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el Apr 2020
just trying to deal with some things
sitting here at 3am
hunched by the sink
lost in my thoughts
tossing, turning all night long
my head, my heart, it's all a mess
something's wrong...
my body is aching
my heart is drowning
my stomach is churning
head spinning
an emotional fever
spreading like wildfire
longhand, short
so indecisive
spelling abhorrent
i am a mess
i need the moon
but it has been cloudy
lately
not an ounce of moonlight
seeping through...
i miss the silver shine
i need a dose, soon
i can't breathe...
i should sleep.
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 25 Jan. 2019
i wrote this in my notebook while i was crying so just for reference, my spelling in the original was horrible, hence the sentence in the poem.
el Apr 2020
i can't
fuvking
breathe
because of you
you saved my life
and now you'll be the reason
i end it
el Apr 2020
it's been
nine days
since it all came crashing down
nine whole days
and then some more
nine days ago i lost a friend
i lost my appetite
i lost my motivation
i lost hope
i lost my will to live
i lost my happiness
i lost my love
i lost my dreams
and i lost myself.
(C) Elissar Mustapha
12 Apr. 2020
el Apr 2020
it's at 3am
i cry
i cry for help
i cry for love
i cry for lost hope
i cry for crushed dreams
at 3am
i cry in pain
i cry with jealousy
i cry silently
cry to be seen
at 3am i cry
i cry with my memories
i cry with my pen
i cry as the world around me
sleeps.
at 3am
i weep to the moon
i weep for the lost souls
the people i misplaced
i weep with the man on the moon
and when the clouds obscure
i weep on my own
3am, sleepless nights
with aches as deep as my bones
tears behind my face and
sobs behind my throat
at 3am
i run out of words to use
i miss my muse
i run out of things to say, that
describe my brain, i-
all i can say, is...
at 3am, i cry
(C) Elissar Mustapha, 08.01.2019
el Apr 2020
we're
more
suicidal
than
ever
now
el Apr 2020
they say
sad could be a drug
but that's a lie
it's happiness people try to find
to try and get high
trying to find bliss
amidst the grey
drinking in hits
stems twist and sway
the dark, cold morning of May
where i
that's when i didn't want to
stay alive
not anymore, no
there, began the end of my show
shoes slapping the ground.
head low
sky was clouded, so i couldn't look up
for fear i'd get a raindrop in my eye
for fear the crow would see me cry
for fear i would be exposed to a foe
so head down, breath held, i go

yeah,
life has a knack of
ripping away all you've got
tearing you apart
thread by thread
seam to seam
this is far more than a crushed dream
this is heartbreak
this is loss
this is the will to live, gone
the loss of a home
Copyright. Elissar Mustapha
15.12.2018
el Apr 2020
what is love?
is it small
or is it big?
is it red
or is it yellow?
is it daily life
or the dying stars
at night?
is it pure joy
is it a hallucination?
something our minds form
something that doesn't
exist?
is it something we
have to pay for?
something so ****
overrated
that when it comes along
everyone is disappointed
isn't it just
a heartbreak when
you least expect it?
is it actually pain?
love is overrated
love is underrated
depends on how
your life's been going
it gives you
life and death
take your pick
which is worse?
Copyright. Elissar Mustapha
12.11.2018
"is it just a heartbreak when you least expect it" is probably, til this day, my favourite line i have ever come up with.
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