I was talking to a Friend

It was with you
I had weaved my cells
relentlessly, with

58 trillion cells
with 52 trillion cells
how would that look like?

We shed 600,000 particles
of skin every hour,
so how much had I shared,
shedding this skin with you
All these years?

We left beauty
across the world,
approximately 28 cities

Are those dust
Catching up with me now,
Why does my eyes
Keep swelling.

the last time I saw you, was in my dreams.

it was New York, and snow was hitting the border of my heart.

at the corner of my eyes, I looked at you from afar.

I wished it stayed.

the snow, the bedsheet, my heart.

Even if -

One day
I am
Totally destroyed

It's okay,
I won't
Blame you

Because I,
Allowed you
(Don't be a fool)

I hope in another space,
this very moment,
there lies another you & me -
and they are;
very much in love

The bar was crowded
hanging were the lights
that will absorb you
into the night
because you stared so bright

It reflects
the animosity your eyes
was speaking to me
perhaps it was unicorn,
speaking concurrently

I am pulsating
the beat was at my throat
very much like my heart
on the edge for you

Tell me, hang - man
(I died, hanging for you)

i was then 17
innocent, wild and free
yet, you came unattainable
to where you don't belong

i took you in
with out any much resonance
abide the guts swelling

you earned freedom
lust fame ; intellect
above my tentatively broken soul
that's where you belong

i was 20,
in the midst of chaos; i see you
stumped, drunk and worthless
i fell in your arms

i was different this time round
i thought.

your charm was beyond my ability
your soul was far o' broken
still, i thread this everyday
with little of what's left

I erned
We never belonged together.

Your initials popped up
on the corner of my screen
there wasn't any expectation
it was from you

upon opening after realising,
it was like the first time
we exchanged, words
a brief of melancholia

we have to clear things up
hastily packing, the scene so familiar
it'll be the last time -
i was greeted with doors
slammed into my face

I only want this, this and this
things that i no longer remember,
serve me no purpose,
please throw them away

what about your camera?
full of your faces
burn them into composites,
I was burning your face mentally

I hope down the road,
we can be neutral
my friends called you, *****
but I felt like a ***** every time

When night comes,
I lay my body
on every single bed I could find
I bare my heart
to every soul I chance upon

never filling it,
you left me empty,
incredibly, empty.

Between now and then;
this is all we really have
and, not have.

Between you and me;
tender love, tearing hearts
from afar.

Between your yes and no;
are all those words
I can't say.

Your varsity
churned chaotic
So achingly,
i had to withdraw
Into the Vast Ocean
which engulfed you
So I could, silently
embody you

I wasn't that
perfectly chilled
bottle of wine
that moist your lips;

I was brewed to
kiss your drunken stupor
in between your sighs,
in between your frowns

And I was only meant
for all the hung-overs,
you never count.

you planted kisses on my skin,
as if you were a kid painting on a black canvas
now that they've turned into bruises,
only reminding me each day of our embraces

bruises will fade,
so will everything?
Can you continue to paint my skin
in between our dreams where we meet?

Today I found out
Why I am stuck in
Repeating loops of
Thought about life,
Mistakes we make -

My Dorsomedial Pre-frontal Cortex ;
is screaming inadequacy
My Ventromedial Medial Pre-frontal cortex ;
is occupying every cells (so selfish)
My lack of Lateral Pre-frontal Cortex
&
Flickering,
Neural Paths

So,
You Were Right,
You Were Right,
You Were Right.

If You;
Can't even
Cross oceans
For Me

Then don't.

I was underwater
submerged for too long
my fingers are creased
my skin are coarse
and my soul, shrivelled

I heard you
beneath the water and
I followed your voice
I stayed afloat
just to keep my lungs
a-breadth

I thought I saw your face
but I was 10 feet under
and that was the circumference
we radiated

Hope was my only saviour
and my only calamity
it was an obsolete disaster
that we bury under

So, dear
don't save us.

it was high up above
and my feet dangling
off the edge
from where I sat
in between the flashes
of your arms and thighs
i caught off balance
and i felt i was walking
levitating and glorious
the last time i saw your eyes
and you walked out that door
i was brave and you were my
heroine but now i am addicted
and you are washing away
like the ebb and flow
of the waves that i drown
my carcass in.

I was five,
the last time
I combed my hair
I was always messy
always leaving it - casually

You, however
love dolls like the
one your mum bought
for your birthday

how you combed her hair
for every reason
you wanted a daughter,
so that when she grows,
her hair,
will form plaits
will weave
through the union of your fingers

But for now,
my hands have grown
accustomed combing
your thick black hair -
I mistook
for my child's

Now that you're gone
I comb my own
imagining its yours
all back to five.

Back to Back,
Your head fell
on the shoulder blade of mine

I crept within
the empty space
of your fingers

And followed
your strokes
back; forth
Tracing the sign
you said you belonged

For, the longest time
Yet
your face is the only remembrance I have

Where,
The proximity of my memory is bursting
to reach you

So,
stay tender
stay loving
stay. close.

You have an amazing heart,
which is both a blessing and curse.

I could die for you
but yet, you cant even
hold on.

Remember those nights

when i handed my heart to you
I will cry, it was almost like a ritual
a mother sending her daughter far away
knowing she might be in a better place
of security/happiness with,
the possibilities of isolation/ loneliness,
never returning to its own belonging
because after all, daughters are for departures

That was how i felt every single time

I bow down on my knees and held your hands
feeling the creases on your palms,
taking pauses in between the choking,
asking you to not break this very soul
it was a silent plea, i wished you listened
my heart was not an entity, it was a privilege
to loving you, the whole of you
that you never saw and never will -

You have not just broke my heart,
you broke my entire, the entire soul

and it was me, screaming.

You must be,
So happy
that even in,
My death
I, rejoice
for you.

Do not believe
any words
of someone
who writes;

it stops
the moment
they put down the pens
the moment the ink dries.

if I asked you to stay,
and you stayed.

can we build houses,
somewhere you would like to live
with your favourite colours.

would you like an attic,
or would you prefer a balcony with plants?

Perhaps, we should get a nice sofa,
with house full of your favourite lights and lamps.

you asked me what does
interlocking fingers mean to me;
I closed my eyes and silence filled the room
what I did not say was this -
I felt like my soul was interlocking with yours;
I felt like my heart becoming tender to you;
I felt like consuming you
and the moment just flashed past.

what I did not say was -
can you stay; just linger bit more?

Don't believe any single word
that has fallen off
A women's lip
that is shaped
like a moon.

Let us go
under the flickering lights
of this deserted highway
your face, reflection of the moonlight
I gasped, for air
Uncanny churned of loss words
My tips are craving for your lips
Move in, you waist around my fist
Your spine caved in to my touch
I feel your hair wallowed
And we relented.

I bled through self allowance
just to fufil the love
I once thought was amazing

The thing is,
2 years down the road
I still will do it

all over again.

I am fond,
Of times
When neither

Night or day;
Mattered

Because We,
Held them together
As one.

My ink craved to pen down
the infinity thoughts - emotive frequencies
for you. You fill up each millimetre of space
confined in my million cells
multiply by a trillion
on the single line page

My thoughts could only fathom
the air you drew
which circled round
and round, round

We italic
reach the same line,
empty all over again.

I walked into Cartier
Dark Blood Red
was their trademark
It was sophisticated

I had a catalogue of rings
placed in front of me
I was presented options
but you were clean and minimalistic
Rose gold, I thought

Visuals like merchandising projecting
our conversations on dresses, themes, flowers
how we'll travel the world, have a home
how our daughters will have my eyes
your nose and our names

we sat at the bay front
had a long conversation till 3 am
discussing how we are going to allocate our daughter's time with our parents, classes -
if they are going for ballet or musical classes

It was certain,
the air was greeted with a breeze
in silent acknowledgement

until now,
I only can blame
how some words fall apart
like the world does everyday

how love is never enough
how we are never enough
how I will never be enough

even if my bones are sore
to its nerves, I will be
Happy for you.


(I heard you are having a baby
I heard you are having a family
I heard you are happy & you chose her) - echoing

Being with you
is like marshmallow
with fire, caramelized

Becoming,
another, flavour.

We have walked
countless steps
across barren land,
vast sea, on
abandoned rocks,
our feet bounded
for each other

I am trying
so hard to find
my steps now
that you're gone
I have gave you
an invaluable piece
of me, thus
I do not even know
where do I start
because there was no end -

I woke up this morning
knowing you are leaving
why does my heart, ache?
that I have to drink into the night
was I seeing your face?
there's this portrait
in my mind every time
you turn around, your face
your nose, your lips and your eyes,

I was seeing, perfection
how could you be so perfect,
in all that I see?

We are diverging
along this straight path
We have split them into two
separate land, sea and rocks
We both, took our first steps -

I will gain acceptance
that We no longer
grow with each other
as somehow,
We have left each other behind

I wish you a safe journey,
may you meet incredible
events, joy and love
the world is round,
so will be our, love,

My love.

if
the ocean
can calm itself,
so can you.
we
are both
salt water
mixed with
air.

I love you
I wouldn't hold back the only undeniable thought I would speak to you
even when we will return to dust one day
even if the nimbostratus swallow the sky
even if the ocean leave the tides
I cross my heart
in you i see infinite celestial-ity
And for that -
I loved you

The tea is hot
Despite the atmosphere
At 10 degrees
That was the last time
I had tea with you

I asked you for a picture
You stood beside me, awkwardly
My sixth sense could tell me why
I placed my hands on your shoulder
My heart was colder than the weather wrapped in many layers

I was admiring your beauty,
In that background
But you were even better,
My love, My love
I thought we were invincible

The last time you bath me
Was full of reluctance
I was a child seated on a stool
The bathhouse was fogged up
It was blurry, so was your love too

Lately, I start swimming intensely
There was no where
For my weariness to participate
But, only in the water

I used to hate it when
My goggles fogged up
Because then,
The water would be blurry
But look how,
I seemed to have embraced
This certain kind of callousness

I remember telling you
If ever one day,
You have to make a choice between me & someone else
You do not have to,
I would have already chosen for you.

We were on the bus
it was scorching
outside was fogging
through the window pane
it might have been 33 degrees

We were seated -
I was inside,
next to the window pane
a silent gladness overtook
because you weren't the one
taking the heat and
I enjoyed basking it for you

You told me this coming
birthday of mine will be a blast
if I promise to be a good girl
I opened my eyes so wide,
you could see the end of my tooth

My birthday came,
you left 3 lines
on your word press,
and they seemed to be
mocking me, for believing.

Please, please, please,

be with someone who will buy you all of the hydrangeas off the shelves, who will wrap each bouquet with her naked hands.

Be with someone who will go to the moon for you, who will risk vertigo & seasick to bring you out to sea.

Be with someone who will buy you air tickets for every occasion, be in love in every city with you and romance you till 70.

Be with someone whose soul and heart will ache for you, Who will embrace you & accept you for all your flaws that they see stars within them.

Please, find someone who will name your Daughter after you ;because you are the most beautiful.

Please, be with someone that will carry you when you are weary, when you are sick, even when all she had, was spine full of injuries.

Please be with someone who understands, who has a soft heart. Who understands ego is lesser than, us, than, pride.

Lastly, be with someone who has the ability, stability to give you all the above.  

That I never did and never will.

Now the coast has lined up
they are in coherent,
splashing the same waves
and washing on the same bed

You are still there, watching them
engaging with the moon
nothing much have changed
but yet, everything did

My hair grew inches, with fervent curls
wrinkles on my face, surfacing
my heart, like your sweater - more worn
resembling that girl you loved,
that summer

You must have slightly aged too,
the face I grown distanced to

As we lay our bodies
beneath our knees,
we see those stretch marks across
you were still perfect

We hear the crashing,
it has come for us.

I have no clue
how many bottles
of wine it'll take
to console the pain
this time.

I've replayed the many times;
walking down the streets with you
and us, sitting next to a river.

Maybe because water is calming, so are you;
to me.

That night, I watched the river glistened,
under the city lights and it was,
ebbing and flowing.

Like my heart,
under your traffic lights.

I tend to forget,
that you dumped me
where you picked me up from

and now,

I don't really belong anywhere
not even in the same trash bin
want this same leftover

any more.

**** someone
miss her
dont even
preach about
longing-sentimentality
because she
Is already
******* dead.

The Slits
you pry through my windows
pain my veins
Maybe take them away,
into your fantasy and bleach the spots,
so i can remind my senses,
to let go.

It is hard not to think of you, and it gets trying
when the thought of you hits me hard.
I know, missing you is a vice.

Like I've told you, I have some kind of addiction.

it seems like you're my vices,
so tell me, how can I quit you.

The vague
supple faint sight of
You

Fall below my knees,
the underneath
of my naked bind

You saw me drown
and you let me
you let me down

I saw You
slipping away
with-out a single remorse,

remained.

Always & Always,
SL