My memory beats in rhythm with my heart.
Spilling out snapshot flashes of life like a flick book's muffled cries.
Controversial plastic shell, elastic strap, stick insect mattel covetted for months
until Santa dropped it down the chimney,
almost as fast as she sprogged and regained her figure
- the original scrummy yummy mummy set to spread low self esteem.

My daddy said anyone can crank out a kid like she did,
as my mother ground her teeth to protest on behalf of her traumatised frame.
Strange, I almost became one of the lost - before I grew cells and self,
another fragile foetus swinging on a noose
from gallows where once a ****** failed to stayed closed.
Little life curled tight self soothing sings al na tivke iredem bim'nucha

My memory beats in rhythm with my heart
as I lie beneath my shroud of sadness filled with down shrinking from the light of day
I want to tell you that I love you,
that my heart brays, beats, bleets, breaks, aches for you.
My soul, spirit, self thrice chorus al na tivke iredem bim'nucha
as waters flow from deep to deep
where danger dances and solace is sought
from beyond the fruitless orchards and willows weeping
branches reaching out for you.

My memory beats in rhythm with my heart
surrounded by madonna, ***** and all betwixt
spheres of life protruding, pronounced, announcing themselves;
in streets where bundles, terrors, cherubs, banting, brat and bairn alike
shriek, scream, squeal, shout, squalk, squabble, sing
in a cacophony that makes my heart weep and ache in longing
to sing to self in solitude al na tivke iredem bim'nucha.

My memory beats in rhythm with my heart
pulsating thoughts, dreams, hopes of you through the whole of me.
Brought to my knees I seek wisdom, guidence, strength to let you go.
The river is waiting for you, you who I hold tight in my caul
trying to trust, seeking strength to hakshev le'ivshat haga'lim
holding the thought of you,
the love of you,
the hope of you
tight in my arms crooning my lullaby of lament
al na tivke iredem bim'nucha

Always and never
at the same exact time,
infinitely wondering about you
in rhyme.

It's painful and numbing,
and soothes me to sleep
yet keeps me wide awake,
dry-eyed
until I weep.

A memory of nothing
that was everything to me-
such a little long time
amidst the grand scheme.

A golden ticket to rot in hell,
a barren fate
I'll accept very well.

An altering strand
in a web of conscience,
my previous beliefs
now all make me nauseous.

A single star
with no constellation,
believe it or not-
my soul’s favorite destination.

I wish it never happened,
but I’d do it again
just to reprioritize
the time we would spend.

It’s not quite missing,
and I wouldn’t call it an ache;
my heart is perfectly fine
until she starts to break.

But if I unknew you-
if you just stayed a dream-
I’d know I’d never have to deal
with the relieving pain of your leave.

I don't say it much -
how deep the hunger is, to be loved.
how I give my heart so easily,
yet long for one to hold mine.
How I ache to be truly seen,
not just glanced at.

I love the way a photo can catch a moment of me,
how I wish my birthday meant more than just another day gone by.
I crave the weight of a letter, written by hand,
words shaped just for me,
and flowers picked with care, not out of habit -
as if someone looked at a bunch and thought,
this one is for him.

Or maybe, I just want arms to wrap around me,
to feel, even once,
that I'm not the only one keeping myself whole.

But I keep quiet.
I don't say how much I want to be loved.
Because what if, after all these words,
no one loves me at all?

my extremities are bound to your mahogany desk - what seems to be your working space. for the first time they are rendered purposeless, just drifting in your current like a priceless tonic. heavy torrents out there but i can't hear them. i know no amount of downpour can water down the sinful scarlet we caught ourselves into. we're about to roam wild and free tonight, where only my mind could reach.

so you commanded me to be on all fours, leaving gaps between my lips:
"spit...
spit out poetry and banters into my mouth.
spit...
spit out bitter truth that is hard for the night to bear.
i'm all ears, but im not sure if my heart can take it."

with you, i become my own libertine.