as a child
i thought i was unstoppable

as a child
i told myself that i would always be proud

as a child
i said that no one could hurt me

as a child
i thought that i could tell anyone everything

as a child
i told myself that i would never care about the size of my body

as a child
i thought love was only powerful, not destructive

as a child
i said that i could never lie to myself

but as a human
i should have been prepared to know that i would let myself down

colors that seem to define us
filled with black holes of ignorance
the bullets racing to meet one another
only to shutter twice
and cackle as ours collide
mine flood out
tears of black ****** salt
fog covering up my vision
waiting for the storms to clear
and as soon as the sun returns the warmth to my face
your eyes have disappeared

but you're not.
the same **** words again
i don't know how i could take
it for so long
you said you'd be there by
my side
and yet you're not;
you said i could cry on your
jacket when i needed to
but you're not here
you're not here when i need
you
a child, abandoned in a cardboard
box-
look where you've put me
without knowing that
you're the the only thing that
can dry my tears and
make me feel comfortable
i thought you'd actually
be there
i guess i was just too dumb
to believe that you'd leave-
and too worn out to think
you'd come back.

black spaces
crawling across the palms
of my hands
i reach into the sink and try to scrub
them off
but tattoos can only be covered
by makeup
ink drips out off of my tongue
i cover my mouth
but it seeps through my fingers and
out onto your heart
burning away the veins and muscles
of your loved ones
poison in your vessels instead of
blood
i'm sorry,
i thought i was helping you
my ***** palms reach out to keep
you standing but you fell to
the ground
its like every time i try to hold you
up
you fall deeper into the salty
oceans of tears and waves of
sorrow
swallowing you up
my boat isn't strong enough
and it crushes you
every single time
i let my hand out and
open my mouth
the lies escape
along with the happiness
that never bloomed
maybe it's my fault
that you were desperate for help
in the first place.

the world only commits to one word
when no explination can show
the answer or
when not even bandaids
can clean up a mess
when the only things we have left may not hold off for long
the dust suffocating our throats and blinding our eyes
trying to reassure safety
to stop the fists from raising
and the children from crying for their parents
our minds being sliced away from
intelligence
from lies
with the knives of each other
maybe
maybe it is all just a dream that we won't wake up from
but maybe
this is reality
maybe they'll agree if i try
try
try
maybe
it wasn't meant to be
the word fills our mouths with the bitterness of what might happen if we say yes or no
maybe if we don't decide
it will all go away
maybe the answer isn't meant to be known
maybe they'll understand
maybe
maybe we'll understand that not answering isn't the answer to a problem
might
may
the only ones who use them are the ones who can't decide themselves
confused
wondering
waiting
for someone else
because
maybe they'll know how to fix this

maybe.

she stands still
with her eyes steadily
tracing the whisps of
air that circle in front of
her
her hands quivering
and yet her vision is so
solid
dense, cold memories
are leaning at the tip of
her tounge
but her lips won't budge.
she hears the words
letter by letter-
they just don't get why
she can't just 'socialize'-
why she's so independent
she's so quiet
she's so isolated-
but what i don't get is that
you dare to label her "shy"
and yet you don't even know
what she's hiding from

you don't understand-
i can't help that i'm skinny.
a stick that looks useless,
curves small to secure pity.
you don't understand-
its hard to maintain weight.
the food won't add on,
no matter how much i ate.
you don't understand-
i have so many flaws.
freckles galore, and
dark vains that resemble claws.
i'm trying to tell you, yet
you can't understand.
"you're so lucky you're skinny"
but,
"it ***** you can't tan"
surely you'd know by now,
i'm fragile but strong.
i can take all your pity,
but my "luck"- not for long.
i may be skinny and as short
as can be,
but tell me you understand,
before you say you want to be
me.

you don't have to buy expensive things
you don't have to be skinny
and you don't have to show it off
you don't have to be taken
you don't have to tell why you're single
you don't have to wipe your tears,
and you don't have to be like the ones who put them there
you don't have to love someone
you don't have to love yourself
you really don't have to
the only one who's making you,
is yourself.