maybe it's sort of pathetic how you were my very first thought in 2015
and how i couldn't watch you smile as the clock struck twelve but i guess i'm just never good enough for your presence
i hate how you're cold and i always burn and you could freeze me with your eyes if you‘d ever look at me but i'm only firing flames and you don't seem to notice and you're clueless to my sadness or just want to be
and you don't look at me anymore
you never smile and i never smile and i guess the world is a sad place and the stars don't shine and my heart doesn't sing and my lungs dont breathe without your smile
the sound of your name is my favourite melody and your voice is my favourite tune and you're the song i can't stop listening
and i noticed how your friend mentioned your name and then searched for a reaction in my eyes, he would stop for a second and scan my face for a change of the sound of your name and i feared they might see you behind my eyes because it's all i ever see,
he told me tales of how you missed your bus and chased it and i could just imagine your flushed cheeks, i guess you're used to this weather and he asked me about you and i just smiled and denied but it was all a lie since i still love you but to be honest i never actually stopped no matter how much i tell myself i did
you were my first dream of 2015 and i fear you're gonna stay just that when i want you in reality and i know these two weeks are gonna be hell without you but maybe hell is exactly what i need since you're my heaven, the heaven i don't even deserve and the moon is hidden behind the clouds and it feels like you're hidden behind time
i hope time doesn't erase you from my heart no matter how much i hate you,
maybe you'll never understand that you are the sun with a soul of a winter and i'm just a storm with a loud thunder.

my dad started smoking again,
but that's okay,
now we can share a cigarette
as he tells me about life being hard
and i tell him about how nobody loves me,
but then he will throw the cigarette on the ground
and hug me so tight, i'll actually
believe his lies.

i.
there's something melancholy,
something tragically beautiful
about loving someone who doesn't love you

ii.
there is a certain sadness
of bleeding for someone who
wouldn't even shed a tear for you

iii.**
and there is a certain romance
to reaching out and falling to the floor
and falling for you and crying silent storms
of unexpected kisses and warm hugs.