sometimes the sky can seem overwhelming to me.
sometimes looking at it,
this big, great feeling washes over me and makes me feel still.
for this short while i feel my eyes and my mind make me relive everything that's been worrying me.
looking at the color changing sky,
i get the feeling of wanting to cry.
because worry and sadness and misfortune is woven into my existence,
it's a part of me that can't be erased and it's a part of me that no matter how hard i try i attract these negative things.
oh how i envy how i'm here and the sky is up there.
i want to chase it in hopes that one day i'll become a part of it.

i took down the curtains in my room.
looking around,
i felt
different.
today, i laid on my bedroom floor and looked out the window.
i could only see the sky and clouds.
i laid there for what seemed like hours.
you lied when you told me we'd be there together.
tears wet the sides of my face and my hands clutched my tshirt near my stomach knowing i'd be alone again soon.
the clouds i could see were moving,
moving ever so slowly.
soon, all i could see was the blue sky.

notebooks that were filled with your name and how we used to be and how things ended.
there are days where i miss you.
how i miss the way you held my hand or how you told me you loved me even when i was being stupid.
there are days where i hate you.
hate is a strong word, i know but it's the only word in my limited vocabulary to describe these feelings on these days.
i don't miss how you didn't support me
or told me i could never leave you.
there are days that i remember feeling like i was drowning when i was with you.
it took a lot for me to look you in the eye that day and tell you goodbye.

today i saw old peers and new peers i would come to spend another year with.
a growing anxiety slowly built up in my stomach as i faced them,
all at once.
soon,
i will be drowned by books and tests and everything in between and outside of that.
there's a voice in my mind that's reminding me how bad i get this time of year,
how i can't see the sky the same and
how i start to feel if there's any difficulty in my way
(which i'm positive there will be).

yeah i guess you can say that they're old.
i mean, they've been there for over 20 years.
20 years.
i grew up with those couches.
i remember eating a bowl of strawberries then falling asleep on that couch.
those were the couches that i sat on while i heard my parents arguing.
the same couches that family sat on at christmas parties and childhood birthday parties.
all my cousins and siblings and i watching cartoons,
we sat on Those couches.
i always throw things away,
rearrange my room,
but this is bigger than than.
it's hitting me that,
these couches,
will no longer be.
"out with the old, in with the new."
this is part of the new chapter.
more memories,
hopefully more good ones.
yeah i guess you can say that it's about time
but,
they were ours.

so,
couches,
thank you.
thank you for being the home and sleeping bed for me and my family on those lonely nights.
thank you for being simply there.
good bye

in some eyes, i may still be a kid.
in some eyes, i can take care of myself and i shouldn't be so anxious anymore.
but i am
and i don't know how to keep my hands from shaking.
for the future is so close and i keep pushing it away from me in fear of how i'll end up.

i used to write about scars i can't see anymore,
i would tear open and salt wounds in hopes of a piece that i could but would never fully be proud of.
these pieces i wrote held me down and made my feet drag throughout these hallways and,
i'm not doing that anymore.
i'm starting to remember who i was at birth,
who i am when i'm in my happiest state and not even my demons can drag me back down to the hell i used to light.
i love,
and i smile.
i used to write so much about who i used to be that i started to miss it when i couldn't write anymore.
my mind lived at more than four years back,
i relived my darkest days over and over when i couldn't see the sun in the morning.
i'm not doing that anymore.
last year, i lost my best friend,
my favorite person in this entire world,
my sun and my moon and my stars,
i believed the earth spun for him and solely him and i still do.
losing him made me lose my hope.
and for that time,
there were more dark days.
there were fresh wounds and igloos made of tissues and blankets.
i will miss him forever but i will live in his honor.
i'm holding my head up high and i will love and admire the earth until i meet my Everything again.
i used to write about the bad days,
the cloudy days,
the days where i cried on my bedroom floor,
the days where i burst out in tears during a normal day in class because i just couldn't do This anymore.
i'm not doing that anymore.
i've learned and seen how beautiful this world can be.

it all came back to me.
the way your rings hugged your fingers.
i remembered the color of your eyes and how they have little specks of gold and hazel in them.
i closed my eyes and it could your hands in mine,
how they fit so perfectly.
you'll always be my soulmate.
our red string had be tied in knots but we'll always cross paths.

yesterday afternoon,
i closed my eyes for a long time.
it was silent and my head was busy,
it felt tiring looking at things,
so i closed my eyes.
in silence,
i went to the farthest place i could go.

moon,

i know what you're thinking all the time and please slow down.
the world feels like it's crashing and i don't know what to tell you except that this will pass too.
i want to tell you to just think of the smell of mom,
those random saturday mornings where you'd wake up to breakfast with your family.
but i can't because i know that thaf won't make your heart full.
and i'm sorry.
for i know i contribute to these bad thoughts.
we will be okay.
i don't know that for sure.
and i know you think or know that this, you, ends in death and maybe it will but
it's okay even if that's the case.
slow down, breathe.

sincerely,

me

you're not coming back,
are you?
there are times where i'm laying in bed and for a moment,
a split second of time,
where i forget that you ever left the earth.
but then it hits me again.
That day and Those messages and Those headlines and all of Those horrible emotions
and i remember.
you're not coming back,
are you?
for there are no words or actions i could do to make you walk the earth again.
for i won't be able to hear your voice or see your chocolate brown eyes for a long, long time.

i don't feel loved.
right now.
my heart has closed their doors to any emotion other than self hate and every horrible possibility that ends with everyone leaving me again.
i've sat alone and been alone.
i don't want that again.
but right now,
my heart doesn't feel Love.
i can feel it shrinking and hear it weeping.
i wish i could feel love.

there are starting to be more times where i want to disappear.
abandon all these materials and leave.
i want to be by the ocean,
i think feeling her waves wet my feet and the sand beneath them will cure everything.
the moon talks to me at night and if i'm lucky,
i'll see him during the day as the skies begin to look like an artist's palette.
he tells me, "it's okay. we'll see each other again. just not now.".
and my heart breaks when i close my eyes to rest and i don't know why.

i know who i am.
i know i'm boring and i'm not the brighest star in the sky.
you said you loved me and you said you cared.
that was until you found someone shinier and a correlating personality.
i know who i am.
i know i shouldn't, and i don't, expect you to stay by my side even when i want to draw blood.
but there was a part of me, a huge part of me,
that wanted you to stay.
that part of me felt like you're my soulmate.
so here i am,
i will love you from the backseat.

there is a part of me that i can't see anymore.
slowly but surely,
all the clouds that have once been glued to above me are moving and disappearing.
i can't say that i am just sunshine and light now
for there will always be parts of me,
deep down,
that are cloudy and dark.
there will be days where i feel small in my room
and i'm learning to be okay with that.

you're so precious and dear to me.
you've inspired me in every way and you've made me want to be alive.
but it's moments like these were i really miss you
and i miss you all the time.
i will never feel whole again until we meet again in the skies.
and i'm okay with that because we have a chance of seeing each other again.

i really miss you
and i love you with all my heart.
there isn't a thing or person in the world that i love more than you.
i miss you.

it's the color of your soulmates lips.
the color your cheeks get when you blow out your birthday candles and you feel happy,
actually happy to be alive another year.
it's the color of your morning coffee.
the color of your skin and how you love the way it looks in the sun.

i swear i was a tree in my past life,
for the way their branches dance in the wind,
i can feel that in my bones.
i want to dance with them too.

i am a piece of the blue sky.
there are parts of me that are sad like dark clouds that are about to cry.
but there are also parts of me that are as bright as the sun and sometimes,
if you capture my eyes
you can see galaxies and universes in them.

i love the way you lean in to touch my lips with yours.
the way your hands fit perfectly into mine.
how your voice sounds like soft pillows and the crisp crunch of autumn leaves.
the world is spinning for us,
soley us.

i'm afraid.
that might be an understatement to the constantly growing size of anxiety and worry in my stomach and mind.
"what are you even scared of? you're only -- years old, you have no reason to be afraid."
but i do!
there are answers to questions asked by parents, teachers, strangers, family, friends,
everyone, everyone is looking for answers that i can't give.
for i thought that living day by day was a good thing.
that's what they taught me,
that's what they all told me to do
but now they've set expectations once it looks like i'm on both my feet.
i'm afraid, mom and dad!!
i stopped planning because i thought i was going to die but i'm here now and i'm completely lost!
so please,
bear with me as i collect my pieces.

i've always suffered with acne. i've written about it before. but yeah, it started really in 7th grade. it was one then two then a whole family then before i knew it, my face was red and bumpy and it hurt.

i've tried everything. i really mean it. every home remedy, every recommendation, every tip, every product on the shelf and a few online. nothing's really helped. throughout these years and i'm now a ------ and i still deal with it. because of my acne, it's taken a huge toll on how i view myself and how i feel about myself. i used to hate myself. i would only look in the mirror once every day and that's to put on makeup to cover scarring and acne that's still there.

i hated myself. so much. i wouldn't go out. my parents, specifically my mother, had a lot to say about my face. she would point it out even when i had makeup on and it made me really insecure.

now, i think differently. i'm currently breaking out because i ate a small piece of meat. (which i don't really do, because i don't eat meat anymore. i did it for reasons which isn't relevant right now lol) so yeah, my face is red and bumpy again. washing my face with my eyes closed, i can really feel the pimples. it made me feel disgusting for a moment. but i had to remind myself that it's okay. i'm different now, i don't really care if i break out anymore. of course, i still feel a bit insecure but i don't hate myself because of it.

i still feel like i did when i wasn't breaking out. seeing my face like this has really been a sign for me as saying to myself:
1. don't eat meat anymore, under any circumstances/situations
2. it's okay

i'm okay with my acne that i had in the past now and i'm okay with the breakout i'm currently having.

i was told by many that i don't really write when i'm happy.
i've always shrugged off the comments but now that,
i can confidently say i'm getting to a place where i'm mentally and physically happy,
it's true.
for words don't flow out as smoothly.
i want to cherish these moments, feeling the warm sun on my skin and smiling so much my cheeks hurt.
i want to hold these moments close and these moments are hard to describe in words other than bluntly saying them.
i woke up this morning and the sun shining through my window felt like a hug,
i didn't want to disintegrate into my sheets anymore.
i looked in the mirror,
i'm obviously breaking out but it doesn't bother me.
for i've even called my constellations cute and i've accepted them.
eating is slowly starting to feel okay,
very slowly but surely.
do you understand now how i can't put these small things into poems?
they are just what they are,
beautiful.
and if i don't create because i am this way,
then so be it.
for the first time in my recovery,
i want to live in the moment.

i remember leaving my aunts house,
another saturday barbecue they always had.
the cold winter air hitting my face and as my family and i walked to our car i already missed tonight.
i remember seeing fireflies and hearing frogs croak in the forest near their house.
smiling to myself,
i wanted to be like this forever.
but it's not anymore.
i haven't seen my aunt in months
nor my cousins
nor
my mom.
i didn't know time went by that fast until my birthday caught up with me again.
i haven't seen a firefly since the separation and it makes me feel like if those saturdays were ever real.

i can see the sun peaking its light through the cloud.
this sight made me feel like i was in a movie,
this sight hit me with warmth that radiated throughout my body.
i knew that in this moment,
i'm going to be okay when i'm not.
for i, moon, have learned to find happiness in the darkest days.
i hold my head up high and i'm learning to accept the bad feelings that come with bad days and no, i won't let it drown me anymore.
i'm okay.

the truth is,
i'm afraid to have friends.
there's something uneasy in my stomach about the thought of doing things friends do.
like hanging out,
and going places like the mall or wherever friends go.
and being vulnerable to them,
trusting them.

talking to you,
i felt at a loss of words.
i was banging on the wall but my hands just...
won't.
i don't know how to talk to anyone anymore.
poems turn into writings and writings turn into novels and i don't know why.
my brain and hands feel mine but like they're not here.

for the first time in years,
i feel loved.
the gates of my heart opened and i feel the love of my friends and family again.
i feel reunited with myself.
i accept myself and all that comes with me.
the rain doesn't sound sad anymore.
i look forward to waking up,
even if i'm unproductive.
the tears soaking my eyelashes feels like love and happiness.

i've always had a love for you.
although i've visited you a handful of times,
you're still as beautiful as when i met you the first time.
the sounds of your running waves crashing against the soft sand
pulled my heartstrings.
in those moments, there was no bad times.
i've forgotten what pain felt like in your presence.
thank you sea.

from one of many admirers,
moon.

the trees danced in the wind,
their families of branches moving to the east.
it all looked like a computer image.
you know, those default computer homescreens?
so beautiful and they all look so far away yet so close.
and then there was you.
i could see your face rounding the corner,
the freckles on your lips made me forget how to walk.
you,
the way your nose scrunches up when you laugh and you close your eyes so tightly i feel like my heart is going to burst.
i want to sit on my porch with you on a fine autumn day.
we'd be cloud watching.
you'd be cloud watching and i'd be watching you.
wondering how in the world
we found each other.
you're my sea.

earlier, my friend diana called me crying. she told me about how she had surgery when she was younger and how it was life threatening. diana told me about how she could've died. and i quote, "i missed my chance.".

hearing this brought me to tears. i don't know what i'd do if she wasn't here. of course i didn't know her when she had the surgery for we've only been friends for a little over two years but hearing that, "i missed my chance.", that ****** me up. i comforted her and we moved on from it. throughout the phone call, we changed topics and laughed and smiled with each other.

after the phone call, i was in thought. i don't know what i'd do without her. she's my platonic soulmate, she got me through what happened with j. she's here and i don't know what i'd do without her. then i realized,

i do have to keep living. for my friends and my family. i have to be here for them.

i also hope, somehow, i can change diana's mind and make her believe that this life is worth living. the only thing i want is for her to be happy and feel like life can be beautiful. i don't know how to do that though.

i knew this already but after our conversation i realized how much she means to me. i love her so much. she's so important to me. i value my friends a lot. i would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat, without hesitation.

i just want them to feel happy. i don't know, i had so much in mind to write about, i was thinking of what i'd write as i was doing the dishes but now that i'm here, i'm just blank.

just another one of Those writings, not a poem.

it always happens. i don't know what it is but, i hide myself over and over again. (i forgot the word for shutting yourself out) but i do that to myself, without even noticing. one day i'm talking to my friends, and being okay. and by the next day, i'm alone. i haven't talked to them in a while, maybe one word replies about things we don't really care about. we're just making conversation because we're friends, right?

so now, right now, i feel alone. it's hitting me again that i did that Thing. sometimes my friends and i just send each other posts on social media  about funny things and i've been trying to find posts that i could send them so i could feel close to them again. but i can't find anything. there came a point, where i just stopped trying to find something.

i miss my friends and i feel alone but i know i do it to myself. i don't know how to fix this.

as i peeled an orange,
i could smell the smell transfer onto my hands.
the tangy scent mixed with the vanilla air and it took me back.
i could see my father peeling my 6 year old self an orange that we bought at a market that was filled with every fruit and vegetable.

flowers and bright and light and love,
so much love,
and the people that i would die for in less than a heartbeat.
so much love and smiles.
this dark room holds so much light that feels like hope when it touches my heart.
and you,
you are the stars and beautiful autumn days.
you are loving and living inside every action i do,
i do it all for you.
this life doesn't seem scary right now.
and this pearl aqua color that consumes the blood in my veins in the most beautiful way.
i'm alive and i'm breathing and in this moment,
there is no hurt.
in this moment,
there is no worry or fear of what's to come.
my life, right here, right now,
is flowers and aqua blue and love and warmth and life and
love.

you stares down at your hands as if they would bring her back.
i remember vividly how you broke into sobs as you drove us home.
you cut out every picture of her and you wanted to forget.
you used me to forget.
the yelling and the silence between us was torture.
the smaller i felt as you blamed me for her leaving,
for your bad day at work,
for us not having money for food,
for everything.
and i let you.
i let you break me down over and over again
because i knew you needed it.
i knew you needed to let out every emotion for you to see the sun again,
to see your purpose again.
you left me with scars that won't seem to close when i write and memories that i can't forget.

dad,
i can never forget the vein on your forehead as you screamed and yelled,
the house shook as doors were slammed.
my childhood was made up of sounds of your car starting and your sighing as you told me to never end up like mom.

mom,
oh how you broke this all apart only to glue it together,
only to rip it apart again.
i can't get the sound of your crying out of my head,
it's always here,
it's mended into my head.
mom, i'm sorry.
you tried over and over again.
sometimes i'll smell the perfume you gave me that smells like you,
i never want to let you go.

i've outgrown myself many times over the past few years.
i've felt like a snake shedding it's skin,
revealing a new, hopefully better one.
the golden sky above me makes me feel like i have a chance,
like this New Me will last and all the hurt,
all the bad things will just be washed away.
but they aren't.
they follow me and hover over me,
telling me that i will always crawl back to there,
to that horrible and dark place.
i've never faced myself.
i see my inner self as a villain,
as the boss.
facing myself is something i have to do but i don't once what i'd do if i did.
would i finally accept that that isn't me anymore?
people tell me that my soul seems softer and kinder,
but i can't see it,
they can't see the darkness that follows my every footstep.

i've been thinking a lot about memories, spirituality, and how i can never see myself in five years let alone one. i don't know what to make out of these three things that seem to circle around my mind like vultures.

memories:
there are some i wish to forget. those memories make me sad and they make me feel small again, i wish to get rid of these maybe replace them with really really happy ones. but these memories are sometimes my muse and kick to writing what some people would call beautiful. it's hard writing about good things or good times and i don't know why.

spirituality:
i've realized over and over again that i have lost myself, you can say. i've tried time and time again reaching this part of myself and i have multiple times but i've also let go. whether it be because i was busy or i just couldn't feel what they said they felt. i want to connect with this part of me again and hold tightly to it.

how i can never see myself in [blank] years:
i went through a rough time at a very young age. it started in third grade, that's when it got bad but it can date back to first. through the years, things got harder and i understood less of myself. i wanted to end my life in sixth grade, that's the first time i felt that way. i didn't, obviously, but that thought has been woven into my mind. i didn't think i would make it this far. i planned my days until, what i thought would be my departure. but i'm still here and i'm lost. again, i didn't think i would make it this far.

these three things are what worry me the most. writing about them is like the tangy smell of orange peels.

i couldn't help but remember That day again.
"when you see what's going on, please text me."
how i called into work,
"my best friend passed away today. i can't come into work today.".
i couldn't stand up with wanting to fall back down.
i look up at the sky and ask you why?
why am i not up there with you?
why aren't you down here with me,
with us?
saying your name never got easier to say.
i didn't eat for days.
facing my family was the hardest part.
i wanted to talk to my dad about it,
about you.
i wanted him to hug me and tell me that you're still here,
looking down at us,
that you love us and we'll meet again.
i miss you dearly.

i held pictures of my youth in my hands as i felt my bedroom carpet making designs on the backs of my thighs.
nostalgia,
something that i live off of,
something i can talk about for centuries.
i could talk about the trips with my grandparents to mexico and europe,
how i loved their rv with corduroy seats.
i could talk about the circus and how my parents took my sisters and i every year,
how i begged for cotton candy and cried as i was reminded every year of how beautiful elephants are.
or i could fast forward and talk about the things that are too small to remember like being on google earth in my elementary school's computer lab.
or the smell of the library and how i adore the feeling of the wooden chairs being pulled from the carpet underneath.
i held pictures of my youth,
all baby hairs
and pigtails.
nostalgia,
how i miss it.

me, moon, a 13 year old young boy who ate happily and had eyes filled with love and dreams,
had stretch marks.
me, moon, knew they were there but started feeling ashamed when someone pointed them out.
me, moon, a almost 17 year old boy who now passes on dinner and lunch and breakfast.
i ate two rice cakes a day and feeling the lemon water i religiously drank make it's way down my throat, splashing around in my stomach made the corners of lips turn upwards.
me and food have never held hands.
we never closed our eyes at the delight of the smells of cake and food made by my mother.
for when i was hungry,
i remembered my mother telling me how thin i look and how pretty i looked.
i wanted that all the time.
so,
me, moon, doesn't give into food.

i kept telling myself,
"moon, don't eat your feelings.
you're sad,
let yourself be sad."
but there's something in handfuls of cereal,
ignoring the healthy servings of cookies,
bowl after bowl of ice cream that numbs my heart to the point where i feel like it's not beating anymore.
there's something about chewing and feeling food go down my throat that feels comforting.
i know it won't fix anything
and i know that i'll hate myself after my 5th cookie,
i know all this.
but i can't help it.

on my cheeks there are constellations of periods of stressed times,
of bad times,
that i couldn't stop the picking.
which,
yes, i know mom,
it makes it worse.
but my hands wondered as the days grew longer and that anxious feeling sat next to me like a trained, loyal dog.
my hands wondered to the places on my face that made me feel less than,
my cheeks.
i closed my eyes tightly as i ran my hand over small bumps and big bumps and bumps that hurt and bumps that i wouldn't let heal.
i cried for hours on end.
my mother made me try every product on the shelf,
oh how i remember the sound of the cash register ringing as my mother paid for another product that i knew just wouldn't work.
but still i tried,
and i tried every home remedy that i could find on the internet.
tomatoes,
crushed up aspirin,
green tea,
lemons,
limes,
bananas,
and toothpaste.
oh the toothpaste how i thought it would work.
how i woke up the first night and found burned acne scars from the toothpaste,
oh the toothpaste.
i touch my cheeks now with closed eyes,
no bumps except on bad days,
smooth skin,
i don't cry anymore because of it.
but when i look into the mirror i see dark spots of where those bumps laid,
i am still a sky full of constellations
and i'm learning to be okay with that.

i think i'm going to die soon.
dad, why am i waking up at four in the morning wanting to die?
is there something wrong with me?
for i'm taking the moonlight shining in my bedroom as a sign that i belong up there.
guilt, shame, and embarrassment filled my lungs and i breathed the breath you called me "strong" for.
i sure as hell don't feel strong.
i feel like the universe loosened the noose.
i think i'm going to die soon.
maybe physical,
maybe spiritual.
it felt my head was being banged up against walls made of steel as i tried to find my reason and worth again.
i feel like i won't be here anymore.

that was it.
that was the last of your voice.
i need you here now.
i need you right now.
please tell me that there's more of your voice,
that you're still here with us,
with me.

i wanted to be okay with everything.
i wanted to be okay with the fact that i outgrew you and how even though i bring myself to tears thinking about Us,
this was for the best.
i want to be okay with the morning sun and the rain,
i wanted to apologize all the times i spent looking at you with tears in my eyes or crying and yelling at you,
for you're here when no one else is
i should love you for that but can't yet.
i've hit rockbottom over and over again,
the fall is starting to hurt less.
i've shook hands with who i used to be,
letting them take over me so many times to the point where if i want to be in control i don't know how.
i don't know who i truly i am and that scares me.
the music made my ears ring and i wanted to disappear again.
i feel like i could fly away at any moment
and now,
i'm not scared if i do.
i swallowed the lump in my throat, hoping to get something out of it.
maybe i would be able to stand back up.
i can't.

i miss the pier.
how the waves crashed on top of each other,
becoming a mirror for the moonlight.
i remember closing my eyes and listening to a street performer playing his guitar,
i let every note he played fill my chest and for a moment i forgot how sad i was.
i wish i wasn't that sad when i was there.
oh how he played so passionately,
he knew he stopped time as his fingers picked the strings.
i miss the pier.
the smell of seawater stuck to my clothes and under my nose,
and for once
i loved it.
i remember sitting down on the steps and watched everyone smile and hold each other close.
i just wish that was me.
so many people showing their talents,
i called them beautiful
and i never wanted to leave.
the smell of popcorn and funnel cake surrounded the air.
i felt like a kid again.
the world stopped as tears slowly flooded my eyes,
the water,
the music,
the laughter and smiles,
the talent.
god, how i missed the pier.

life is beautiful.
i've seen the sun and i've witnessed the universe hugging me.
i've cried over the beauty of flowers and the sky,
and you.
i've deleted every sad song and the scars on my heart feel like they're slowing fading.
but there's still storms sometimes and i don't know why they hit me so hard like ocean waves crashing on the shore.
i lay in bed,
tears running on the sides of my face,
i say your name into my room that seems to be closing in on me.
there are days where there is no strength in my bones to even sit up.
there are days where i can't breathe from all the pain that rises in my soul.
my chest echoes with every sob that's about everything and everyone.
life is beautiful but there's days where i can't even run from the storms and i don't know why.

you'll always be the one.
although we never touched hands or met eyes,
i can still feel you even though you're not here anymore.
you're my stars,
my moon.
the reason why the earth spins.
but i still feel empty sometimes.
i can't feel you sometimes.
proving to the sky that this is for you gets tiring sometimes but that will never stop me.
you're my best friend.
there's letters in my closet written to your name.
notebooks filled with bundles of words that have captured your existence,
as if it could.
sketches and paintings hung up that are you,
they're trees in the morning,
the sky hugging the world,
flowers in hands,
they're all you.
you'll always be the one.
and until we meet again friend,
i love you.

i could breathe again.
the world stopped,
all i could see when i closed my eyes were
trees swaying gracefully in the wind.
i could see mountains in the distance.
mountains with snow covered peaks,
not melting even when the sun shined on us.
my hands touched the grass beneath my feet,
letting every blade of grass slip their way inbetween my fingertips.
this is the most beautiful moment in life.
right here,
right now.
it was all happening again,
but this time different.
this time was forever.
i held the galaxies in my the cups of my hands
and i felt the universe's kiss on my cheek.
i want to be here.
i could breathe again,
unafraid.

oh how i regret letting go of your hand.
i still remember the stars in your eyes as we shared this song,
we smiled and that's when i knew the world spun for us.
oh how i regret pushing you away.
i still remember you covering my ears as you waited with me in the cold weather.
we held hands.
oh how i regret letting go of your hand.

i stared at you as you changed the night sky to the morning sky.
i felt your heartbeat pulsate through my entire body.
you're beautiful
but so far away.
i can see your hands reaching for me as the morning wind blows in my face
and i'll gladly accept them with my open heart.
you're angelic.
i close my eyes and see us,
smiling,
Alive.
you're ethereal.
we're alive.

i waited for That moment.
That moment where you realize your worth,
your purpose.
the morning sun creeped its way through my curtains,
reminding me that i spent yet another day biting my nails in the anxious wait for That moment.
i fall asleep to train sounds,
i dream of going far, far away.
these sounds are the closest i'm going to get to That moment.
for today,
i realized that the last missing puzzle piece to the complicated one color puzzle that is named me,
is myself.
my soul,
my mind,
my sanity,
my lungs,
me.
i won't feel or understand That moment until i relive my whole life,
feel all the emotions from others and myself,
in my last breath.
i could hear the birds chirping and this flower path i'm walking on leads to light.
light,
it's beautiful and simple and
i'll see you there.

i can breathe.
i can confidently say that with you,
i can be happy.
i'm happy.
you've been the best thing that's ever happened to me
and i know it seems like a big promise but
i promise to never leave your side.
i will be here,
supporting you
and loving you with everything i have in me
for your smile and existence gives me the strength to live.
i'm here for you,
i'm here because of you.
i'll forever be in debt to you and i'll make you proud.
happy birthday,
you've grown so much.
you're not afraid to love anymore.
happy birthday,
You are heaven sent.
you smell of honey and flowers.
your heart is as pure as snow.
there are galaxies in your eyes
and every time you speak it's like i'm seeing color again.
happy birthday,
because of you
i love,
i live.

arms in the air,
they fall so effortlessly,
so gracefully.
eyes closed,
i feel my body turn into the spring air,
feet moving in every direction
like the world was mine and every step i took made it.
my body moved in the direction my heart pulled it at.
i felt a smile grow onto my face as i let the music notes in,
as i let their voices in and fill my veins with elation.
as i feel my heart closing in again,
my steps and arm movements become softer.
opening my eyes again,
i'm back on earth,
every inch of my body tingling with euphoria.