Stuck here in purgatory
I’ve followed winding roads
Hid in dying woods
Snuck through the marsh
Covered my scents with mud
In this land, it’s always dark
Woods with leafless trees
I died alone here in purgatory


(To be continued...)
©2018 Written By Benji James

I wreck my mind, searching for the worst parts of you to write about
I want so bad to feel nothing but resentment towards you
To erase everything good you have ever done
To pretend that you were anything but good to me
To convince myself that you are the antagonist in the story that is my life
To say it was you who broke my heart, despite how incomplete it was when you found it
I fail to think of anything unpleasant to write about you
For your presence was the most divine gift life had given me
So I come up with lies, in hopes of convincing myself (if not everyone else)
In hopes of restoring my desire to continue to exist without you
In hopes of averting an impending calamity

I see in perfect circles
rings darkening my eyes
I rest in perfect slumber
while beneath starry skies

I turn in perfect anguish
so perfect are my aches
I live in perfect numbness
feeling nothing but the breaks

I wish in perfect prayers
to each and all the gods
I wail in perfect outrage
while I'm up against the odds

I think in perfect madness
never feeling like I'm here
I smile in perfect detachment
hoping I might disappear

I'm feeling imperfect
perfectly stuck
knee deep in the mud
down in on my luck