These red lines cover my paper skin
____________________
­Like a pen dragged
___________________
­Over
___________________
­And Over
___________________
­And Over
___________________
­These red lines slice through my paper skin
___________________
­My pen breaks
___________________
­Red bleeds
__________________­
Covering the page
____________________
­Every night
___________________
­Over
___________________
­And Over
___________________
­And Over......
________________­__

My mind is a battleground
I fight all day and all night
            this is your own fault
My body shows my battlewounds
Scars and bones and scratches
            you did this to yourself
I need to eat
   but you can't
It's just food
      but it's not
My minds thin
         but you're fat
This is breaking me
            I'll fix it for you
I'm going too far
               you're not far enough
I need to turn back
                  that's not an option
Release me
                     not happening
I've gone too far
                        push it a little further
I can't
I            can't
I                           can't
I                                                can't
I                                                                    can't



                                                                           *I think you've gone too far

Dazed, mind filled with xanax dust.
I'm questioning who I am
When I look in the mirror I do not see myself
I see a stranger
With bags under her sunken in eyes
And her eyes, they look sad
Lifeless, dead
And her body
Her body's ugly, fat, disgusting
Covered with marks, scars, burns.
But as I look at this person in the mirror
I am over came with the urge
To hurt her, to feed her pills and potions
Because some how I think I am her
I am the sad girl in the mirror with the cuts down her arms
and the bags under her eyes
I just don't want to believe it
Believe I've wasted away
To xanax dust and cuts.

'If you are fat then what am I?'
No you are mistaken
I do not see others as measurements
that is something I hold to myself
I need to loose weight
for the achievement
for control
for me to feel mentally stable
I need not hear about how
'it's not attractive to be that thin'
because I don't give a ****

I wake up I get ready for school, skip breakfast, it's hard but I pretend i'm still full, from the dinner I never ate last night, Ana tells me I will be alright, I don't even know, I put on some baggy clothes so that there's none of me to show, my skin, or my bones, I look in the mirror I don't see myself I see what I used to be, I had friends, I wasn't self-conscious, my smiles were real, but that is not me, now i'm almost skinny, Ana says shes helping me become someone better, more improved, I feel like my whole body is bruised, like i'm dying, always lying, "i'm not hungry", I always feel blue, my head is pounding, surrounding my life with Ana, I can't even enjoy one banana, your pulling me in, I just want to be thin. I get on the bus and pretend I don't hear the voices in my head, there's nothing left to be said, I just want to go home and get to bed.

This glass surface shows myself
It shows how I look, how I twitch
It shows my kinks and flaws
I see how big I am, over run with fat
I see how I wish I looked
Eat an apple go on a run
Eat fruits and veggies
  This glass surface shows myself
It shows my face, my slight collar bone
It shows my pale skin and dull hair
I see I've gotten bigger, wider than before
I see how I wish I looked
Eat some granola maybe some water
Skip a meal maybe two
  This glass surface shows myself
It shows my ribs and my hips
It shows my sullen face and jutting bones
I see I'm still big, as fat as before
I see how I wish I looked
Fast today, Fast tomorrow
Drink some water and have a *******
  This glass surface shows myself
It shows a skeleton with skin
It shows my brown eyes, void of light
I'm bigger than I'd ever thought was possible
I no longer see how I wish I looked, just fat
Fast today, Fast tomorrow
Fast the next week and the week after
Stop consuming stop the fat
If you don't eat you can't gain

Most people don't know this but only 1 out of 5 guys will be diagnosed with anorexia and 2 out of 3 girls will be diagnosed with anorexia. People think guys can't have it. Well truth be told they can and they do diagnose or not. People really do this, they hate them selves because a piece of glass said to. Society just fuels it. I'll be honest and say that this is true for me.
                 ~<>~Jinxx~<>~

Am I thin?
Please tell me if I am.
Am I skinny?
I'm trying to get there.
I'm dying  *for your approval.
110 pounds...
100...
90...
How far can I get before I faint?
Before I'm enough --
Not* enough?

The faded flicker of the far off clock was my only source of light. Until I picked up my phone and let my 2 A.M. thoughts run rampant. They made my fingers race across the screen. Made them play tag. They swiped and pinched until finally there you were. At 2 A.M. you were in my hands again. You're smile was as wide as ever and your eyes held the same glitter like they did when you used to talk to me. And You spoke about me even more. People would often come up to me and say that my name was all that would slip off your tongue. And I remembered that snake. The first time it brushed against my lower lip wanting access like a lion knowing that there was more to life than it's own cage. But to everyone, you spoke of me like I was the one who made the sun rise, who put the stars in the sky, who made the wind blow, and who made your world as you knew it turn.
My 2 A.M. thoughts made my fingers dance again. And another you appeared before me. All dressed up. Like we were married. But far from it. We sat like we had to save space on the Mayflower. I was in your lap and your arms were around my fragile frame. And I knew I would never love someone as much as I loved you that night. And my 2 A.M. thoughts brought me to the messages. Where are little "I love you more" fights were held and our futures were voiced. Remember that?
I was only a few months older than you. And I remember saying that I had to wait longer for my soulmate to come to me. And there you were again. In my head talking to me when we were bestfriends. While tapping on the plastic on the screen, the fingers fought for their right to voice the will of my 2 A.M. thoughts.
And I wrote about how I met you so far, way back when. I wrote about the dances we went to, the dates we laughed about. And then ultimately the 2 A.M. thoughts brought me to the deepest places I never wanted to let set free again.
And they scrambled on the keyboard of the phone! CAPS LOCKs, sorrys, pleads, and begs. Explanation after explanation and so many what if's. And I read it and read it. And only now did I realize that I was choking on the tears that you left me with. And I continued with the rant, and blamed you for what happened and blamed you for the causes. And then I stopped. And wept into the cold tear stained pillow, screaming into it like it was my last shot at everything I could ever have been. And once I felt numb enough to pretend that it wouldn't bother me anymore I let the small sobs escape my quivering lips and I destroyed the barrage of words that was my 2 A.M. thoughts. And instead willed my hands to let the fingers dance once more as I typed:

You're coming back, right?

_____

You're coming back right (sent 2:35 A.M.)
  (read 2:36 A.M.)

. . .

And the dots they came.
And I waited.
But inevitably,
Just like you,
They left me with the question:
You're coming back, right?