I believe everything
Happens in a sequence
In an order

I don't need to be
Versed in religion

To understand that
Every test, every sickness

Is moulding me
Into a more concrete form

One with unshakeable foundation

Through every pain
Along my incision side

Made me softer
To other people's pain
And yet I'm grateful for it

The pain yesterday is worse
Than today's pain

And yet with that I still
Don't glorify pain

I just think it's the only way
That I truly learn

we went for a drive, once, in late spring.

i told my mother i was seeing a friend. you told your pops you were seeing a girl.

i parked behind our local grocery store three minutes before six-thirty. you pulled up beside me three minutes after seven.

you kept your hand on my thigh, and when i laced my fingers in yours, you didn't let go. you told me you had a spot, but we couldn't find it - even in the summer sunlight.

so we parked by a mountain and climbed in your backseat, instead.

beforehand, you took off my shoes - side by side, like a habit. during, you pushed my hair from my face - carefully, like i was glass.

afterward, you cradled my head to your chest, and i watched you pluck threads from the cloth ceiling of your Buick.

"this means nothing. this means nothing. this means not a single, ******* thing."

you didn't say goodbye when you dropped me off.


(but you did kiss me, soft and slow. and you looked me dead in the eyes, a frown on your brow, and said,

"please. text me when you get home.")

heavy eyes sink, into my hollow
skull. finger tips blued, nails
chipped and worn. it began
with a coldness, washing over
my vibrant being. how I miss
the body, I once was. It pried
melodies from my throat, and
composed a dirge where they
resided. then, it filled my lungs
with sludge, that way, when
I cried out, the tune would
further corrupt. I lay helpless,
worn, and tattered. I do nothing
but lay, and wait, for the familiar
embrace, of health.

My heart aches for the life i never had.
Where I could stand sober,
Stand happy,
Or even stand at all;
without having the urge to harm.

In another universe.
Things would be so new.

There wouldn't be a me.
Without having a you.

We'd have the things we crave.
Our stomachs would be full.

There would be so much laughter.
There would be so much chatter.

Your smile would've never dimmed.
Your eyes would've never darkned.

We'd be a family.

There would be a fully set table.
There would be a fully set house.

Nothing would ever be fixed.
As nothing would be broken.

You would have stayed you.
I would have stayed me.

Now we are worlds apart.
Now we are left alone.

All I have are memories.
Even in time they fade.

There is no alternate universe.
And it's killing me everyday.

We will always be sisters.
We will never be the same.

My heart will always ache.

She languishes in silent grief, feeling unloved by the one to whom she bared her heart's every tenderness.