I don't hate you.
After all that we went through,
I never hated you.
—I thought I could never hate you.

But then again,
I thought I knew you.

I thought you were that sweet, selfless guy,
the guy that cared about me more than anything,
who said he'd never hurt me.
Who told me he loved me.

But if you really cared about me more than anything,
and loved me as much as you claimed you did,
then you wouldn't have hurt me like you did now.

I wouldn't be sitting here
with tears streaming down my face,
writing these poems to get out the feelings
I otherwise bury inside.

I could never hate the boy I thought you were.
But you're not that boy at all,
at least, not anymore.

I'm so sick of people
pretending they want to
stay in my life
when they really don't.

So if you don't want to
treat me well,
then you can just leave
—because I'd much rather have
a few true friends
than a bunch of fake ones.

Driving down the freeway
underneath the dark night sky.

Thinking about it all.
Tears falling from my eye.

Starring out the window
at the reflection in the mirror.

Remembering the times
when it all seemed so much
clearer.

You have no clue what I went through.

Crying on the bathroom floor,
explaining to my mom
everything I had hidden from her
for the past few months.

Weeping for hours and deciding to compose
the hardest letter I ever had to write.

Sobbing because I thought I'd never
speak to him again.

But then crying tears of joy
when he finally came back.

A few days after, dying on the inside
because he left again,
but seeing his name pop up
on my screen after another month,
wondering what I should do
and deciding to reply and

finally

tears slowly falling from my eye
as I faced the fact that I had to say
goodbye.

If you were really my best friend,
you'd know that all I needed was
for you to be there for me.
I didn't need to know the truth.
I already knew I had ******* up.
I just needed you to assure me
that everything would be okay.

But instead, you were there for him,
acting like what I went through wasn't hard,
telling me how much I messed up,
assuring me that everything that happened was
my fault.

True friends don't do that.
Ex-friends do.

I broke your heart.

You came crawling back to me,
saying it was all your fault
(even though you thought it was mine),
just so you could speak to me again.

So, I let you back in my life.
But then you said you couldn't handle it,
couldn't handle thinking about
what had happened between us,
about how badly it hurt you,
because you still loved me
and knew I didn't love you back.

So you said goodbye,
that you might be back
sometime.

You had given me a second chance
when I broke your heart.
But I don't think
I'll ever be able to give you one
after you broke mine.

So when you did come back,
I had to say goodbye.

Sometimes, I'd think that I missed it.
All the late-night conversations,
good morning "I love you"s,
glances exchanged in the halls,
awkward smiles,
adorable nicknames,
that bracelet.

But I don't wear that bracelet anymore,
not since you starting doubting all we had.

When the good morning texts were just typed,
sitting there with the send button unpressed.
When we started avoiding each other in the halls
because we couldn't bear to see the other's face.
When those awkward smiles we'd exchange
turned into just plain awkward.
When the adorable nicknames went away.
When that bracelet just sat there,
on my dresser instead of my wrist.

Sometimes, I thought I missed the way we were.
But now I know, we're better off the way we are.