All these whiskey loving gentlemen,
Just trying to find some peace again.
They're fighting off questions,
Of their intentions and their existance.
They run the night with wild women,
And they always walk with rhythm.
And it's quieting their demons,
But they're screaming for a reason.

Stop waiting for fair
Stop trying to forgive
Nature is beautiful
And savage
And in the end,
Unbeatable

She will continue
With
Or without you.
She does not stop
To tally the ways we've broken her
She does not stop
To try to understand our actions
She understands
That the motions around her
Are out of her control
And she simply has too much
To keep in order
To pay attention to us


And though our actions
Make her have to work even harder
She does what she must
And though sometimes it feels
As if we are the ones in control
We are but a chapter in her story
A chapter that changes her
Irrevocably
A chapter that hurts her
And takes her beauty
To display on our walls
But she does not stop to worry
Or to remind us
Of our roles.
She simply continues on
In the understanding
That this world is hers.

As he watched her walk past,
I asked,
"Did you used to date?"
He shook his head,
And said,
"No we never dated,
But I have clothes still at her house.
And her mattress remembers the shape of my body.
No we never dated,
But her old toothbrush rests in the second drawer.
And my mother misses her when she goes to their favorite store.
She refuses to look at me when I'm out with you.
And when you are gone, I know she will come.
But no,
We never dated."

We are moments
Bound by bones.
Brought to life,
By heart and soul.
You are real
though you are just a sequence of light.
A hologram held still
in my line of sight.
Like guitar strings plucked,
A vibration of life.
You’ll echo through me
Long after I’ve died.  
And soon we will be
Consumed by time,
Melted clocks over branches…
Swept away by the tides.

But I feel you now…
In this moment, right here.
You’re the only thing I’m sure of,
So you’re the only thing I fear.  

Maybe if we
Just stay very quiet,
The world will keep moving
And we’ll slip right by it.

If only I could hold you,
Til the end of time…
I could die knowing
I lived a good life.

I'm starting to question,
Not the truth in your words,
But if their representation,
Matches their worth.
If it's real,
If you mean it,
There's no deadline.
Seal the deal,
Then get depleted,
Lingering like a punchline.
The worth of your words depreciate-
So much I can't appreciate,
A single thing you say.
Having anything means nothing,
till you can have it all.
Don't tell me that you want me;
You got no one else to call.

We're like a train,
You and me,
Chugging along,
As people ride with us,
Until they get to where they're going.

And once we get there,
They leave us,
Because they are finally okay
With being by themselves.

It's difficult to understand.
It's even harder to explain.
Though you are my umbrella,
You are also my rain.

When I speak of youth,
I do not mean the wrinkles under my eyes.

I refer to all the moments
That are so far away-
The scents that I can barely taste.
It’s all foggy now;
My skin is baggy now


How come they never told me
How quickly
You are no longer
Young
The world you were presented
Is no longer the real one
&all the cards you opened on Christmas
Are covered in script
From hands that are long gone
When I speak of youth
I speak of sunshine in the afternoon
The whole world feeling brand new
I speak of 90s movies in the living room
My moms hair
Spilling out of a clip
A Virginia slim
Hanging off her lips
She sits on the porch
With her legs crossed
I lay in the grass
After a bad round off
I look up through the branches
&see a cloud that looks like mountains
My brother screams heads up
As a football pegs me for a landing
I sit up and cry
My mom gets the ice
My brother says to breathe
That itll be alright
I blink the tears from my eyes
And when I open them
You’re a thousand miles away
I’ve got a 30 year old face
And my son looks just like you
But in a different way
It’s been years since I knew you were okay
I miss you everyday

Anxiety.
Shes taken so much from me.
I placed her on people
And situations.
But it was simply her and I,
Our voices shaking.

From the beginning,
I tried to escape her.
But she was so rooted
Inside of me.
My only release
Was to turn it all off
And trust the ground
In front of me.

Simple things,
Simple moments,
Became nightmares
And real fears
To look someone in the eyes
And try so hard to feel
absolutely
nothing

I could say it was the loss
I could say it was that night
But its not true

On the best day
With the best people
She tells me
I'll never be enough

And I can feel it,
I feel her right now.
Its the only way she let's herself out
I breathe
Steadily
Unsteady
My heart races
And slows
So that I start to feel sick
And you're looking at me
Wondering
What the hell im thinking
And I just want you to see
That I'm strong
But she's winning
As I sink
And I plan for her arrival
I look for the softest ground to land on
I try to inhale the fresh air
Until it fills my lungs
But the room starts to fade
And I know its her time
I count to 10
But usually don't make it to 5
And when I wake
To faces I've never known
They look away and laugh
And I just wish I was home.
I pick myself up,
Dust myself off
And fight the urge to explain myself
to the people that can't see her.

Sometimes I panic to accept that you're no longer around,
Until I see you smiling safe and sound.

So I let myself have it:
the time, the freedom.
And it hurts like hell,
But **** it's been fun.
I've risen with the moon,
And set with the sun.
I've outrun time,
And chanced my luck.

A club for the rich and famous
To sell their soul for an early exit
A party for one at an exclusive restaurant
Enough glasses on the table for four.
Appetizers
Dessert
A nice dress.
Oh yes,
Only the best

I'm different now.
I don't remember when I was that proud.
All that money I'd throw around,
All for the hopes of a friend.
It felt so good back then.

Now I stand with empty pockets,
No messages
No invites.
Gave it all up for love that disappeared at midnight.
You didnt come looking when I lost my slipper.
You went back to the party and got lost in the mirrors.
I wandered back to the life of labor
There was no fairy tale, there was no savior.

Love stories
Big dreams
Thought I was destined for greatness
I'm not special
Not unique
And it's time I should face this

It's okay to be normal
To be alone
To be boring

I am not a dream girl
I am real
I am flawed

Everyone is left
Lied to
Dropped

I am not special for being hurt
Being angry
Being bitter

Yes of course, I know I deserved better.
But so did he
So did you
Oh didnt we all

I've hurt before too
Made others feel small

There will always be a woman more beautiful
More free
A butterfly that hunters cant help but seek

Your journey is not mine
I will let it all go

Though I have nothing to my name
but my skin and my bones

I now carry a peace I have never known

I do not exist to exist to others

I simply exist
Because for some reason I do
I am nothing special.
I have nothing to prove.

Silence is like an old house.
The longer it goes untouched,
The more the damage spreads.
The home was left last loved and filled with warmth.
Laughter rang through the doorways,
And the sturdy floorboards held us high.
Much how I left you, with love and warmth and laughter.
And when I said goodbye I thought that light would last forever.
But just as the home grew weary in absence,
Such did you and I.
With no maintenance, the structure weakened as the days went by.
And speaking again after so long,
Felt as if I'd reentered that home.
I placed a foot on the hardwood
And expected it to not have changed.
But the plank was soft beneath me now,
And it no longer felt safe.
I was shocked at this idea,
That doing nothing
Could dismantle everything.
But in all those things I never said,
The darkness was able to
Crawl into your head,
Because it was more comfortable
Than the longing.

The stress sickens me.
It fights me as I swallow it down.
Like tentacles sticking to the inside of my throat,
Desperately trying to get out.
How do others suffer in silence?
How do they fight the tears away?
I look in the mirror and do not know myself.
I see only the pain.
I see concern when others look at me.
And even moreso when I pretend.
It is grotesque to watch,
As I battle myself within.
The words could be the same words
I used when I was at my best,
But they do not translate how they used to,
As my voice breaks and my heart beats out of my chest.
I've torn every bit of skin from my nail beds
And my mouth.
I've brought blood to the surface
More times than I can count.
I do not wish for more relationships,
Or anyone else to bring down.
I simply wish that it would stay inside me
Until no one else is around.
I should lock myself inside these walls,
Until I get back who I was.
But I fear the longer I am alone,
The further she will run.
And when I look into my baby's eyes,
I know I must allow it.
All the judgements, all the concerns,
And that there is no option to hide it.
I will shred myself down to the bone
And let them all see within.
I hold my son close against me,
And I know I would do it all again.

I hoped you'd never go
I'd wished you'd always stay
I always wished for snow
But the sky gave us rain;
We were broken from the start
It felt so good to break together
Swore you'd never break my heart
And now you swear it to another
I could say I'll miss you
People say a lot of things
I'll miss all your untruths
And the happiness they'd bring.

How can I forget about the day
that you and I vibed like that
and the whole world shifted to a new path

How can I forget that once upon a time
We were just humans
Full of love and understanding
Until we chose each other
And became each others undoing

When we put it all on each others shoulders
And decided not to hear each other

But I see it when you look at them
Full of love and understanding
Because they've put nothing upon you
Or you upon them

How do you not see the cycle
How can you not understand

That soon you could choose them
And they could choose you
And it would ruin everything
All your vibes and truth

And I would be on the outside
A ray of independent sunlight
Like I was that one night
Before you became my life

Happiness is usually a lot of work for me.
The moments when it comes easily are worth everything.
Such an intoxicating state of mind.
A drug I will chase for the rest of my life.

So how do I
Again feel beautiful
After hurting others
And neglecting myself
And how do I
Again feel youthful
Adding each scar
Like missed opportunities
Ive never really
Felt beautiful
Or youthful
And yet I notice their loss

I only see what I've had
But never what I've got

There's a time and place that you love me,
And for that I should feel lucky.
Though I crave it constantly,
I know that's so unhealthy.
So Ill let you go
into all of your dimensions.
I love you so,
but have I ever mentioned
how I also love the moon
and the stars above the mountains?
And the quiet as I swim
through the lake in the early mornin...
It seems I forgot how much I loved
anything but you.
Felt so wrong to pull away but
If I could tell you the truth,
Sometimes I like it better when you're gone,
So I can put on my favorite songs,
And get lost in the afternoon.
I've been so scared for far too long
That if I took the time
You'd carry on
Without me,
And I'd be just a memory.
But I think what I was really scared of
Is letting myself fall out of love
With the notion that I needed you
To be all that I wanted to,
And that I could be happy
Without you beside me.
So I begged you to keep me
And put everything aside,
To sacrifice what I had
When I left myself behind.
And though I do love you,
I am so grateful that you left.
I was never strong enough
To lay us down to rest.

Just as the night
can never be with the day,
We are who we are,
and that can never change.