I love you
Even if I'm not supposed to

I need you
Even if I convince myself that I don't

I want you
I know you will never be mine [ again ]

And ... I crave you
Even though you're a breathing sin.

I can remember this moment just as clearly as if it happened an hour ago. there was this one night you texted me, long after you said you'd gone to sleep, and told me you couldn't stop thinking about me. It was early in our relationship, so it made sense, honeymoon phase and whatever. But it still makes me smile so much because it was brilliant, unromantic you staying up into the wee hours of the night thinking of crazy, turbulent me. It was ever so poignant considering how much I disliked myself then and how much I adored you.

You started messaging me with song links and lyrics, clumsily trying to explain why certain lyrics totally fit how you felt about me and only those parts. It was adorable and even now I can close my eyes and picture myself curled up and so in love with this clutzy expression of affection.

The song you kept on talking about, half drunk with exhaustion, was a song called "Always". You quirkily were insisting to ignore the parts of the songs that were negative, and just focus on the parts that talked about always thinking of me and having trouble living without me, or something. It was so late at night and so silly and so incoherent, but I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones, my blunt boyfriend getting all mushy about me.

I know we have some problems right now. I need to stop erupting and blaming my issues on you. You need to stop threatening the end of our relationship when I upset you. I need to give more focus on to bettering our relationship and myself for it. You need to open up again.

But when I can close my eyes and remember the guy who cried over the first poem of mine he read, or the one who couldn't handle seeing me so hurt when you first learned about it, and the one who's so brilliant, who's so determined, and strong, and you, I can't fathom letting that go. Letting you go.

Recently in one of my classes my teacher talked about the mystery of why writers, who sometimes don't like people very much, still talk to a lot of people. I know why I do. People fascinate me, how they think, how they act. And I think I love learning how you think the most. It fascinates me. It may not be my way, and it may not be what I think is best sometimes, but its mesmerizing watching you be you. Watching you do the things you do. Not only do you supplement my emotion-driven, wild, writing ways, but you always inspire them. You inspire me. I never feel a need to be you, but I always feel a need to be better for you, for us, and for me. I always feel a need to grow. Maybe sometimes it kicks my *** when I need to take a breath, but in the end?

I'm going places. I hope to always go places with you.

I know going back doesn't work. I know I don't exactly want me back then either. But I know with you I have moments with you, with me, with US, that always just make me stop, take a breath, and smile with how wonderful to me they look.

You're wonderful, dear. Not perfect, I will kick your cute *** before you start going there, but just right. Just what I need.

I don't really know where I'm going anymore. I just love you. I think I always will.

Always.

Never knew that word would ever make me smile instead of curl up in fear. Well, I guess that's where I'm at, love. Even when its hard. Even when I need you to alter things a bit. Even when you're frustrated with me because I'm not where you want me to be. I may not like you that second, but of course I'll still love you.

I always will.

Hello sunrise,
My shining subtle friend.
Will you stay with me forever,
No.
For now well  just pretend.

Goodbye darkness,
I confided in deceit,
The secrets that we keep,
Inside
Could bring me to my knees.

Farewell tomorrow,
I loved you in my dreams,
The days go by in couplets
Wise.
But alls not as it seems.

Hold me right now,
Your touch is golden beams,
I've felt you wrap your arms around me
Tight.
And constricted my beliefs.

Here's to yesterday,
The best still yet to come,
Manipulate my finest words
And guise them as a pun.

This morning,
I lost an earring.
Last year,
I lost you.

And you're not around now,
You won't see me graduate.
And you're not here,
So you wouldn't know how much I miss you.

And sometimes I wonder if it's better,
If those childhood stories about Heaven are true,
If you've gotten your memories back,
Your happiness back.

And I know that we had good times,
That plastic teacups were more important
Than plastic chairs bolted down
In uncomfortable hospital waiting rooms.

But maybe I'm being selfish,
Wanting you to be here with me.
Maybe I should be grateful that I even knew you,
That I had the honor to call you Pappy.

And I'll always miss your thick glasses.
And I'll always miss the way you sang just because you felt like singing.
And I'll always miss how you laughed.
And I'll always miss you.

And this morning,
I lost an earring.
But at least I can find it later,
Sitting on the bathroom sink.

April 14, 2008 was a Monday. My family had just moved into a new house, we were starting a new life, and I was starting a new school. I was 10 years old then. I thought that moving schools and leaving all my friends behind was the worst thing in the world, the worst thing that could ever happen. I didn't realize it then, but moving was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. At Mulberry Elementary, I was put into Mrs. Bell's fourth grade class. I remember the principal standing behind me with her hand on my shoulder as I tried not to make eye contact with all the faces who were staring at me. I was terrified. I think the teacher could tell how scared I was. She sat me beside of a blonde haired girl named  Katlyn. I was an over weight, ginger kid with glasses; and Mrs. Bell knew she was the only one who would be nice to me. That year, she was the only one who was nice to me. I remember thinking how weird this girl was with all the faces she made. I also remember being confused, because the way she made me feel inside, was something I had never felt. Soon enough we became best friends. We were inseparable. Throughout the years we have gone our separate ways, had a couple of fights, and even more kisses. It was always you I came back to in the end. They say that love is kind, and patient, and works in mysterious ways. And now there's one more Love to add to that.
One day in fourth grade, I took her hand and looked her in the eye. I about broke down as we promised to be best friends for forever and sealed it with a pinkie promise. Today, I married my best friend and sealed it with a kiss...and a pinkie promise.

It doesn't matter what happens
Though I'd like to control what will
I don't know how, what and when
But I do know one thing,
I want you and I choose you

No matter how lost I am in the darkness and chaos in my head
There's nothing that could keep my vision away from you

In every version of reality
All of it combined and all kept apart
It would say the same

It would say,
I want you in forever
And choose you for *always

Emptiness* again,
Unable to find my way back
to emotion.
Alone
Unheard moans
Mentality ripped in my mind
Unable to find a single shred
of hope
Utter Fear
of the Sea's Noose and Rope
looking *inviting

Always there
Always lapping
Always waiting

I looked at you
For far too long
To be able to distinguish it
From an eternal love
And yet it was so short
I'll keep being reborn
Until you realise
How it is your breaths that hold my life

You shone
For far too long
To get the envious eyes
Of everyone we have ever known
And yet it was too short
My heart wrote you a poem
But I could not get the words out of chest
Soon enough

A silver doe
Showed me a way
Out of the misery I had wove
around myself
Long enough till it was properly gotten rid of
But just when I turned to caress it
I saw its light fade in the sunlight

Your dark eyes
A mystery in their own, intimidated I stood still
Reading into your shadow
And just when I mustered up my courage
To ask your name
You exploded
And that is how stars were born.