i'm nothing.
why am i here?
will i ever be okay?
just breathe, levi.
why i am so useless?
nothing.
nothing.
nothing.

there was no other way to say it.
i'm merely just another blade of grass.
i was once told that i'm a background character in my own life,
since then i haven't really spoken the same,
since then i haven't really breathed the same.
i know it's the truth
and i know i do it to myself,
for my hobbies include trying to disappear and trying to mold myself into someone else.
there are times where i question if i was ever happy at all.
this growing sadness surrounds me and leaves me with dark circles and unwanted, racing thoughts.

i danced all night to songs that made my heart feel young again.
seeing the sun go up as i cried tears of pure happiness.
i like being alone like this sometimes,
i can see myself alive when i'm alone like this.
hearing their voices sing,
hearing the instruments made my knees feel like jelly.
i danced all night,
heart filled with euphoria.

worry pooled into my stomach,
making it's way into my brain,
spoon feeding thoughts that make me glued to the earth.
the only thing i could do was write.

i let myself feel sad because they told me that it's okay to just feel,
"let it out",
so i did that.
i held my head underwater to feel the pressure in my ears to match the pressure against my heart.
i sat in that red chair and looked at nothing,
listening to brand new,
feeling like every sad movie ending crumbled into one sad person.
a deep breath followed by a sad sigh.
everything is so sad,
sad
sad
sad.

i wanted to say what i wanted to say to you.
i'm sorry.
you're mean to me and my own sibling shouldn't bring me death on a silver platter.
i'm sorry.
do you understand the effect your words have on me?
i'm sorry.
you made my mind up when i asked myself if i wanted to breathe anymore.

i'm sorry.

god and i heard you slamming doors and hitting walls.
i was made paralyzed with fear and worry of what's next to come.
i am only -- and the only "future" i see is looking down at my family and friends from the sky,
sitting on a cloud,
shining at night,
making it rain from my sadness of not being there anymore and the sadness woven into my existence.
i, moon, am not supposed to be happy.
everyone has proven that to me.
everyone has beat me, "loved" me, pushed me to the edge.
but i understand now,
yes,
i know now that i am not supposed to be here.
-- years of my life and all i got was signs that this was a
mistake.

and as you spit venom at me,
i was looking for the nearest exit.
an exit that took me peacefully and painfully away.
an exit that sounded beautiful like the rain before That day.
an exit that i would never come back from.
hearing and feeling your footsteps fed my anxiety and all i could do was wait,
wait for you blowup against me.
you spit sweet venom that you knew would make me want to run,
you spit sweet venom that you knew would make me feel powerless,
helpless,
wrong,
unworthy.
but darling,
you'll never see me again after tonight.
no, no,
because I am backpacking the sky and meeting up with Him.
i will become a star in the sky but i won't shine for you.
you'll hear my voice and see my face in trees and on butterflies.
but walking here on this soil you burnt,
you will see me no more.

once telling someone me,
who i am,
it's always "how did you know?".
i didn't.
i knew who i was like you knew that pants where worn on legs or that love is both amazing yet disastrous,
i just knew who i was.

you begged for life.
fists clutched,
knees close to giving out
once again.
you closed your eyes and
begged for life.
you wanted to feel something other than this growing anxiety for the unknown
and fear of abandon even from yourself
as if parts of you were already wailing their hats on moving trains.
there had to be something right?
something in the books that you overlooked,
that you haven't tried,
or in other people's words
"haven't tried hard enough".
not wanting to feel is one thing
but begging the joy and the euphoria to fill your veins again is another.
you cranked up every song that used to make you feel alive,
you cleaned every inch of the house,
you rose your hands to the sky together and pleaded to be saved,
shoving every thought of
"this is just my bedroom ceiling."
out of your mind.
you ached to feel,
you begged for life.

cherry colored lips,
sun made freckles,
eyes that are and will always be the most beautiful eyes i've ever seen.
i didn't know life until i met you.
i didn't know love until you showed me.
i feel lucky enough to have found you and held you.
with you,
i can hear the calming sounds of the sea,
the rain sounds beautiful when i'm with you not sad,
i can see me alive two years from now.
you are my muse and i will never let you die as long as they read my words.
our love will be infinite,
we will be infinite.

my eyes ached watching the sun rise.
my coffee had gone cold in between thoughts that seemed to have a four hour lecture each.
i witnessed the sky paint once again,
it was like seeing those people in california streets make art.
making faces out of clay,
using watercolor to write your name and making a dolphin swim through the letters,
guitars hooked to amps playing the most perfect soundtrack of That night you'll never forget no matter how insignificant it was.
that's what the sky was doing.
the sun greeted me with a variety of colors,
all turning into each other and leaving then staying one.
slowly closing my eyes,
leaning on my arms,
only to repeat over and over again.

oh the things i would do to feel alive.
staying up for as long as many cups of coffee would let me.
talking to people on other sides of the world,
or on different sides of the street.
hugging you under the moonlight,
talking about god knows what and feeling like in That moment,
we were all that's ever happened,
that's ever existed.
sleeping pills,
so many bottles made me feel euphoric and numb.
music played so loud in my ears that
they rung after pulling out their lifeline.
oh the things i would do to survive.
glasses of lemon water for dinner.
no, dad i'm not hungry but maybe later.
i wouldn't sleep until i could feel the lemon water coming back up every time i rose from a sit up.
oh the things i would do to,
to die.
because that's what all of this was going to end to right?
one way or another?

all i can see is the sky.
it started out a bright pink dancing with the blue sky.
as my thighs started to cramp and beads of sweat started to race down my forehead,
the sky changed to the most beautiful orange that reminded me of the suit you wore that one time,
then dark blue.
the stars started taking their seats in our home,
shining and twinkling.
i felt every thought leaving through my fingertips.
my chest opened up to the wind and all the love the trees gave off,
i felt it all and held it as tight as i could.
all i could see streetlights as i rode home.

i didn't want to die anymore,
i just
wanted to be somewhere else,
someone else.
or at least fast forward a couple years.
me in college,
living in a small apartment with a friend or a lover.
it's raining in a couple years and i'll look up to the sky and smile.
i'll love and feel loved.
i wish time would go by faster.

i did what they told me to.
i sat down,
closed my eyes,
and breathed.
in,
out,
slowly,
repeat.
in this silence,
i felt the weight of That days,
all Those days,
on my chest and shoulders.
i played music,
like you said.
half opened eyes and tears rolling filled the acoustics in my bedroom.
i breathed,
as if it wasn't already hard enough.
i heard and felt my heart breaking over and over,
slower and slower with every breath.
it made me want to stop breathing at all.
if this is what you call "helping me",
i don't want it.
the silence rings in my ears.
i can see myself reading and rereading headlines and texts.
the denial i felt,
the emptiness i felt.
oceans of sadness and grief washed over me, i wanted this to be my end too.
i wanted to stay in bed for as long as i could,
i wanted to drown in my bedsheets and muffled sobs.
i did what they told me to,
to breathe.
i don't want to anymore.

i can hear your voice echo through the halls of my mind.
sleeping is the only way i see you now.
whether it be a bright light in the shape of you,
or orbs in the color of aqua pearl,
or my favorite,
you,
actually you.
some days feel like december 18th again.
i'm wishing for you every chance i can get,
at 11:11,
on every star,
on every moon,
on every birthday,
on my birthday.
my wish is for you to come back
or to take me with you.
you're still here, right?
these anxious hands are wrong, right?
you haven't left us, right?

my name is moon.
i can feel and smell colors.
i miss the love of my life,
my soulmate.
people listen to me like they listen to late night cable channels selling over expensive jewelry.
i love the stars and i love it when the sky is a milky blue.

my name is moon.
sadness fills my heart and soul,
woven into the stitching that people call "skin".

my name is moon,
luna,
달,
lua,
mahina.
and i write from my heart and soul.

i just wanted to feel here again.
i don't want to doubt that people love me.
i can't feel anything but this growing need to float away like a balloon in the sky.
i don't want to feel here,
i don't want to feel at all.

tears filled my eyes looking at nothing,
thinking of everything.
every cork that filled a hole in my heart slowly popped itself out and i literally felt the rush of sadness through my body,
filling my veins,
intoxicating my mind once again.
is this what i'm meant to be?
sometimes i feel like a punching bag for everyone and myself.
i will beat myself down slowly then all at once.
i am not a best friend,
i am an enemy to myself.
this is how it'll always be right?
i wanted to slice open my skin and feel numb again,
i wanted to take a handfull of sleeping pills to feel numb again.
i can hear my parents fighting again.
i can feel how i felt when my own friends told me they never loved me.
i can see my older sister fighting my mother over everything again.
it all came back to me in what felt like a split of a second.
i was 12 again and as sad as i ever was.
i was 12 again,
sitting on my bedroom floor,
wishing that i would gather the courage through my sobs to finally end it.

and i should have.
i'm not meant to be here.

strawberry milk and the smell of elementary lunchrooms is so innocent,
so happy.
i can still hear my friends voices and see us standing in line.
cold classrooms and science rooms that smelled like yeast and vinegar.
backpacks filled with notebooks and folders of work that seems way too easy now.
you wonder where it went from friendship bracelets and recess benches
to
divorced parents and homework that makes you stressed to the point where running your hairs through your hair in the shower only to see how much hair you're losing.
those sweet berried flavored milks seem so far away.
you can't even touch food anymore,
it's not a "safe" food.
where did you go wrong?

it all felt like it was making my brain turn into mush,
crushing it together,
pounding it,
liquifying it.
"what are you going to do with your life?
what will you be?
who
will
you
be?"

what am i supposed to do without you?
the rain doesn't sound the same,
all i can see and hear is That day we lost you.
"please text me when you see everything that happened.",
i can't unread that text from my best friend,
i couldn't stand nor eat.
i didn't think i could live anymore without you.
what am i supposed to do now that i won't see you anymore?
sometimes i doubt that i ever felt your presence,

i feel alone.

this was the endless cycle and the reason i am alone.

i remember you calling me beautiful,
i couldn't look at you.
you liked me,
actually liked me.
that's what scared me the most.
you wanted to hold me and i wanted to kiss you and hold your hand.
my stomach turned into a butterfly garden as the thought of you loving me kept me up at night.
i couldn't do it anymore.

it was almost a year.
longest relationship i had without feeling uneasy about holding hands.
it was one day in art,
painting a landscape for you.
it felt wrong.
it felt all wrong.
i couldn't do it anymore.

the fear caught up with me constantly.
i closed my eyes and forced myself to believe  that the love given to me was built on guilt and lies.

i looked at you
in every light,
in every angle,
in every mistake,
in every perfection.
i had to convince myself that we aren't for each other.

what i be remembered for?
loving?
every time you'll hear my name,
what will you think of?
the secrets i kept?
the nights of years spent crying over wanting to be someone else?
or will you forget all of that and remember my eyes?
how we danced under the streetlight at one in the morning?
how we held each other?
maybe i don't want to be remembered.

our foreheads touched.
i could hear your heartbeat and i was nervous and afraid that you'd hear mine yelling how it beats faster when you're near.
soon,
i could feel the tip of your nose on mine.
your heat being transferred through
one
simple
touch.
we couldn't look at each other in fear for worlds crashing,
making thousands and millions of stars.
instead your hand slowly slipped into mine,
my heart blooming with every possible flower of every color and shape.
our cupid's bows planted on top of each other ever so slightly.
i wanted to back away,
i wanted to do this again,
over and over.
i wanted to give myself to you over and over again.
we touched and we loved.
i fell into your touch and fell even more deeply in love with you.

rereading what i used to call my reality and end seems so far away from where the clouds.
even though i will always end up at That place,
i'm here now.
endless meadows and sun that doesn't burn you if you're wearing black.

i shouldn't love the way your hands trace mine so much,
i shouldn't love the way you lean yourself into me so much,
for love is a beautiful, great, big disaster.
i'll take the chance even if you grow old of me or i grow old of you
or we grow out of each other like pants or shoes do.
this,
my thumb rubbing our intertwined hands.
this,
your eyes that stare way too long for me to get red when you call me sweet words.
this,
your blush clustered cheeks.
this,
how we hold each other.
this,
how i promise you i will never grow old of you.
this
is a love catastrophe.
it's grand, it's big, it's beautiful.
i want to live for you.
i want to take you to art museums
and picnics
and cheesy movie dates.
i drowned myself in your utter perfection and drank forbidden wine as i thought of how we'd end up.
our love isn't a disaster,
it isn't a tragedy,
it's a celebration.
the way we love and feel is art and it smells like cake and feels like warm laundry.

what do you mean that the universe is still growing?
what do you mean that we're just a small speck on this great universe where,
in the end,
don't know if we're real or not?
you feel real,
i feel real,
our love feels real,
but is it?
nights and classes wasted reading story upon story of those who kissed death.
what do you mean you don't think anything happens in the afterlife?
when i leave, will you look at butterflies and think of me?
for i too want to be remembered.
will you remember me?

i couldn't stop thinking about you.
i'd give you my pencil over and over,
knowing i'd have to ask one from someone else.
i ripped out pages from my notebooks,
i hate doing that for anyone else.
at the store i'd call you,
asking if you like these cookies or this drink only to "surprise" you with it the next day.
i'd gather up the courage for a date.
spending hours looking at myself in the mirror,
"this outfit is wrong!
why is my hair looking like this?
will she look me in the eyes?
will my heart be able to take it?"
i'd run to the ends of the world for you.
say the word
and i'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to.

i love how ridiculous we are.
i love how when our eyes meet, it's not a staring contest but to see who'll pull away first.
the blush that grows on your cheeks is in clusters.
you let me hold your hand.
i love how ridiculous we are.
wine glasses filled with apple juice,
strawberries,
little sandwiches that i'll be too nervous to eat but i would for you.
i would eat for you.
i love how ridiculous we are.

it wasn't enough.
perfect attendance since kindergarten,
straight a's,
president of the student council,
studying to be a doctor or nurse or whatever the ******* wanted me to be.
dad, i'm trying.
dad, am i doing it all wrong?
i hid away my depression and anxiety for it made you uncomfortable.
and i know you don't believe in the black growing sadness that's inside of me and i hid away for so long,
just for you.
i cried and beat my way to where i am now.
for what?
dad, all i wanted was an "i'm proud of you.",
or a pat on the back.

did i do this all wrong?

what am i supposed to do?
what do you want me to do when all i can do is rearrange my room and paint your skies blue
not only to come home with stained hands,
reminding me that i can't make myself as happy as i make you.
what am i supposed to do then?
i've been fighting my demons and eating lunch with them,
i've been doing everything i'm supposed to do
but no matter how friendly they are,

i'll only have peace when i'm gone.
they'll leave when i'm gone.
they won't haunt the hallway leading to my room,
they won't sing songs that sound like nails on a chalkboard to keep me up at night anymore.
what do you want me to do when it's obvious that i'm not wanted here?

i feel like how my father felt every time he came from running away from his mistakes and his garbage,
unwanted,
uneasy,
out of place,
wrong.

so what am i supposed to do?
will arranging flowers and setting up the dining table erase these thoughts?
will painting the house and writing structured words make them think that i am stronger than them?

what do you want me to do?

i could see the yellow tint of the monday morning peep through ruffles of clouds.
turning the other way,
in a distance the sky turned into a 8 foot deep pool.

i played the keys in the sky in hopes you would hear me.
i laid out notecards of things that would make you proud of me,
all in order,
all for you.
your voice will always sound like the sun,
whether it be on the hottest day in texas
or it be on a beautiful autumn day.
i know that since your presence in my dreams is gone now too,
you're finally up there.
all light and peace and happiness,
living without fear or anxiety
or sadness.
just visit now and then okay?
do you promise to change streetlights that aqua pearl color again?
do you promise to make yourself near enough to feel your energy as a hug when we need it?
i read in books that it's really nice up there.
let my little brother hold your hand,
let my grandmother make you food.
please be happy up there.

you were everything right,
everything perfect.
i couldn't muster up greater words than,
'i love you'.
you are the sun after the rain,
the breezes in autumn that make me feel like i'm supposed to be here,
the white trees at the edge of spring.
no flower could compare to you.
your overflowing passion,
and compassion
made me feel alive.
jaw dropped and heart open,
i knew you are the one,
you were always the one.
i don't know how i've managed to live without you all this time.  
my last puzzle piece,
the person who tied everything together.

i tried to breathe without by my side.
although we weren't conjoined at the hip and you didn't know what my favorite color was,
we were a part of each other.
i can still see your eyes turning into half moons,
and i still remember the way you laughed and your mannerisms.
you're in everything i do,
in everything i say.
i try to breathe without you but it hurts too much and i've come to the conclusion that i can't breathe without you.

looking at you,
i felt so distant.
i will never feel as close to anyone as close as i felt to her,
and i'm okay with that because what we had was something that i've never seen,
not even in the movies.
it's starting to feel like you were never here.
the one that kept everything together.
i'm addicted to the sadness.
it seems like all i can write about is you,
i'm starting to forget the color of your eyes,
how warm your hands were,
the sound of your voice.
going back to you now would make me seem like a fool and my pride seems to not back down so until then,
until i give in,
i miss you.
i'm sorry i'm not as interesting or energetic as i was two years ago or on my good days that i have sometimes.
things just don't feel right but without you both
i have no one.
i will be no one.
no matter how many times you'll tell me i matter or that you love me,
i can't see it,
i can't feel it.

the amount of sleeping pills i would take every night only to force myself to stay awake to feel numb

i watched you die over and over again.
i saw you disappear in your bed sheets instead of going to school.
i felt the broken pieces of your heart poke my chest when i hugged you in attempt to repair it.
the more puffy your eyes were,
the worse day it was.
i wrote you poems and letters filled with love and heartache.
i told you we were going to travel and i would get tattoos all dedicated to you.
in these moments,
and always,
i would break my back for you.
bu there's not enough hugs,
not enough letters or poems one could write to help your flowers flourish again.
it's been the longest winter,
and at the same time,
we never wanted it to end.
you wanted to hold on
and i had no choice but for it to consume me too.
there weren't enough hugs or letters,
there weren't enough friend visits and smiles to make things how they were before.
for i too quickly tape down pieces of my soul to keep me grounded,
to keep me from floating away
because

you

need

me.

you need me to be here,
to be strong for the both of us.
there were times where i couldn't be there.
those were the times where  i would stare at the ceiling,
sit on my flood,
cry for hours.
write notes for my loved ones.
"i'm sorry."
but i can see spring.
i can see the warmth.
i can smell the smell of morning dew.
i can hear the rain that heals us all,
most importantly i can see our flowers growing in our veins again.

it was just that kind of day.
the kind of day where no matter what i did, it wasn't good enough.
the kind of day where i couldn't speak in fear of bursting out crying or laughing or both.

i set it all out in front of me.
books, papers, bracelets, drawings, notes, notebooks filled with diary entries,
i laid it all out in front of me.
looking at these things i felt myself getting smaller.
want to feel like nothing again?
close your eyes and you'll hear what they all said about you, like it's happening right now.

when i'm happy i sometimes forget how the scars on my ankles, thighs, and wrists got there.
three years,
then one,
then four months,
then none.
now i won't keep track but if i think hard enough it's been almost three years again.

then it turned into That kind of day,
everywhere i looked i could hear my parents fighting and even the floor looked like your eyes.
i listened to the songs that got me through it and i listened to the songs that made me feel okay with being small.

the confusion in your eyes when i told you
"it just takes over me out of no where. i can't control it.",
the way your eyebrows furrowed,
the way your head tilted to the left ever so slightly,
you force out a forced chuckle.
you're uncomfortable with my mental health.
if i remember correctly,
You told Me that i could come to you,
i guess you didn't think twice.
but i understand.

at a young age, we learn to feel compassion and to give hugs when someone is crying.
at a young age, our parents teach us to pat our friends on the backs when their head is low.
and i know you're repeating words that you think will help,
it's all wired in our brains,
i know.
"it's okay.
you'll be okay.
time heals all the pain.
everything will be
okay."
and i know you're saying it because what are you supposed to say to your depressed friend who claims that sadness owns him.

i forced a tight lipped smile, gave a couple "thank you"s and
i saw your face soften.

i physically felt my heart beat faster when our eyes met.
your smile made my face feel like the sun and i had a feeling you could hear my heart confessing their love to you for the hundredth time.
writing feels different,
my fingers tingle,
and my mind can't make up words that describe what you do to me.
i know for you it's all for fun
but i can't ignore the way our hands slowly make their way to each other.

i looked over at you,
your eyes were closed and you mouthed the words to every song that played over the earbuds we were sharing.
i was in awe.
you let me hold your hands and i smiled as you got more into the music and started dancing as we sat down.

it was all falling into place.
the sun after the rain rose suspicion inside me but i'm actually trying to "be in the moment" like i was taught and told.
ignoring my mind convincing me of the lightest gray sky,
i smiled at the grass beneath me.
feeling how every blade glided between my fingertips,
how cold it was against my hand.
how i couldn't help but pay attention to my stomach twisting and turning in every direction,
the attention made it grin.

but it was falling into place, right?

tell me if this is really how it's supposed to be.
there's withering flowers hanging from my ceiling that remind me of you.
i've forgotten my voice without you.
it doesn't have to be this way right?
the rain up the road follows me home and taunts me with thunder that makes me feel alone.
i see your face in my ceiling fan and when i'm trying to sleep at 4am,
i can hear your voice echo in my hallways.
tell me if this is really how it's supposed to be.

they all tell me the same things.
it's all starting to sound like the talk my mother gave me when i told her i wanted to **** myself.
"you'll be okay.
thing will be okay.
think of your friends.
think of us."
why do you want me to live?
so you won't feel guilty about losing me?
these feelings and thoughts are crushing me,
they're weighing me down and you want me to
stay?

as you told me your worries and i stood there,
looking like a fool,
looking like someone who hasn't been through anything,
i couldn't speak.
one word responses was all i got and in this moment i wish i had read every self help ever made so i could help you.
i wanted it all to come to me,
the things you were looking for whether it be compliments,
advice,
help,

the cure.

worrying about worries that aren't mind shut everything in my body off and i'm sorry.
i wish all you dealt with was put on my shoulders,
it would break me and wear me down to the bone but i can take it if it meant you never felt this way again.

i hurt myself over and over reading and rereading and creating words that made me think of you.
you,
the one who stayed by my side.
you,
the one who held my hand.
you,
the one who i'm ready,
finally ready,
to let go of.
you were my muse.
i wore you down in my mind until there were no other words to describe what happened between us.
the pain was replaced with inner pain but it was better than reliving us and ending my poems with "i love you".