I wanna be asleep
But i don't wanna go to bed.

I wanna do something intesresting
But i just wanna stay home

I wanna socialize
But i don't wanna be social

I wanna listen to music
But i just want silence

I'm hungry
But not in the mood for food

I wanna get over this..
But most of all i don't want to do this anymore.

Dear thickness,
Dear bold flesh I call shelter of leg,
protection for this body I call home
Dear thighs.
You are more important than you think
more crucial than you've been told
more space than I know what to do with and
more vocal than most other girls' quiet but
your prominence is nothing to hide
your existence is not an apology ready to be given,
your presence does not want to be covered
the way you suffocate yourself into a pair of jeans is
a talent unlike any other
or on hot summer days when skin comes out to
kiss itself between your graces
leaving marks as evidence
what some would call chub rub,
I call magic,
an inability to resist touching,
Thighs.
You never let clothing,
or temperature,
or weather come between you
you are passionate lover,
the proud I always strive to be
the unapologetic beauty I wish was all of me
you maintain the confidence I have to dig for to find within myself
you have so much potential built into the many layers of thick
I cannot tell you enough how important it is
Some say you save lives and
I would have to agree
but still
I know that there have been times when I have neglected you
moments where I have been blind in acknowledging your worth
It is not an easy feat to love the parts of yourself we are taught from
such an early age to hate
magazines have always said be small while
you have always aimed for big
trends tell you to grow in when
all you've ever wanted is to grow out and
expand into a galaxy built of freckles and skin,
you are human as human as gets
I have made you into a warzone on more than
one occassion and for that I am sorry
I am sorry
for more than one reason
I am sorry that this world has twisted your greatness into embarrassment
I am sorry that people have tried to make an apology out of your density
I am sorry that we live in a society that keeps telling you to shrink
I am sorry for all of the times I have wanted you to.
It has taken me years to be thankful for your holy,
you are the answer to my every prayer for health
you are living proof of survival,
Thighs.

This is my proclamation of appreciation
This is my asking forgiveness
I never meant to make you feel anything but needed
Thighs.
you were not made to be thin
you were not meant to be shy
you were built to be the loudest voice in every room
head turning, eye catching, without remorse
you are never silent
even when I am
and for that,
I love you.

I live a deathless death,
You said you loved me then you left,
I saw it in your bottomless brown eyes,
All the love you'd ever felt for me had died,
Died like my heart, soul, and mind,
Without you,
I'm blind,
Oblivious to the rest of the world,
Ever since your love for me grew old,
I guess it is true what they say,
You'll always love the one that got away.

I am locked up inside myself.
Have nowhere to go.
For it is all in mind.
I cannot run from the demons in my head.
The demons who want me dead.

I am locked up inside myself.
A body that doesn't fit.
A place that I do not trust.
A place I can't run from.
Because you can't run from yourself.

I am locked up inside myself.
With my demons screaming.
They are all in my head.
Just another game my mind likes to play.
Another game driving me insane.

Slowly I start to fall.
Start to hate.
This body I am locked up in.
My mind always taunting me.
Losing the last bit of my sanity.

I am locked up inside myself.
I cannot run.
This is my fate.
This body and mind.
This self hate and this demons.

I tried to run more than once.
Looked for an escape.
Tried to get away from the constant pain.
But never I could change my body.
Or defeat my inner demons.

I am locked up inside myself.
My body is like a cage.
A prison.
My demons the other inmates.
But it is all in head.

It is just another game my mind likes to play.
Another trick to make me hate myself even more.
And I know it is all in my mind.
But I can not escape.
You can't run from yourself and your own demons.

I am locked uo inside myself.
And that makes me scared.
Living in a body that doesn't fit.
And demons driving me insane.
But than once again, it is all in my mind and it won't change.

now we're left missing
the you you were before you got hurt
more so, i'm sure,
than you miss your old self
but then again,
there's no such thing
as a new and old self
there's just you
you, that's not exactly yourself
could be, not anymore,
not at all
or not so much
you
there's just the you before
you had to deal with his *******
the you before
you looked at it
as if it was a necessity
to fake smiles
when really,
it's the ugliest existing thing
in this world
there's just the you who held too tight
with both hands onto him
or not at all
so you could cover your eyes instead
there's just the you
before he left you to crumble
and the you now.

is it a bad thing
to think about not existing?

you're all better off without me
i decided
but you quickly replied with
that's all just in your head

if that's true then why why why
do you leave me to dry
my own tears as you sit there
and act like you give a care

why why why do you
let me feel so blue
stop smiling at everyone else
and notice you're so dense

so so dense to my pain