My body betrayed me in ways I never thought possible
I can’t eat, I can’t emote, I can’t exist
Not without itching, tingling, wheezing, gasping for air
I’m rapidly losing control over my life
My world was already so small—and now it’s getting smaller
The list of foods I can’t eat is growing as my will to keep going…shrinks
Why must struggles beget even more struggles?
Why can’t I be allowed to be happy?
Exist in a beautifully carefree manner?
My spirit screams to express but my body says no
You’re not allowed
All I can do is tearfully write my feelings on a page while I agonize at all I have lost and will lose
I am missing out on the human experience I crave
I just want to be well
I want to breathe easy
I want to be healed
Yet I am here, in my bubble, alone
Forever

As I sit here in my bed,
I think about life.
The daring natures
that are thrown at us from afar.
The temptations entice us.
Like predators,
they hunt out our fatal flaws as if it's just our human frailty to give in to such nonsense.
Leaning closer to such temptations with curiosity dripping from your eyes,
you cant your head to one side.
And you become mesmerized by the demonic allurement.
These forces attract you and involuntarily haul you into their fallacious lies.
Now you've been brainwashed,
and don't know right from wrong.
These lies indoctrinate you,
and teach you their tactless ways.
There's others all around you,
but you don't seem to notice them.
When they try to help you,
you become oblivious to what's going on.
You rarely let others in,
only when the cacodemons take a break.
Others try to debunk the situation for you,
but you see nothing illogical.
Only when reality hits you,
do you become scared of what it's done.
You pretend like nothing happened,
and the vile temptations realize they still got you.
They start to reel you in again,
starting where they ended off,
pretending like nothing ever happened.
As if you never tried to escape.
But....
each time they get you back,
it becomes harder and harder to abandon them.

I feel so alone
Like I got no home
I just want to roam
Check out the unknown
But I'm just a girl living in a semi-dangerous world
Try to keep my pack
Knives stuck in my back
Can't trust anyone
Can't love anyone
Nowhere I belong
Wish I could be strong
All I ever am is wrong

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult experiences you've had to endure. It's understandable that the fear and pain you felt at a young age would have a lasting impact on you. It takes a lot of strength to trust yourself and listen to your inner voice when those around you have caused you harm. And it's not easy to carry the weight of grief and brokenness within you.

But I'm glad to hear that you found solace in words and were able to use them as a tool for healing. It's amazing how writing can help us connect with ourselves and the world around us. It's inspiring to see that you were able to break down some of those protective walls and allow yourself to live in the present moment.

I want you to know that you're not alone and that it's okay to feel vulnerable and fragile sometimes. You are brave and resilient for continuing to listen to your heart and your inner voice, even when it's hard. And I hope that you continue to find ways to express yourself and connect with the world in meaningful ways.

I only know what it means to miss someone; never have I known what it means to be missed.

Silent. Dark. House
All the time I'm thinking
of you, your silent steps

in my memories of
your steps in this house
blindly in the dark

from my confusion to
the love under my fear

a void now, no voice
to shout, no tears
no longer a body, lost

if I were to leave here
or live a different life
if I would like to